Maybe because of the old school stereotype that comes to mind when people hear the word “alcoholic”… Sometimes it feels like shame or embarrassment, being vulnerable or being perceived as weak to admit it to other people (especially to those who do drink).
Of course, we know it is none of those things, but the fear can still be there?
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Yeah I defenitly feel embarresed and weak, like I cant control my drinking, how lame and wierd am I. And I absolutley feel weak that cant control myself and have a problem. Dont want to loode face, and show I have weakspots, I am strong. I wonder what would People say and think about me saying Im an alcholic.
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When i used to get invited after work for friday drinks i jsut used to say i dont drink, the odd person would say something like ‘never’ or ’ did you used to drink’ and id reply ‘i dont drink because i like it too much’ and i had alot of years behind me then so i was quite confident and comfortable saying it, but i actally didnt say ‘im an alcoholic’. This is interesting now for me to think about.
But you will be surprised how many of us are actually out there alot of times the reply to me saying i dont drink would be ‘i dont drink either’ or ‘how long has it been’.
Once or twice i was asked ‘is it because you have a drinking problem’ and as it wasnt really any of their business id say ’ i stopped just incase, i wasnt waiting to find out’.
I see my self as a non drinker, to the non drinking community i am an alcoholic thats why i dont drink. But unless its people im close with iv always been a private person. But if its something you want to share with people dont be ashamed of it, own it.
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I dont know how to own it.
I was not many asking about not drinking, it was not Just me not drinking. I dont know, I just feelt like in a corner, when asked like are you not drinking, then why and ohh just one…
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In my early sobriety id say im driving i cant or im taking antibiotics. Its a hard one this one, as i said its got me thinking because i dont know if id be comfortable saying outloud ‘im an alcoholic’ if im not in an environment where people understand what being an alcoholic really is.
Got me thinking here about it too.
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Yeah its a bit hard. I know I cant drink and why, and I think at this point I am quite honest with my self saying to my self I am an alcholic. But to say it out loud, to let People see me vulnerable, I dont know, what will they think: omg shes an alcholic, did you know, People talking, yeah I dont know.
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Or is it, if its out there and I drink. It will be you know shes an alcholic buy she is off the wagon, and all that. Maybe I think to much, or care to much what other say and think of me.
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250 Days Free from Alcohol
250 Days Free from Nicotine
250 Days Free from Cocaine
Good morning everyone and a huge thank you for all the support yesterday, i cant even put into words how uplifting and how it touched my heart to receive such care and support from you.
Today i am feeling alot better, still can feel the feelings from yesterday in the bottom of my stomach trying to get out, but im not letting them.
Im going to get out early to get a small food shop before my online order comes tomorrow, i have stuff here but in going to treat myself to something fancy but easy and take another day of being easy on myself so i can heal, without giving these feelings room to grow and take over.
I have therapy appointment today at 1:15pm, was suppose to be face to face, but they are happy with my request for them to call me instead.
Not sure how il feel afterwards but with some snacks and self care il be ok, this is the way forward as part of the healing process and as i learnt from having a session last week, it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. So iv written some stuff to talk about today try to make sense of the jumble in my mind. So i think i am trying to say im in a way looking forward to it 
I wish you all a great day.
Il be on off if any one needs me, and reading through posts.
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I think it just takes time. Time to feel comfortable saying “I’m an alcoholic” aloud to another person. Time to not care what other people think. It used to worry me but now not anymore. Thry can now judge all they want - I’m proud of who I am and how far I have gotten. And to those that do matter to me, they are proud of me also. They are the only people I think or care about. I also don’t always tell people that I’m an alcoholic, just that I’ve decided not to drink anymore.
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1095
Coffee. New workweek, busy morning taking care of work related stuff like IT and such at home before a late shift coming up. Dreamed there was war in my city. Bombardments going on. My home (the one I grew up in and dream about regularly) was half blown away but I thought something like well, it’s only half, the water and heating are still working. Let’s get on with life.
No idea what this has to do with my sobriety really. The imagery is strong in my head. I guess I just share what’s going on here. Wishing you all as good a day or night as possible. Let’s all make it clean and sober or nothing will come of it. Love.
@Twizzlers Beautiful numbers lady! Big congrats on your progress with everything.
@Wakikki Alcoholic is still such a heavy term. I don’t use it. Maybe it’s slightly easier for me to do so and still feel authentic to myself as I had problems with other drugs too. And that’s what I usually say when asked. I’m a problematic user of drugs and alcohol so I don’t use them. People who insist I have just one can go to hell. I just answer no I won’t. End of.
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Iv had dreams like this before, I wont go in to detail incase triggers any one, but they feel so real and the feeling stays with you even once awake. With everything going on in the world its is very upsetting, those dreams are difficult.
Have a lovely day and thank you
Lovely pic btw
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Good morning day160!
Today is a day that I will share the details of my journey in complete honesty! This picture is my first born… my beautiful daughter graduating high school, from which I had to watch from the local news station… why you ask? Well she said she didn’t want me there! The most heart wrenching words I’ve ever heard as her mother come from her mouth! At first my knee jerk reaction was anger with rattling questions running like a hamster wheel through my mind.
“ Like, I am your mother I deserve to be there, after all the things we’ve been through, how dare you I’ve given you everything, you wouldn’t of gotten here if I hadn’t of pushed you so hard”ect…
Then immediately following was sadness and self pity… with thoughts of oh what I’m missing out on, what is everyone going to think if I’m not there, I’m not a bad mom…
So after all the raging tears I became numb and resentful with a constant lump in my throat at the thought of this important monumental moment of my daughters life that I was dismissed from here right now is the moment I become venerable so that I can heal and possibly help another.
