Checking in
Day13
Got some grocery shopping done. Crazy busy at Superstore and I found it overwhelming, catching myself getting supper bitchy. Got home and I was starving. So I ate. Definitly having urges to use. Not exactly sure what is triggering it. Maybe stress or being overwhelmed. The weather seems to be triggering my thots too. It’s strange how even weather can do that. Going to sit in the shower with thr warm water and see if that helps me 
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Hi how are you ?
I hope your little one is feeling better 
Congratulations on 70 days.
Sorry you feel no one checked in on you 
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Not exactly a sobriety check-in, but something I learned today that I thought was cool… my Uncle, years ago, did a lot of genealogy research into our family history - long before the internet or ancestry.com. With his notes/documents and some work my daughter has been doing on ancestry.com, we have traced our family back to my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather - Nikolaus Crossman (our modern/Americanized last name is Crissman). He lived from 1590-1680 in Pfungstadt, Germany. @anon74766472 Franzie, any relation?
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Sorry your struggling Dana Play the tape forward and stay away from the DOC’s
. Can you get out for a brisk walk to clear your mind and emotions. I got my 10 000 plus in eary today. Do you have a step counter?
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Thanks Owen I did get outside today but it wasn’t very peaceful lol I might head out again. I just had a quick warm shower n got onto some comfy clothes. Making tea now. I’m going to distract myself with folding laundry and dishes lol play some nature music and of course pray and connect with my HP. Thanks for commenting. I don’t have a step counter actually. I really wanna get a fit bit tho
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Wow… So beautiful…
Those eyes!!
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Sounds like you’re in recovery mode now, congrats. Stay peaceful.
I’ve got my one coffee of the day going as well 
Interestingly our smart phones can be a step tracker. This app is working well for me 
Hope your w/e is smooth sailing from here on in.
Over and out from Vancouver 
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Interesting day,
So a friend of mine volunteers at a homeless shelter, he used to work at, and was looking for help to do a meal and serve, so I said sure
4 of us put our money together, and went and fed about 50 people including families at a local shelter, about 2 hours of our time, and to see how grateful they were was simply amazing kinda humbled me.
Things we take for granite everyday, warm beds, hot meals. Hot showers. We should be more appreciative of our haves and not our have nots
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Ending day 11 super 
tired
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That’s such a lovely warm hearted thing to do, I bet you feel amazing knowing that you were there when families and people were struggling.
Thank you for being so kind and going above and beyond .
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130 Days
Today I helped my cousin paint more of her flat, we have been doing it all week.
We were getting ready to finish up for the day my cousin told me she has fancied a glass of wine for a few days would i like to go and sit in the pub up the road with her, she asked me if i would be ok and comfortable with that ( when i was sober for 8 yrs i sat in many pubs with my dear cousin and was absolutely fine and it was just normal for me to not drink and be able to sit there and still enjoy the evening out, so bearing in mind she maybe thought giving up was easy or maybe i made it look easy before lol)
So i said yes thats fine, then a voice in my head said
" will you really be ok to go along for a while, but what will you gain from putting yourself in that environment so early on?"
( my devil alcoholic voice had started working with me not against me )
So i thought about it and i thought well my reason for going was to keep my cousin company, and it wasnt an idea of mine and i thought its best i go home after the decorating because how can i gaurantee il be ok ?
After all the lockdowns, all the daily life situations that im learning to try to cope with… what if … i thought hard and decided i didnt even need to be thinking about all of this stuff, im fragile mentally and emotionally and physically because of the situation with my daughter and i cant be in an environment where music will be played as it al triggers my panick attacks i knew it was too early to change my program or environment, and i chose to stick to what has been working.
Not sure any of this makes sense but i feel good writing it.
There was no pressure from my cousin so it was ok for me to say yes or no.
I just thought id share this.
What made me aware its a wrong decision is i had visions and images of what if i did … and that there was enough to tell me that im not ready to be in that environment, especially for someone else.
Have a lovely weekend everyone 
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I’m proud of you. It takes courage to do what’s best for ourselves. 
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Hi, how are you feeling now ?
Hope your day had got better for you
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Thank you
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Checking in
Day13
Addict voice isn’t AS strong right now. Earlier I ate, did a mediation, and then got cozy under my soft fuzzy blanket and had a nap. Eating again now. Honestly, I am not concerned about how much I eat right now. I was trying hard to be healthier overall BUT I need to take care of the bigger demon 1st. I’m fully aware that I’m switching addictions right now from drugs to food, but pick ur battles right?! Earlier I stopped myself twice from sending a text message to my hubby about having using thots. Am I wanting to send them to get support? Or am I wanting to send them to get “permission” to use (as in him saying okay, let’s do it). I didn’t send those messages bcuz I know all too well that I won’t get the support from him. He isn’t an addict… so he doesn’t see how hard it is for me to stay clean. For him he can literally take it or leave it. Sooo I do what I need to do for me. I think I’m okay now. Just counting down the time until bed so that I can end this day and hopefully not hear that little voice tmrw.
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I’m glad you were smart enough and had the self awareness to realize that your still not ready to put yourself in that type of situation yet. That’s the kind of thing that’s gonna keep you sober. Nice job.
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Day 983 AF
Sheesh I’m away less than 48 hours and I’m 100s of checkins behind, trying to catch up on reading 
It’s been a great weekend, went to Chinatown with the kids last night and had a great time celebrating Chinese Lunar New Year 
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Day 290 of no self harm. (10 months is coming up!!)
I’m okay today. I’m stressed about my family but I’m not with them today so it’s not as bad.
I’ll explain a bit. My family is entirely toxic and abusive except for my grandfather. He’s my world. He’s been sick since Christmas, turned out he had sepsis. He recovered after 2 weeks in hospital but now he has dangerously low blood pressure and an abscess on his liver and his gallbladder. The doctors are terrible and don’t tell us anything. My grandpa had a drain put in to his gallbladder to help drain the abscess. He will have that for 5 weeks and then he will get his gallbladder removed. He’s 82. Surgery is scary and dangerous for him.
Anyway, in the meantime someone has to be with him all the time to help him empty his drain and to supervise him in general. My family doesn’t want to do it, but they said that I’m (and I quote) “incompetent”. I’m gonna be 20 but everyone acts like I’m 5.
I’ve offered to move in temporarily, but I’m not sure I want to honestly. My uncle is my rapist and lives across the street. It would be miserable and I would never sleep.
Sorry for the long post. There’s just a lot going on. I’m ok today, but there’s just a lot of stress in general. I’ve always had to be the adult in my family though. I’m used to this. Pretty much raised my little sister because my parents were abusive and I wanted to guard her.
Sorry lol didn’t expect this post to go into so much depth. Everything in my family is just connected so it felt relevant. I hope y’all are doing well.
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@Butterflymoonwoman, I read here everyday and I just wanted to say that I am super proud of you and how you are fighting this battle. You are honest, open, courageous, strong, a fighter and have a fire within you that is burning so bright. I honestly cheer for you each day and I pray that you keep pushing through.
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