Just about to make Day 23, happy to watch the numbers go back up. Had quite bad cravings today. We were gifted a bottle of prosecco so need to re-gift that pretty quick as that isn’t helping.
A bit fed up with all the fatigue at the moment, hoping a lot of it is still Covid lingering. Hard to know when you have pre-existing health stuff. People keep telling me how tired they are after covid and it is really starting to get me down as that has been my life for almost a decade. I try and make all the right noises but inside am wishing I had the chance to moan about it for a few weeks before recovering. My Son said to me earlier “wouldn’t it be great if this covid cancelled out the last flu and you recovered your energy”. I hate feeling like I have missed so much of their childhood due to fatigue.
Anyway, pity party over I haven’t self-medicated for the fatigue for almost 3 months, and am not going to take that way out anymore. That much I do know as it could only be a temporary fix that makes it worse long term.
You’re on my heart every day, Mike. I’m so sorry you’re struggling, and even if it feels like it’ll never end, this will pass. Sending hugs and strength to you.
Day 91, was watching a show on netflix yesterday night ‘Pálpito’. I’ve never realised there was so much alcohol in series. But this was over the top. Got really triggered by the amount of alcohol in there. Today I kept thinking more and more about alcohol and it feels like I’ve lost someone dear to me or something. I feel such sadness and miss alcohol so much.
I just want to go out doing things I’ve never done before like clubbing or just going to another houseparty, or just something with a date and right now I can’t picture doing such things without alcohol, ever. I should keep faith because I know it’s possible, but I don’t really believe it just yet. Triggers are everywhere and I just feel intense frustration today. Apart from that, I’m glad I did some things out of my comfort zone and got some shit done. Yesterday will be even more challenges but just for today. Good night everyone!
@michaeljlogan74 ive been thinking of you also. Hoping your feeling a bit better, and some of your time off work is helping you find some time for healing and something that makes you feel good Chucked a vinyl yesterday while cooking I’ll share with you! Not nearly as cool, I need some funk and disco in my collection for sure!!
I know how hard it is to pick yourself up after a depressive episode. It feels impossible to do the small things, to get outside to enjoy the sunshine, especially when going outside to move and feel the sun will ultimately make you feel better. It’s hard to make those steps. Be kind to yourself, take baby steps. Little walks, the meds will take time to adjust, you’ll feel a little better as the days go on And a million times better doing it sober. Here if you ever want to talk, I’ve been down that road of meds and little ones and trying to juggle it all, you aren’t alone x
Focussing on May. Day 2: Achieved for April more dry days than previous months and I found patterns so working on solutions and for those patterns.
Anxiety is slightly high but I know it’s from drinking on Saturday, so it will improve.
Off to work
Checking in Day 76
Just finished work. I’m mentally exhausted. Worked with a very high needs client where you truly do need to be on your toes and constant redirection. It was extremely hot wearing the bite jacket, mask, hat, and gloves. She needed alot of support today, to the point where i barely ate or drank anything. So im extremely dehydrated right now, starving, and have a headache. This combination of things sort of started those thoughts of using and am very tired. My other client upstairs in her suite wanted to see me bcuz she was upset (it was her bday and all the stimulation from her family effected her negatively). The supervisor allowed me to go upstairs to try and calm her. We chatted for abit, celebrated her bday but then I had to go back downstairs to the client I was actually scheduled with. She appeared to be doing well until about 1 hour later, when she broke thru the Guardian lock and literally banged, pushed, and slammed the metal door so hard that it broke open and she awoled. Her staff had to follow her. I hope she manages to have a good night. Overall I am proud of my work performance. Since being clean I have been able to give more of myself to my job. I am more involved and do a much better job. I am proud of myself. But idk if I can continue to do this line of work for much longer. I will start looking at what else is out there for me. I have experience with criminal justice, community support, mental health, and addictions and I do want to help people in some way. But not sure how just yet.
Yesterday was so bad. I didn’t even feel safe enough to be alone after my grandpa’s. Luckily my friend stayed on the phone with me for a good while and I was eventually able to sleep.
I still feel really bad and I just went to self destruct, but I know I can’t. I have therapy and a job interview tomorrow, and I’m probably gonna to the library afterwards to work on school.
I feel so ungrateful. I kind of thought getting to date the girl I’ve wanted to for so long would distract me from a lot of things, but unfortunately it hasn’t. It’s nice to know that she’s there, but when I get self destructive I isolate. I’m going to try not to do that.
Yesterday was really my last straw with my family. I’m not sure what that means honestly. I don’t have the option of not seeing them because then I’d never see my grandpa again. But I can’t take them anymore. I think I’m just going to have to learn to numb myself to everything they do. But more numbness is the last thing I need. I just feel so hopeless and lost. I can’t wait to move out. I know it’s a long time from now, but I just need to be on my own and to have people near me who care. I keep having impulsive thoughts about suicide and it’s really scaring me. But when my family is constantly reminding me how worthless I am to them (whether it’s said directly or not) it’s really hard to keep pushing since I already have no self worth. Unfortunately other’s people’s opinions of me are all I can take into account at the moment.
Something positive: I have people who care and I have loved ones. They’re just far away. But I will be with them eventually
@Butterflymoonwoman That sounds like draining work. Make sure to do some self care.
@SadMemeQueen Don’t feel guilty, as much as we care for another person, we can’t get better for them, it has to be for ourselves. I love my kids, but I couldn’t get sober for them. I had to do it for me.
Haven’t been on here in a while, my usual, but didn’t realize how long it had been. Opened the app and realized I have 518 days today. Was really great to see! I kinda stopped keeping track after one year because it seemed like it was almost causing me anxiety thinking more about the number than about working on not drinking. I hope everyone is doing well today and has an even better tomorrow.
I haven’t self-medicated for the fatigue for almost 3 months, and am not going to take that way out anymore. That much I do know as it could only be a temporary fix that makes it worse long term.
Chucked a vinyl yesterday while cooking I’ll share with you! Not nearly as cool, I need some funk and disco in my collection for sure!!
And a million times better doing it sober. Here if you ever want to talk, I’ve been down that road of meds and little ones and trying to juggle it all, you aren’t alone x
