(Edited for sanity’s sake)
Checking in, day 49.
Faith has been in short supply for both yesterday and today. I feel like giving up on everything, not just my sobriety, seems so appealing. It feels like nothing I do matters. All of my enduring, my struggling, my being victorious. What does it even matter?
It would be nice if the day could just end already.
Checking in day 96, usually am all sunshine and light on here but the thread on surgery had me dragging up old resentments at how addicts are treated in the Healthcare system… sigh…
I haven’t been through that step in NA about dealing with resentments I just know they are not a good thing and can lead to relapse. So what I will do is express them here and ask God to bring peace to my heart again.
Got my healthcare meeting tonight with 30 or so local recovering doctors and other nurses our discussion topic is ‘Spirituality.’
Wish everyone a clean and sober 24 hrs!
Checking in this afternoon
Feeling okay… or as my old treatment counselor would tell me "okay is not a feeling haha)… so right now I’m feeling abit resentful, abit sad, unappreciated, and abit lonely.
Overall my morning went really well. I felt great. Then the days events happened and it threw me for a loop. Had some slight urges but nothing extreme. They are sort of still there but I’ll manage I feel. Need some time for me to just unwind. A nice bath I think would help. Going to schedule that in for myself tonight. I kind of feel like a game of tug of war… being pulled in all directions. It may not be so hard to do if I wasn’t trying to get clean and heal. But now that I have the responsibilities that I have PLUS doing all this inner work, I’m beat. I’m realizing that I have a trigger event this Friday. Not only is it my hubbys payday but we owe the old dealer money for our last mess up when we fronted. So we need to just pay that back and let it go and not get anything at the same time. Going to plan carefully. Anyone have any suggestions on how to maneuver this?
Checking in 212 days no alcohol and 15 days no cannabis. 
Congratulations! Wonderful achievement!
“Not only is it my hubbys payday but we owe the old dealer money for our last mess up when we fronted. So we need to just pay that back and let it go and not get anything at the same time.”
Honestly I owed dealers money when I got sober… nothing outstanding and I never paid them back. Your clean now. You don’t owe the guy who is poisoning your and helping you to slowly commit suicide shit even if he did front you. I wouldn’t pay him back. Delete his number. Never go to his house again. Don’t give him an explanation or anything. It’s done and over with. Close that door 
otherwise if you keep it open you will most likely fall right back into using. As for the paycheck I would have him put it all in the bank. But yeah you don’t owe your dealer shit now that your clean.
I also owe dealers money. If I run across them and they demand their money I’ll give it to them as it’s a debt I incurred. That being said I certainly don’t seek them out. And given that I’m not running the streets anymore it’s very unlikely I’ll ever see any.
Nice one Allen 
congratulations really pleased for you well done.
Day 99! The week is off to a good start. I was feeling some anxiety today, but I think it’s just because I was bouncing around in my head thinking about all the stuff I have to do this week. I got a lot done today and am on track for the rest of the week so far. Making lists of my tasks helps it feel more manageable…but of course I did not do that today. First thing tomorrow!!
I read the long version, but was commuting so didn’t have time to reply.
It matters because u matter. Sobriety is worthwhile for itself. But it is not a magic wand. It just gives us the time and energy to face our issues. And that effort is also worthwhile for itself.
Tonight I hit 500 days!! Excited!
. Congratulations! That’s Awesome !!
Thank you!!
Checking in this evening
Had a LONG conversation with my family about the money we owe. Made a new plan to somehow pay back 30000 by next summer. Hopefully with the help of the bank and 1000/mth payments. Our credit scores are fair and maybe that will help. But I know they need improving. This will be the biggest amends I make honestly. Definitely a motivator to continue on with sobriety. To think how much we’ve spent on crack cocaine makes me sick. I don’t even wanna think about it. This is just what we borrowed nevermind ALL the damn money we wasted. I’m so disappointed in myself right now 
like BEYOND upset and mad and disappointed. I own full responsibility for my side and I want to pay this off.
Brilliant!
You matter PB. You matter a lot.
On those days early on where everything seem to suck. And everything did suck! I just had one job. Hit that pillow sober. When I did that. I won. Nothing else mattered. I knew I had one job. Some days that’s all I could manage. Hang in there friend. It’s a bumpy ride. We’re here for you. Keep checking in and letting it out.
Congratulations on your 500 days of freedom Cliff. Good for you
Congrats on 500 days Jenna, so glad your back.
