Still out here doin my thing
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Good evening everyone. Checking in on day 271 af. My wife and I spent a large chunk of the day at the hospital figuring out the safest course for our medical issue. I apologize about not warning people of a trigger when I posted before. My thoughts were and still are a little uncontrollable. Sheās in a bit of pain today but everything seems to be running itās course naturally. Want to thank everyone again for the support and kind words. Hope everyone takes care and stays safe.
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Nice perch, and the background is beautiful. Seems very peaceful.
Awesome news Mike! And al anon is effective and letās them express their emotions in a safe, comfortable spot and can even be done through zoom as well now. Glad to see the application is submitted and I will be wishing you the best! Take care friend and keep your head up.
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Checkin in, rounding off 1 month 2 days today.
Been thinking a lot todayā¦
Recently saw my little brother that I havenāt talked to in about 5 years. Things did not end well between us. We are 16 years apart so I didnāt grow up with him. He was raised by our alcoholic mother, diff dads, I was raised by my highly functioning alcoholic father. Anyway, I moved him out of my moms and into my home and cared for him, gave him everything he needed and then some (new clothes, shoes, xbox, his own bedroom), all I wanted him to do was clean up after himself and do some chores around the house (dust, take out trash, empty dishwasher, little shit). Well he didnāt like that, said a whole bunch of horrible horrible things to me, and ran off to my moms ex bfs house (man who raised him from 2 to 13), and I hadnāt seen him since. The stars aligned and I ran into him. He seemed to genuinely miss me, it was a good reunion! But then 3 silent days later, he asks me for money. He seems to be interested in what he can get from me rather than rebuild the relationship we once had. No thanks, I think I will keep that relationship at a distance like it was. It makes me sad, I was excited about starting over. But not if the first moment is a red flag moment. I gotta take care of me first. I did not drink, he does not deserve my power.
Also thinking about the moment I realized that I had a problem with alcohol. I was driving, and listening to music. I play a song and it just plays things I may like afterwards. Came across this song called āSave Meā By Jelly Roll. immediately fell in love with the song, Iām a sucker for a ballad, but when I listened to the lyrics, I had to pull over bc I started crying. It felt so personal to me, and made me realize my dependency. And if Iām not careful, I will end up like my mom, where my kids have to peel me off the floor of my cat piss filled apartment and drag me to rehabā¦ or end up like my dad where I get shit done, but I donāt have meaningful relationships with anyone. Turns out, the artist Jelly Roll, is a rapper who is sober. A lot of the songs Iāve heard by him are about addiction. Iām a fan.
Iām always writing novels on here, its never my intention when I get started and I donāt expect anyone to really read all of itā¦ I may be addicted to typing too lol, but the words just pour out of me. Iām grateful for this group regardless. But its been a food for thought kinda day. Iām getting ready to head out of town tomorrow evening, very excited for my cousin and her upcoming wedding this Saturday. Should be a great time!
If you donāt heal what hurt you, youāll bleed on those who didnāt cut you. I quit drinking bc I was tired of bleeding on those around me. Goodnight everyone. Have a safe and sober 24
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Day 11 for me. Two busy days ahead at work and then itās the weekend
Going walking Saturday and Sunday
Feeling alot calmer
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Day 22 in the books. 1030 at night, why not have a cup of coffee and go for a run. Much love all, keep it simple. One day at a time!
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Checking in day one again!
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1076
Coffee. A couple of days of big T-storms ahead. Enough things to do at home during my little staycation. And return to the gym. Also tonight Iām meeting an ex-colleague for dinner who left a little bit before me.
Tried to call my old best friend last night. No answer. Like the whatsapps I send before and after got no reaction. She either thinks I donāt put in enough effort, or she is simply really done with our friendship. Probably the last. For now anyway. Sad.
At least Iām sober and clean, or I wouldāve tried to drown my sadness in booze and drugs. I know now that never works. Iām not tempted. Moving forward one day at a time. Have as good a day as you all can friends. Clean and sober or nothing will come of it. Together. Love.
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Truth. Write all you want Shaunna. You write about life. Thanks for sharing. Itās appreciated. And it helps, yourself as well as others, me included. Iām glad youāre here.
