Good afternoon!
Well, I’m laying on the couch as my toe nail is black n’ blue from walking like a crazy person this week. I must have walked 20 miles this week! Whoa- my shoes are in good shape? I don’t know what happened? It really hurts
I’m trying to get my daughter to go with me to the Annual Art Festival today downtown. Something to do you know… My wife is on a girls weekend, so I’m just hanging out trying to think about what I’m going to make for dinner tonight. Hmmm…It must be vegetarian, so maybe black bean tacos?
Grateful for maintaining my sobriety.
On the turntable…
“Soul, Politics and Spirituality in Jazz 1967-1975”
Various Artists
BGP Records
2019
Day 708 clean and sober today. Super bad using dream woke me up at 3am and shook me pretty bad. Still shaking it off over some coffee as we speak. Have an amazing day everyone, I love you guys!!!
Absolutely @Cjp!!! And even though you know it’s not real, sometimes the yucky stays with you for a bit. Yucky… (that’s what I call really uncomfortable feelings)
Hard day. Depression. Having some important conversations and changes. Grief.
Fast watercolor sketches. More about repetitive motion than the final art.
Need to send messages ive put off, and eat. Still in bed.
Going to let myself do 1 more painting and then Move.
Checking in- lol here we go. 54 days today- taking the kids to see Dr Strange and waking up now. Getting caffeinated and lacing up to go for a run, pray and call my sponsor along the way. I have to fucking reach out with the way I feel- my head says run but my hand says call and my feet say run so fuk it- proactive solutions it is lol. Let’s Roll
Hi all, just a quick note to say hello from Italy.
All is quiet over here, though today was just another workday, same as every other day this week / month / year. More of the same tomorrow.
It’s pretty darn warm here, I’m glad to have A/C in my bedroom, I can turn it on for a couple of hours before going to bed.
I can live with being warm during the daytime… this is Italy, getting close to summer, it’s SUPPOSED to be warm !
Anyway, I hope that you are all having a good weekend.
Day 51
Thanks everyone for the love and support yesterday when I reached 50 days! It feels great to have some bigger numbers stacking up now and makes things seem a little more real and solid.
I’m finally coming back around out of that momentary pause of reflection and stuff and happy to happy to be doing things the way I should be in the routine again! Thanks again everyone and here’s to today!
Very kind of you to say. I sometimes wonder whether I write anything useful, lol! But it’s for me primarily so I suppose if I find it useful that’s what counts. It is really nice to know that you appreciate it
It’s has been a while ago that I was in touch with you all on the forum and with the days becoming weeks, and then months etcetera the step to get back here and post became bigger and bigger.
A lot happened and still is happening atm but i really do need to keep in touch again with TS amongst others that are helping me out with how to pick up life after five years of operations and pain… But the 7th of april i (hopefully) had the last big operation. The result is really good, cosmetically but most important also physically.
No more pain when or after eating, the scar tissue looks really great compared to what it was and now I have to gain weight again, live healthy and in the best scenario I could be starting to look for a new job in about 3 months from now.
My long compasity is down about 30% due to the scar tissue that was cutted out and my skin had to be really stretched out to get it back together. So now I’m having a bit more difficulties getting enough oxygen and it feels like there’s an elastic band around my lungs.
I’m now on the third antibiotics cure since I left the hospital due to an abscess in my tummy but that will be ok in a short while.
I really was hiding for each and everyone in my life and personal environment since covid started and ended up to really knowing what loneliness means. At a certain point I got suïcidale thoughts and relapsed in old behaviour with the prescription drugs just to make sure I was numb in anyway possible. Fortunately it had the ‘guts’ left to discuss that issue with the doctors and they sender me home with a tight schedule for getting better and in the end being able to dump all meds. For now I still have to take some valium but I already am down to 20mg daily comming from 80+mg a day.
I have so much to tell or just speak out but for now I guess this is quite enough for my first serious check in since I went dark.
I’m going to take some time reading other posts and get back on track on the forum.
I was so afraid being judged or maybe that I let people down by my Houdini act that I drifted further and further away from myself and the people around me … Talking sober was also included in that part and now I just feel stupid that I didn’t reach out earlier because from all things the ts forum really is a place where I feel safe to discuss things.
Checking in a bit late. Have had a pretty full day already, but I suppose most importantly I woke up with a bright and shiny attitude and it is lasting today, for which I’m really grateful. My husband and I spent the evening having a meal together, listening to music and just talking together. We have been stuck in the bad habit of having meals parked in front of the tv for a while now, and I’m glad we have broken out of that pattern. We plan to keep that up. We don’t have a lot of time to just talk so we want to prioritize our time together for communication and engagement more. Not that we can’t ever watch stuff but it can’t be the preferred activity every evening anymore. I know it’s mostly my fault because I watch more tv than he ever has but he agrees he’s complicit, at least.
We had some laughs, recalled memories, we talked about some deep stuff. I mentioned that I feel like I’m learning to manage disappointment much better and how it is part of work I’ve done to break out of a fear-based way of living. Which has been a pattern for me for…well, forever, I guess. We talked about expectations and how they can keep us from doing things sometimes. I talked about how expectations have been part of my excuse for not getting on my piano and just starting again. We talked about how you just have to START and DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING! I do, he does, and not let the fear of disappointment, failure or expectations prevent action. So deep, right?
Good talks. Good reconnection. A big love. Today is clean out the garage day and I’m reveling in a fresh haircut for the warmer weather. It’s a great day, amigos. Let’s keep it sober.
I’m here under a pile of big ass books and the oddly choose quotations for a 5,000 word essay .
Again I took the time out and went for a walk at a local park… Luna of course loved it and brought a seat protector for the back of the car has her fluff just gets everywhere.
Sobriety wise I’ve decided to start using an affirmation tree again… I created one a work for the groups and it helps just to see the good and growth that happens without you even noticing.
Thought I would settle and watch stranger things and it’s a No, already scared the shite out of me!
Day 661
Quick afternoon check in — was going to stay outside and avoid the internet most of the day but the field is being mowed, is kicking up so many mosquitoes, and is making it possible to be in the garden right now.
Saturday mornings I almost always end up discussing alcoholism over coffee with my father. It doesn’t help that he likes boozey creamers in his weekend coffee. Today’s conversation was how he dislikes that I call myself an alcoholic — but he never saw the worst of it, so it’s hard now admitting to him all the things I did that I worked so hard to hide in active addiction. But the more I talk about it, the more it is concreted as a reality, and the stronger my resolve to not drink.
Hope are not in too much pain? Get well soon!
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