Checking in on day 366. Today was actually super difficult due to all the complex emotions together with the proximity of even more booze at the hotel we’re at. I made it though.
Thank you all soooooo much for the congratulations and words of support. I am legit tearing up here. My wife is a normie and totally doesn’t get the significance of it (though I know she appreciates the new me). But that can be isolating. There is something about a community of people who actually get it, you know? I wish I could hug you all.
DREW!! Congrats! I can still remember last year you struggling a bit over the 4th of July holiday and I am so happy for you and so proud to see how far you’ve come. 365 days of you kicking addictions butt! (now 366 I guess cuz I’m slow oops)
Awe thank u for ur support I truly appreciate it! I find it getting easier and easier to pull myself out of those rough days where mentally and emotionally I’m struggling and wanting to use. It truly is very few and far btwn when I get those real urges to use. But I only think that is this way bcuz I do my best to do the work daily to keep my addiction at bay. I do fall short some days tho and I struggle to keep my routine but I really try hard. I’m glad ur here and posting and I hope that I can also be a support for u too whenever u need it!
It is weird being extremely committed to not drinking or smoking, but also seriously depressed. I dont get strong or lasting cravings. Just wistful thoughts. i recognize im being wistful for nightmare behavior…
I feel like im going insane in this world of nothing. There is an episode of spongebob where squidward is trapped in an empty, dimensionless white world and is surrounded by “alone” voices. I guess it makes sense. Ive been able to rationalize drug abuse as long as i have because its always been secondary to major mental illness and trauma i dont write about here.
So i literally am almost 29 and have days full of nothing. Im scared of myself. My executive function is so so bad. My ankle is healing but it will hurt when i go back to work tomorrow, which i dread because i hate my job.
I have a lot to lose. Trying to remember that as it slips through my fingers. How do i translate that commitment to not drinking to physically getting up and making phone calls and keeping my living space clean. Because im still living with no self respect. crying about the same incompetence ive had in high school. Redundant.
A comforting thing i saw today: a reddit thread encouraging a person who is 33 that they are still young enough to make major educational career changes.
Thanks for listening. Sorry for being this miserable.
@anon77094126 So happy to hear your mum is okay , had been thinking how you were all doing, this is good news.
@moonchild7994 Sorry to hear your going through quite a bit all at the same time. You probably did the best thing removing yourself from th situation, your doing well so keep you head up, and I hope things get better today for you.
@Minatasha Hooe your ankle heals soon. Have you spoken with your dr about the depression?
I would suggest this as you seem to be feeling like all this stuff you written and blaming yourself for not being good enough. This is a sign of depression. Things will fall into place. Congratulations on 99 days hope you feel better soon.
@Shna its great you going to see therapist. Congratulations on 57 days that’s brilliant.
@Seb glad your here. Being here with us is better than being alone, we all know what those feelings feel like, we get it.
So I very nearly fucked up. I spent an hour trying to find something to use. Found it. And then I was ready to do it I just couldn’t. After all of that I didn’t even want to all that much. I just couldn’t get myself to. Which I suppose is a good thing. I got rid of what I was going to use. I’m mad at myself and really anxious, but I suppose it shows progress that I didn’t go through with it. Now that I threw it away I really really want to but I’m also impressed with myself that I didn’t do it
1st, congratulations on 99 days, that is a huge accomplishment and you should be proud of yourself No need to apologize for being sad, sounds like you’re going through a lot, I agree with @Twizzlers, maybe you should talk to your Dr about depression, there’s a lot that can be done, and it’s not forever. I wish I was 29 again, I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but you have your whole life ahead of you, and you can do it sober! Please have faith
Checking in at the end of Sunday, sober. I had a pretty good day, bought some nice houseplants, been staying busy around the house. I’m trying to be careful about over doing anything, because that’s usually when I flare up. It’s hard on me, because when I don’t drink, I’m anxious and can’t sit still. Can’t even watch TV without being distracted from it constantly. Anyway, it WAS a good day for me, ODAAT, that’s all I can do. Hugs and goodnight to all.
Glad to hear it . It wouldn’t have solved anything, as you well know. I know your living situation is awful, but you have to find other ways to deal with it.
Congrats on the 99 ODAATs Minatasha
I had quite a few milestone things happen to me. And for me it was depression and romanticizing the booze. Not urges. Just romanticizing. It drove me crazy. And I was soooo depressed. I guess I was lucky I didn’t have a job. Or maybe not. I didn’t do anything for days. Except walk the dogs. But I went to bed sober. I figured. That’s my job. If that’s the only thing I do. Then I’m ahead of the game. I’ve said it before. This shit is hard. Nothing good will come if you don’t share your misery. It’s ok. We’ll gladly take some of it when we can. We get it.
We got your back.
Hang in there.
1101
Coffee. Biking to work and back yesterday was fine although the wind didn’t help and I do feel my legs now. So no sports today. Make myself some good food. Do some chores. Relax a bit. Back to work tomorrow.
I love my new job. Colleagues, clients, the work itself. I’m home. I nearly got the same job 5 years ago but in retrospect it’s good I didn’t get it. I didn’t truly realize I had a problem with addiction myself back then. My recovery isn’t done because it never will be but three years I feel I learned enough to work with addicts in a meaningful way. Sober and clean and trying to give some back.
Got an afternoon of online DIM (deescalation intervention method) training coming up today. Not the physical one (figures), this one is about communication. Done it a number of times before but as a new employee I need to do this one. OK. Kinda strange it’s on zoom instead of teams. Zoom is deemed not safe enough for work meetings here. Anyway. It will be fine.
Have as good a week as you all can friends. Make it clean and sober or nothing will come of it. Love form the Amsterdam Rijnkanaal, the cycling highway between Amsterdam and Utrecht.
I went to nursing school at 40, after throwing away a university education when I was in my early 20’s. Now I’m 56 and planning to go back to school and learn how to incorporate my personal experience with mental health problems and addiction into my work. It’s never too late! Life doesn’t end because we grow older. It ends when we die and I’m not quite dead yet.
Work your recovery lady ( I know you already do too). That includes working on your mental health. I know how tough it is dealing with depression. The paradox of having to get into motion, literal and figurative, while depression prevents you from moving at all. That’s where professional help gets into play. Been there done that and not done either. It’s hard work. But doable and so worth it. Keep going. Wishing you all success. Hugs and love your way.
I truly appreciate it! I find it getting easier and easier to pull myself out of those rough days where mentally and emotionally I’m struggling and wanting to use. It truly is very few and far btwn when I get those real urges to use. But I only think that is this way bcuz I do my best to do the work daily to keep my addiction at bay. I do fall short some days tho and I struggle to keep my routine but I really try hard. I’m glad ur here and posting and I hope that I can also be a support for u too whenever u need it!
my dad used to say this and it just fits. Im reaching out to my therapist tomorrow, I need more tools.
, had been thinking how you were all doing, this is good news.
hope you feel better soon.