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Day 646
Still stressing about the kitty, her eyes are not getting better quickly, we are supposed to hand over to the new family at the weekend, what if they change their mind and donāt take her, what if they take her THEN change their mind and get rid of her? I am really tired from waking in the night to feed her and should be doing something for my boss but too tired to concentrate and my husband sighs and rolls his eyes everytime kitty meows, so I am extra on edge to see to her straightaway. It is not a big deal really compared to many life problems that occur, but I really hate the uncertainty, and feeling like I did something wrong.
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That truth right there just made me smile!!!
I know itās a struggle, sometimes itās way easier just to go back to our old coping ways and I know I struggled on always being in a bad mood that would then allow all the negativity become my way of thinkingā¦ It took me a while to understand changing that mood benefited me on seeing a different outcome x
Adore seeing your journey the honesty and willingness is just pure.
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I get the feeling. It might be an idea to inform people in advance about the problems around the eyes. You can immediately tell that something like this often occurs in kittens and it quickly passes with the right ointment. Then they are aware and they do not suddenly change their mind. It is also a fact that kittens often have this problem but with cleaning and ointments it often goes away quickly.
And youāre really not doing anything wrong. You do everything you can and that can only be good.
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Congratulations on 30+ days!
Sounds like a challenging situation with your brother, but seems your handling it well. Also heard some JR music lately, āSon of a Sinnerā is near the top of my rotation. Keep typing all you like, I know it helps. Stay well and keep it up.
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Check in at day 261.
Just got back from the doctor. The complaints of the fatigue begin to take its toll. 2 weeks ago I was still very sick, all the symptoms of Covid were there but it wasnāt it. That lasted until the day before yesterday, when it only got better and yesterday I got sick again. Today again almost 39 degrees fever and cold it goes on and on. The doctor confirmed what I already knew deep down. I work too much and am still recovering from Covid at the end of March, which means I have a reduced resistance and I get a virus again and again. Weāre going to have a blood test tomorrow just to be sure. But according to the doctor I have to work half of what I do now. Thatās hard for me, I was just having so much fun. I must keep thinking about my mental health and recovery but apparently I also need to recover physically. Both at the same time and that is quite heavy when you are so tired. I will of course follow the doctorās advice, but I had just received a contract at a permanent home and I have taken tests for nursing actions. I have just bad luck and will have to accept it. Good health is our greatest gift 
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Itās difficult to take a step back but it prevents you from burnout. At least you can work half of the time. I hope you will feel better soon Ilona 
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40 days at the top of today and I feel good. Yeah Iām eating sweets a lot, but Iāve let this fug lift somewhat. Me and my other half are away from tomorrow for two days in the countryside which Iām super grateful of and looking forward to another sober break. We never do big holidays, just days and bits here and there; that works for me and my attention fatigue.
My abusive mother has been in contact again. Ignored. Sheās probably fuming, but this is about me. She can face her own altered reality and addiction.
Iām so proud of myself. I really am in a better place this week and I really hope it lasts
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Thanks Claudia I hope so too. I took the next few days off to take a good rest. Iām not used to being sick and now so often?! Iām not going to resist it mentally anymore my body needs this.
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6 months clean, working with my sponsor and she is lovely.
My bestie is changing. Not nice, working as much as possible, taking on work all night and each weekend. I feel like Iām being gaslighted. ā¦ again.
I need to listen to my intuition. I do.
Iām in recovery, he is not.
I work a program , he does not.
I do service work, he stays away from people altogether.
Why would I continue? Because Iām stupid. . .
I was strong being single, Iāve been weakened by stupidity.
I canāt believe Iām here again. (Little fit, huge loud gurgling scream, release and let go)
I LOVE my work. I am honored to speak to so many women in early recovery. I am honored to be a peer coach today and watch women blossom , make and meet their goals and achieve success.
Iām at a lull in my personal life. I must find balance. I go go go and donāt work out, no friends, no personal stuff. Itās really draining my entire (multiple dimensions of wellness) battery.
Prayers are welcome. I hope I find friends who will embrace all of me and not only what I can do for them. I ask for deep and meaningful people to enter my life. I need them. I do.
I donāt struggle with drugs or alcohol any longer, I struggle with my own head, heart, body messages. I struggle with depression, I struggle with feeling like I dont belong, I struggle with abandonment. I struggle.
I struggle with connecting. I struggle with intimacy. Not just sexual but friendship wise too.
Thank you for letting me be on here again.
I remember being so thirsty for recovery and belonging and this app has always helped.
Amen
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Hey all, checking in on day 704. I hope everybody has a good one!
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