I had a hard time with sleep last night. I woke up 4 am and wasn’t able to fully rest after that.
I got into a disagreement with a family member that turned into a squabble right in front of my grandma.
Not very pleasant for me. It was like an out of body experience. I couldn’t even believe what was happening in front of me. I did a fair share of crying and this type of situation is definitely something I would have drank for. The stress, the sadness and anger all coupled together. I didn’t and I just asked God what it is that he wants me to learn out of this situation. Stress is pretty high with my grandma’s recent cancer diagnosis and not knowing exactly what stage she is in so I feel that might have fueled some of the tension. Perhaps my family member isn’t thinking all that straight and they have had it taught the past weeks. However I don’t think the situation should’ve been handled the way it was handled. Woke up nauseous and with anxiety. I like to be nonconfrontational as I grew up in a very conflictive household. Having to deal with confrontation always gets me back to that defenseless childhood me who was powerless. Triggers a lot for me. I have reached out and made my peace and try and be the mature adult in the situation so I hope it is well received. Not looking forward to months of stress over this and need all my energy to deal with my grandma’s situation. She has her Appt. with the oncologist Wednesday.
Still sober, Glad I am and looking forward to remaining this way
Evening Check in Day 154
I’m honestly having a hard day. Today started out okay but multiple things happened, my stress level is high, I’m struggling to pull out of my state of mind, I’ve had urges to use, (thankfully we don’t have the $$ and I wouldn’t even bother talking about it anyway and ruining over 5 months of continuous recovery)… but the thots are there. I feel out of sorts and not “right” in my head. I’m burnt out and irritable. I’m normally such a positive, optimistic, upbeat person and I feel like I’m the complete opposite right now. U know, these moments are bound to happen. Not every day is the same and this too shall pass. Just gotta ride the waves haha I think I overdid it today. I’ve been consciously trying to watch my tone and words with hubby during everything and I’m starting to burn out bcuz it’s alot of work lol I feel like I’m back in my 1st few weeks of recovery, where everything is so much effin work. Ugh. I’m also worried about my health and what I’m eating, which is eating me alive and renting so much damn space in my head. I just need to pray to my HP and ask for help here. Cuz too much is going on
Sorry your struggling there L. There’s a lot on your plate. Confrontations make me physically I’ll. My stomach gets all twisted in knots. Lately I’ve been doing a lot of guided meditations when I find the time and realize. Why is this still bothering me?
I’ll be praying for you Grandma and your family and for strength and peace for you.
Your doing great by the way.
Thank you so much Eric.
I’m learning to deal with emotions.
I am now sitting with them and thinking through
I want to learn from each experience I have through this journey both good and bad
I want to set boundaries with my relationships
But I want to first make a thorough observation of myself and my behaviors now that I have a clear mind.
I’m looking at sobriety as an all compassing journey to become a better family member and human being
Give the best of me I suppose
I know we’re all human and I won’t be perfect but I can try and be my best
@C_8 Incredible! Congratulations! @Lovelyoutlook I know what its like to be nauseous from anxiety; for me those are the times I’m closest to drinking. Hang in there! @Butterflymoonwoman Hope your nights getting better. Your aquarium is fanatastic!
It doesn’t take long to get behind on this thread, I got a lot of reading to do! just had to check in say hi. went to the job thing today, they want my last 5 employers. With my spotty work history I really can’t remember 5. 3, maybe. So I gotta fill that out somehow and return it tomorrow. But what’s really bugging me is I’m dying for a drink right now. Stay busy reading and watch movies but can’t stop thinking about it.
Wanted to post something alittle more positive than my last one I recently made. So anyway, here are a few pics of the new tank. That big fish is one that we adopted. He is 18 inches tall and 11 years old. Right now we have 3 sharks, lots of glow tetras, a betta fish, 3 pleckos, 3 dwarf frogs (1 who is pregnant)
Absolutely! Especially a teacher’s pet like me, I wanted to be doing it the ‘best’. And just generally wondering if my sponsor likes me, finds me too much of a mess, not enough of a mess, too eager, not eager enough, yada yada
There’s just so much in my head right now: pain, exhaustion, sadness, loneliness and the curiosity of if I drank again, would I feel better?
I’m on Day 38 & I can easily say I feel worse than when I drank. I don’t sleep well, definitely not better. I haven’t lost any weight even though I don’t seem to eat much. I’ve thought about moderation, and to be honest with myself, I probably couldn’t even moderate the 1st time.
I quit because I knew I was out of control, but why does it matter. No one knew except me, and now you. I quit because it was killing me. That should be enough, yet sometimes we still drink. I want to feel better, I want to wake up not feeling worse than when I went to bed.
Sorry for all the negativity, I don’t like when I write it. I thought maybe it would help me with this day. I haven’t given up, as Dana wrote and I’ve often used it for pain. ‘This too shall pass’. Hugs to all, goodnight.
I feel ur post so much right now I’m so sorry ur feeling shitty. Maybe sleep will help and we can reset for tomorrow. Happiness I feel is made. For me anyway, it doesn’t just happen. When I let myself just go about my day withouf any conscious effort on my part, it usually ends up in a mess honestly. I feel like I don’t know how to manage my thinking and emotions at times. I literally have to make an effort to be positive and upbeat. But we are human too and somedays it’s just hard… living life on life’s terms. Accepting the things we can not change (others), and changing the things we can (ourselves). Hope ur evening gets better. This too shall pass
Hey Maxi
I’m glad you posted. Get that negativity down on here and let it the fuck out. We are here for you. I’m glad to see you using us.
No you fucking wouldn’t!! And I’m so happy you know that.
We cannot moderate. We’ve tried. Not an option.
It matters to me. Max and Riley. And I know it matters to you. It matters a lot to you. You want this sobriety so bad. And you’re doing it. It’s fucking hard as hell. You got a rough patch you got to go through. You got pain. But you don’t have shame today. You got yourself another day!
Congratulations on day 38.
We got your back sweet lady.
I’m always available. I got your back if you need me. My PM is always open.
Evening Check in 
thanks 
I’m so sorry ur feeling shitty. Maybe sleep will help and we can reset for tomorrow. Happiness I feel is made. For me anyway, it doesn’t just happen. When I let myself just go about my day withouf any conscious effort on my part, it usually ends up in a mess honestly. I feel like I don’t know how to manage my thinking and emotions at times. I literally have to make an effort to be positive and upbeat. But we are human too and somedays it’s just hard… living life on life’s terms. Accepting the things we can not change (others), and changing the things we can (ourselves). Hope ur evening gets better. This too shall pass 
