Checking in daily to maintain focus #38

[LuckbeSophie]

I’ve been drinking more water and just eating a bit better… so my brain fog is going away a bit more… I got outside and went for a 2 hour walk. My ex stopped texting, it’s so tough just not answering him but now I feel like I can start doing some sobriety things and learn. A little at a time. I don’t know which direction to go… I feel lost but there is some hope now 18 days in this. The longest I went sober for is like maybe 30 days before in the last 11 years. I just can’t keep doing that life anymore… I don’t even want to I haven’t for the past 3 years.

So step 1 is to understand that I am powerless to my addictions?

I am that … I am powerless to drinking and other stuff.

[anon52066378]

52 Days Sober

Gym
Healthy meals
Happy wife
Happy kids
Happy me

[Its_me_Stella]

@Girlinterrupted

Congrats Donuts welcome to the 600 club great catch!!!

[BostonGirl]

Checking in day 18, this is the longest I’ve gotten in a while!

[Misokatsu]

Fabulous job!

[Jennajen]

Day 571. Feeling a tiny bit better now, especially since my roomies are home. Loneliness, or just being alone is really bad for me. I mean I don’t have to feel lonely, just the fact of being alone and having to deal with adult stuff on my own stresses me out.

[Twizzlers]

I did keep a baseball bat with me last night!
The cameras are all set up now they were very simple, just see how long they last.
Iv decided to save for the retractable inside security gates for windows and front door as they seen safer if ever a fire.

I have 3 cats and small dog they are all so cuddly it’s really nice.

It’s great you go to the gym, I ordered some trainers and leggings that come tomorrow to start longer walks and to get more fit ontop of swimming. I have been looking at the keto diet and intermittent fasting. I was doing the 20/4 fast I’m on my 4th day but today I had to break it at 18hrs i felt so dizzy and headaches and didnt want to go down hill emotionally so I ate.

I also brought those scales today that tell you your BMI, heart rate visceral fat etc… I got on them and thought well il defo be making use of the new trainers walking more

I’m glad you had good day too it’s nice to hear others doing well and feeling well makes me feel more connected instead of lonely as I spend so much time on my own these days.

Thanks for checking in on me.

Congrats on 52 days too.

[Twizzlers]

Congratulations you should be proud of yourself its lovely to hear you are going strong.

[anon53116147]

Day 96 things are ok but in a little stressed. My ex needs my help every day, like I don’t mind but I can’t even schedule tattoos on these days like before. The girls come at 8 in the morning, Addie comes back at 11 and then autumn off the bus at 3 then her till 5. I’m seriously so tired to go try and get someone in after that. I have designs ready for ppl. I love having my girls at the same time but I need some money coming in for us. Today I can’t even draw a stick figure im just out of it maybe this is my time to move on. Idk but then I’m stuck with all this 3,000 dollars in equipment. I try to pray on it, something in me says to keep going it will be ok. But idk much love just another dumb post

[Misokatsu]

@anon53116147

another dumb post

No posts are dumb. I hope the ex isn’t taking advantage of you and u get some time to get back to tattooing.

[Dolse71]

bloody hell you soon got back to where you are, well done mate

[Dolse71]

[Butterflymoonwoman]

Never a dumb post this is what’s happening in ur life right now and in my opinion, our daily lives are definitly entwined into our recoveries etc. It’s frustrating for sure… some days things don’t go our way and we dint even have time for ourselves or our passions. I’m sorry to hear that ur having trouble finding time to do what u love u have such a passion for it and are very good at it. I hope that things level out so that u can st least a few tattoos done

[paper_boats]

Checking in, day 120.

Caught a bug last week and have been bed ridden for what feels like an eternity. Today, I finally felt okay enough to move about without feeling like a zombie.
The time in bed has left me with too much time in my head. Left to wonder all of the what ifs and whys.
I miss my old life. This new life is surreal to me.
I talk alot less, i express alot less. My face hasn’t hurt from smiling in so long.
I can’t help but wonder if this is just going to be it from now on?
Being the best person I’ve ever been seems like it would be alot more fun with my best friend/partner in my life.
No matter what I do. I always miss you.
Some therapists say “maybe its better off this way.”
But I beg to differ.
No matter how much I grow, it’s hard not tying her to everything. 120 days sober means 130 days without her. I never wanted to exist in a world where that would be a reality, yet here I am.
Therapy says this is the death of a loved one, a grieving of overwhelming proportions.

I am sober.
I am alive.
I am okay.
But I’m not okay.

One of the last things she wished upon me was lonliness. Said I needed to be alone.
I don’t understand this.
Especially when she always cried how she never wanted me to leave her alone.
She knew what lonliness was and didnt want it.
Why would she wish it upon me?

I may not be the happiest today, but its 120 days since my failed attempted suicide.
I am going to celebrate my life, my sobriety.
Even if I do feel a bit dead inside.
I am grateful for being alive.
I am thankful for another day on this planet.