So I have gone to A.A meetings in the past and hearing others share that they have lost their whole family because of drinking and I would think of how blessed I was because my kids still stuck by my side and that is a bullet I dodged, because now I am sick of being sick and my journey of recovery has begun whew… WRONG! I was 150 days sober when my daughter told me she didn’t want me there and I was slapped so hard in the face with ALL the horrible, wrong, selfish, cold, hurtful feelings my daughter had harbored and carried all those dreadful years in my sickness… she’d had enough and now that I’m sober and clear minded she was finally able to express her feelings without them being drowned out with alcohol!
This is a part of recovery that you can’t understand until you get there (at least for me) kinda an ahha moment if you will. Seriously whirlwind of emotions spinning out of control thinking well if she hates me forever I might as well say fk it and drink? Or stay in the good fight and not only prove to myself that I’m not that monster living in forever bondage… but be alive, alert and show that even in the face od defeat that getting sober and staying sober is my life support! I want to be someone she can call on in the future about adult responsibilities and life trials, I want her to call me and ask how to cook something ect… however if those days never come and I’ve lost all that I love I can never give up because one thing she will never be able to say is my mom died as a wasted worthless no good drunk!
So I’m learning that as this unfolds the backlash of events from my Catastrophic 18 year drinking binge has a shit ton of more healing and dealing just because I don’t remember half the garbage I did and said doesn’t give me ANY right to dismiss it and expect anyone else to. So I’m happy today that I’ve been able to get that off my chest no need to hang onto it when I can heal and help. ODAT!!! Sending healing love and strength to anyone that needs it! Don’t give up your worth it!
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Thank you for sharing, you know you couldnt have worded that better, your understanding of why she felt like that.
What stands out to me in this is your will and strength after feeling pushed to the side, ALL the feelings you may have felt and still maybe feel you realised that you need to stay sober to build the trust and your willing to do that no matter what or how long it takes.
Thats special.
Im sorry too for you but so happy you didnt think F this and carry on, because i can tell you the trust can be rebuilt but its only time and consistency in our actions.
Its like we are proving ourselves but without actually intentionally trying to show we have changed, they see our actions over time and that we have indeed really changed and became reliable and this is what builds the trust.
Your right, no matter how much your pushed away still be there for them, and it hurts i can feel your pain in your writing but you also cant live your life regretting and carrying a world of guilt around with you.
What your doing by correcting your faults you see in yourself and concentrating on what can be done for the future will benefit your children and you too.
Iv had to learn to separate my emotions like:
Worries … Anger … etc
My anger regret and guilt are feelings i carry with me from my past, things I can not change so i have to let go of it.
I have to let it go, i can not expect to heal and get better if i carry that with me.
You have to forgive yourself.
My worries and anxieties are what i should be concentrating on because they are jumbling around in my mind so once iv let go of the anger and guilt regret feelings, what am i left with ?
Im left with worry and anxiety.
I have to ask myself where are these feelings growing from?
Things im worried might or might not happen, anxious over what could go wrong in the future, these are things i can have a little bit of control over and actions to make better. So the more i i concentrate on these feelings the closer i am to feeling balanced which helps those around me see change. At the moment this is a work in progress for me… its so much easier said than done.
Im not sure if any if this made much sense apologies if it doesnt, thank you for sharing this. Hope it reads clear for you, my brains a bit fuzzy iv tried to explain the best i can right now.
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Yes!
thank you !
That’s good advice I needed to be reminded of how easily Forgotten that shame , anxiety and regret will not help but hurt! So for today hold head high and keep pushing forward much love!
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Day 259 checking in 
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Ahhhh lovely, sending you a big hug!!
Such an emotional share and it made me teary because it reminded me of my teenage daughter turning around and telling me (when I was several months in recovery) “there are some things I will never be able to forgive you for!” And I went through all those thought processes you have just been through.
The reality and magnitude of how our past actions have affected those around us is such a slap in the face isn’t it!
But yes, as @Twizzlers said so well, trust (and in my case, also, forgiveness) is regained through actions over time, showing them that we have and are changing.
The progress we are making now, does not immediately take away the hurt we caused in the past, its going to take time. But as long as you stay on the path you’re on now, you have a great chance of that happening - and I’m so happy to hear that you plan to stick with this sober journey. ODAAT 
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I was asked by a cousin the other day why I wasn’t drinking and said “at my last appt. after rounds of tests my doctor said it wasn’t doing me any favors so I quit.” It’s the absolute truth and avoids using the dreaded/stigma laden terms ‘sober’ and ‘alcoholic’ that leads alot of people to jump to you must have a problem with alcohol. Which I do, but that’s my business.
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3 Y, 8 Days
Came across this today and it was such a timely reminder for me to “stop and smell the roses”. I’ve been so super focused on plans and goals for the future that I haven’t been thinking much about where I am today.
I’m a pretty impatient person and prefer things to happen today rather than next week, next month, next year… I want all the “miracles of sobriety” now damnit 
but when I sit down, reflect and think about it… many a time, I dreamed of being where I am at today, especially in relation to my sober journey and all that comes with it. So…today, I am appreciating and giving a very grateful thank you to, today.
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Hey all, checking in on day 723. I hope everybody has a good one!
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Thanks for sharing 
. It is a shame about the graduation. But if u keep not drinking, maybe she’ll want u at the job celebration or the wedding, or whatever event in the future. Healing takes time. Good for you for feeling the hurt, and not drinking over it.
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