Awe thank u 
I used to be the one in our relationship that would want to use every last dollar we had pretty much on crack. And heād be giving me ultimatums that if I didnāt change, things would change for us etc. Itās completely different now, bcuz I am the one saying no and putting my foot down. He went off by himself to have a smoke out on the balcony. And I know how hard it is (obviously) to want to use but ur heart says āno dontā. So i went outside to him and rubbed his hair and gave him a shoulder massage and hugged him. Didnt need to say anything else. I just suggested food and ordered it now, cuz im thinking of HALT for both of us (even tho he doesnt know what that is). I know he is hungry and tired. I try to help him with his cravings without him knowing it (when he does have them and itās obvious he is frustrated). But wether we have weak moments of thought (like me or my hubby or like u today driving past the dispensery), itās amazing that we just work thru it and not fall for the lies. They are only thots. We donāt have to act on them thatās the nice thingā¦ we have a choice today. Way to go for driving by!! Ur stronger than u think!
I can empathize. My days have been about 20hrs long. 18 or 19 on a good one I enjoy early rising but sure do wish I could sleep longer than 4 or 5 hrs. Nothing much of substance in this post for you lol. But just know youāre not alone. And also know lack of sleep really colors the way you view the day. Hereās hoping everyone gets good rest tonight.
ETA: 92 days check in 
Thank you so much. I definitely see what your saying. And appreciate it very much
Itās been a really up and down day emotionally.
I canāt believe tomorrowās only day three (again) ā¦ It really throws everything off having to reset. I remember feeling so good and so much less anxious after being sober for almost a month. I remember not believing how quickly the days were adding up but now it seems like theyāre going so slowlyā¦ I remember after 5 days it got easier, and after 1 week it got easier. I sure wish I didnāt relapse, but I will make sure to read back on my experience next time I feel like a drink. Itās NOT worth it. Anyway, Iām snuggled up with my fur babies now and Iām ok. Just ok. A little sad, a little tired, a little anxious, but also thankful to be here.
I know Iāll feel better in the morning. Thereās nothing I need to do now except breathe. Just breathe.
@Mno @AllyP @michaeljlogan74 @Dazercat
Thank you so much for responding. Ive spent pretty much the whole day in bed eating carbs and watching videos, putting bojack horseman on in the background. Rewatching that this year in hindsight helped me feel the need to get sober because i have been on the ābojack path.ā
Yes i am expecting this whole next year to be worse than i can imagine right now. I have hurt myself and many others worse than i thought and have not been accountable, instead cowardly. Im not over people who hurt me either, the whole abusive childhood. Just, a lot.
No such thing as a functional addict. Ive been running around numb to everything, mean, making life worse. But weed especially, and wine and beer, are so socially acceptable to do every day. All the things i did wrong id be honest about my responsibility for, but not weeds role in it, it was me and my personal and behavior problems but weed is fine. Bullshit.
Do the next right thing. What is it? Force myself physically to do something that isnt wallowing. I didnt drink and wallowed instead, fine. Now to Break the neural pathway that keeps me laying around and practice discipline.
Day 31 of no self harm.
Nothing significant has happened today. Just feeling bad for whatever reason. I just want to break down and cry and get all of these things out of my system but I never learned how to get that weight off my chest without harming myself. Tomorrow will be different
That looks great! Nice work!
Take it easy. It happens. Iāve been through it, I am sure a lot of us have. You can pick it up again.
I was dying this time around. I know the feeling. But you can still do it!
I felt like throwing in the towel these last few days, but I am still here. I gotta do this for my fam, my kiddos.
Find the strength. You got this.
Thats amazing Mike!!! Holy shit!!! 
Pretty dope bro.
Looks good 
Checking in
Day46
Extremely overly blessed and grateful for going to bed clean and sober tonight. Tonight was just tough. Hope u all are managing okay too hugs
Good night, hugs back
Right on man. I love that break down. Of excited/anxious. Hope everything keeps going ok the right direction for you!
Youāre doing great. Itās not easy. Every day is a struggle, life in general. You stay safe and take care.
Definitely seeing progress in your work, are you stenciling or freehanding it? (Tattoos)
Watercolor looks great. Definitely has a lot of pop to it, stands out, you might wanna heavy up your hand a little bit for solid coloring and make it stand out
My night time part time job started with a bang,
Some drunk dude decided to force his way into one of the buildings I monitor, so Iām giving direction to the on site employee as well as gathering security footage, you can see it was staggering his way around, and pretty pissed off,
His reward, 1st prize a pair of matching bracelets. I keep saying Iām gonna leave this job, I kept it mainly cause it pays my child support, and I get a few extra bucks. But seeing the drunks, and those who sold their souls and all their earthly possessions for their addictions it reminds me to keep on the path Iām on even if every day isnāt a home run, itās still another day at bat
Thanks man I appreciate that for real. Tonight I did free hand this onto his skin with marker which was my first time 
well second Iāve done one on myself. He told me he wanted like a old school kind of feel to it and I was unsure so this is what I had kind of came up with and let some breaks in the red on purpose to try and give it more flow and cracks so to speak. But I did say the same thing after I looked at my pics I liked it but thought it didnāt look saturated properly. I might have him come back and fill in those areas with a lighter red, I used a pretty dark red and did lighten up my hand in areas so I definitely see what your saying with heavy handing it a little. And also this is where he wanted the tattoo placed I did just the Adirondack park outline which is what this is a while ago and tried topursuade him go go higher on his shoulder. He said itās where he wanted it. Always love your advice seriously thank you so much. And sorry about the drunk tonight and having to deal with all that, night time is definitely when the strangers come outā¦
Thank you @Butterflymoonwoman , @GOKU2019 , @Misokatsu I appreciate you guys
You were right 
We are off on holiday today, lots to do, so it would have been a really bad day to wake up with a hangover (not to mention the negativity around resetting - or not as it is a holiday, could have easily spiralledā¦)
Thanks for your kind words.
Day 193 checking in