These past 5 years, I was so happy just knowing I’d found my one and had finally gotten mines.
But, that doesnt seem to be the way it is.
So, when the fuck do I get mines?
I don’t want anyone else.
I’d rather be alone.
I miss all of it, but with anyone else it wouldn’t feel the same and even the thought feels like a gut churning betrayal.
I would rather be alone.
You were supposed to be mines.
I thought I had mines.
Sometimes, I want to hate you and curse you in my head.
But I can’t even do that, I love you too much.
So, alone I shall remain.
Picking up the pieces til I’m no longer broken.
And then I can just exist and exist and exist.

Even with total clarity and being entirely awoken, there just seems like there are some things that I’ll never understand.

You were initially the cherry on top.
And then I grew to love you and become you.
You, entwined with my heart and with my soul.
And now you’re gone, with an abrupt pause.
I’m fractured and putting together a whole which is no longer whole.
A prison in thee, a cage that I would never flee
A sigh to me, which will no longer be.
A cry to me, newly broken and free.
The prison in freedom, this last woe that is me.

Being sick and forced to be stuck in my head fucking sucked.
I can’t wait to run again and breathe and just feel alive.

I hope everyone is doing much better than I have been.

[Dazercat]

Great job BG!!

[Twizzlers]

I’m sorry to hear your going through so much pain. Things will slowly get easier and work itself out.
I think what your doing by taking care of yourself staying sober now will help the kind of life you will be living when you jump this hurdle, which will be a comfortable , happy and stable life.
Just have some patience and things will work out for the better just keep taking care of yourself as that will help you so much in the long run.

[Butterflymoonwoman]

Evening check in
Day20
My day was good overall. Still dealing with some stress but I’m managing it better today I think. I’m sort of coming to terms with how my relationship is I guess. I knew we had communication issues and using would obviously make things worse… more arguing and whatnot. Since we had been clean things have been up n down. Initially things were awkward cuz I wasn’t agreeing to use. Then things got better for awhile. Then the past few days things have been pretty shitty. I can’t tell if I’m being over sensitive and reading too much into it, or if there is an issue. Idk. I don’t often feel very loved. I can’t remember the last time he complimented me (my outer appearance or compliment something he liked about me). Rarely shows affection other than slapping my butt. We don’t have any meaningful conversations. He won’t talk about anything recovery lately. For example last night I told him that it was aost at 20 days clean time for us. He just said okay, I don’t think about it. I told him I do and I was proud of it. He didn’t say a thing. Doesn’t show appreciation rarely for anything I do. If I tell him I had a hard day, he will just say “I’ll trade ya”. I told him today that it wasn’t a competition and that we can both have hard days. He will literally see me upset and hurting and do nothing but stare at the TV. Hope things get better
I just spoke to him and we have both had shitty weeks. We both do not have a way to distress. We both don’t have friends to chill with. We take it out on each other and it’s not right.

[Its_me_Stella]

It is hard when we are in a relationship and we do this and that for them. We validate their feelings, support their choices, are their biggest cheerleaders and don’t get the same in return.

I have written BOOKS about this in my step work. About the expectations I put on partners to give me the same amount of love, affection, attention, validation, support as I give them. I used to assume I would get what I gave and when I didn’t I would get very hurt. Assuming anything is a mistake! But two of the biggest mistakes I made were trying to change a person I was in a relationship with to fit into who I wanted them to be or staying with someone who wasn’t feeding my soul. Resentments always began to build on both sides.

I’m sorry you aren’t feeling supported at home. I hope the amount of support you feel here balances that. You are slaying this.

[Butterflymoonwoman]

I actually really appreciate ur comment. Let’s be honest here… I don’t recall ever having a healthy relationship. Practically the majority of my life has been using drugs so ya me n my exs were all not well lol This relationship is the healthiest I’ve been in and I know that relationships aren’t perfect. He has his hardships. He was in prison for quite some time and had trauma growing up and lots of loss. I know he may not have the greatest communication or coping skills either. So I do understand but I also don’t think it’s an excuse to treat people poorly ya know? I ABSOLUTLY have expectations. U hit the nail on the head. I give n give and I feel like I get rarely anything in return. I crave his affection and want to feel loved and supported. But I don’t. And I do get resentful I think to myself… acceptance is key. Well why do I need to accept this? I can understand why he’s like that, but should I accept it and live like it doesn’t bother me? struggling with this acceptance piece a bit.
I absolutely without a doubt feel that love and acceptance and support from u all! Honestly it does keep me going! I have truly developed friendships here, where I soooo wish we were all closer together

[Its_me_Stella]

Being the amazing addict I am, one can see a very obvious cycles in my relationship behavior. Give, give, give, give, give, get nothing back, shut down and sabotage the relationship. My resentments can fester into ugliness pretty quickly. I am very grateful to have found the courage to leave my husband 3 years ago, I am not sure I would be here if I hadn’t.

@Butterflymoonwoman

soooo wish we were all closer together

Me too.