Hard night tonight.
Went to my cousin’s 40th.
The music was great, the energy, all my family there, people enjoying themselves but I sit there just chatting and not really getting into the atmosphere.
I was sat thinking I don’t live anymore. Just WFH and do stuff for the kids taking them to rugby and martial arts etc then movies or something. I love that time with my boys but feel I just live for them and tonight it didn’t feel like enough.
Rosie tinted glasses thinking about getting out.
Driving in the car home I was playing the Morrissey song there is a light and it never goes out.
“Take me out tonight
Where there’s music and theres people
And the young are alive”
5 months since my last slip and before that was nearly 3 years. This is the first time I’ve had major cravings.
I was thinking about a time in my 40s that I’ll have a spell on the booze again and how I’d manage it. I’m 37 now 
I mustve restarted my day like 5 times if not more. I can’t wait until my husband’s benefits get sorted out. It’s been a shit show dealing with them. I need something to help balance my mood abit. I have been on meds since the age of 16, it would be very odd to think i didn’t need something now, especiallt since im clean and sober again. I have been using all my skills that I know to manage my mental health on my own without medication. And it does get exhausting. So it will be nice to get that in place. I did some cleaning once I got home. Now waiting for hubby to come home with our Italian food! I downloaded a Step 10 Inventory app. I haven’t tried it but I will tonight. I wanted to start doing it every night to review my day. I was told many years ago that Step 10 is something I can do in early recovery. In fact it helps to keep me in check and be aware of my resentments etc so that they do not build up and create alot of distress in my life… which ultimately could cause urges to use. Feeling exhausted today. Just wanna relax and eat good food and enjoy the company of my husband 
Anyway it was good to do! I enjoyed it. Coming up to Day 5 in 3 hours. Self care tonight. And work this weekend 
Hope you’re all having uphill days worth living my friends - every second is a lucky gift we’ll never quite appreciate enough… just close your eyes for one second wherever you are and breathe fully in and out just once… Yous and myself just realizing we’re alive right this moment… How’s that for a chance to even know what it feels like to be? When we’re gone, so too will every last one of our in the big picture unnecessary fears and attachments be… That’s a fact. Try not to worry and just to slow down at least a little buddy, whatever negativity might be overshadowing your mind right now doesn’t exist in the way you perceive it, so is nothing to hate or fear once you realize that! What are mere thoughts? That breath you just took though, that’s the real you in need of looking after… And you know and are capable of so much more than you could possibly understand deep down… Some of us might need to be stronger and braver than we’ve ever f#cking dared before…! And that includes myself. But we CAN all do this, that’s literally scientifically proven if we care and try enough! It’s called habitual neuroplasticity…! 
So keep your head up bro or sis, just keep your goal in sight and keep searching and trying whatever it takes to find yourself and your way! All the best…