I fell asleep at 8pm last night, and woke up at 11pm and haven’t managed any more sleep. So I’ve been frustrated, tired, and cold all day. I managed to read a chapter of a book for the first time since the start of the year though, it felt good, but I couldn’t manage more than a chapter.
I really did plan to swim today but didn’t have the energy. It wiped me out just walking 5mins to the shop and back.
Tomorrow is my final therapy session with the therapist I’ve been seeing for the past year. I accept and understand it has to end, but I wish it wasn’t, I’m scared of going backwards since my progress is slow and small. It is suggested that I find a private therapist whom I can spend longer-term with, more frequently than once per week, but I fear this won’t be affordable. I feel awkward about wrapping up the sessions tomorrow, endings freak me out, but I’ll be fine once I’m on the train home, or so I hope.
Checking in. I will have 6 years in one week from today! It is truly a miracle - I could not go a day without drinking wine before. I had to buy it every evening because if I had any extra around the house I might drink it. I did mom-ing and drinking every night and was so proud of myself for “multi-tasking” - until it didn’t work anymore. I went to AA and it took me about 6 months to completely quit.
Sitting on site with morning coffee waiting for the crew to arrive, had a drinking dream last night, everytime I time I do I end up being really bummed out I’d broken my sobriety thankful it was only a dream.
Been a bit up and down this week, heard from a good friend last night that hes 4 months off the needle and doing life again!
Nearly lost someone im super close to due to an attempt on life.
Still managed not to pick up, still managed to support said person.
138 days free from alcohol
119 days free from toxic relationships
29 days imperfect regular eating
Checking in
Today 2 earlier coworkers in my job field quit the company. Had such good, long calls with both of them with a very friendly and human conversation. We all felt that our work together was a very special time. Switched numbers with one of them. So i worked on and mitigate my feelings of being a social alien sometimes
Still thoughts about regular drinking.
What keeps me from trying is that i would feel like last idiot ass, if I would have to reset the timer. I would be soo ashamed. So reason is TS Fam. Thank you all!
I still c the pros of my sobriety.
But these thoughts coming up.
There is a lot about wine around this “thing” called Christmas and it’s triggering.
Free from toxic relationships.
Recovered from Saturday. For him maybe it was a swim date like every other. For me there was this cold touch… I am very sensitive and intuitive. I can trust my feelings.
I am totally okay.
I am absolutely good enough.
He has the problem.
Won’t close my heart again.
I will let it grow!
Regular eating was a bit out of control by eating lots of rye spelt sourdough bread yesterday in the evening. I thought i will reset the timer. But as I still woke up with suuuuch a hunger, it wasn’t too much. I did 4 times over 2000 meters of swimming from Friday till Monday burning over 800cal each and a hike on Sunday. So sometimes there is bigger hunger after such a lot of sports!
This morning was really rough. Had the sweats like crazy and I couldn’t stomach much yesterday so I was incredibly light headed. Luckily I have an incredibly supportive fiancé who took care of my usual morning household responsibilities and picked me up a smoothie.
I’ve since cooled off and got some calories in me, I can confidently string together a sentence and somewhat focus on work, and I’m feeling much better!
I’m nervous for this evening, but the little time I’ve spent here has already taught me that you just need to take it one moment at a time. It’s scary, but I can do it!!
Checking in - less than 24 hours.
I am so glad to see this thread is still going. I was here about 2 years ago under a different username & it is awesome to see a couple of the same people still here.
The most sober time I have ever had, was when I was here with you all. I made the huge mistake of thinking that I was at the point that I could control my drinking after being sober for several months. Nope. Never works. Eventually I fell right back into the same old patterns.
I think holding onto that thought, always seemed to keep a door open to the possibility of being able to drink in moderation. I have finally fully accepted that will never happen. With that, I’m going to give it all I have this round and praying for a win. My birthday is on Saturday and I really want this year to be sober free.
Much love to everyone on their journey as well
Evening Check In Day 297
Today was good! Some moments of irritability. I always feel like i need to rush all the time in doing things. I dont have to and i have no reason to feel this way but i constantly have to tell myself to sloooowww down so i dont get into a bad mood lol I ran my errands. Came home to tidy up and get supper ready. I have been fighting the urge to eat out of bordeom or something. Its not even that im hungry, so im being aware of that and waiting until supper. Not much else going on i guess. A regular “normal” day. Hope everyone is doing well today!
Days
58 drug free
187 no self harm
21 eating daily
I had a day. It wasn’t inherently bad but not awesome either…
I worked today but no break dissociated and almost self harmed but somehow managed to stop myself…
After work I got a call from my doctor about my blood work, and she said my liver function suggests i am a moderate to heavy drinker, but I’m not. And that i have low vitamin levels and my good cholesterol is too low…
I have had a little time to think about it and I think maybe my years of using drugs may have caused my liver issue… Along with my father’s drinking history (not actually sure if that is a factor, just a thought)and my mother’s history of liver and gallbladder problems…
I will have follow-up blood work in March to see if my liver function has improved any.
I am feeling angry with myself and sad and frustrated.
I tried to get signed up for therapy through my job, but i have too many diagnoses… I’m feeling overwhelmed more often than not these days. And i don’t want to fall back into the trap of addiction because I don’t know if i would be strong enough to break free again…
I will try to find some sort of mental health help though because I do have a lot of problems and I used to self medicate with cocaine but that is the wrong answer. So i need a healthy alternative. Otherwise I don’t know how I will cope.
Checking in on day 83. Feeling very unfocused at the moment. I’ll be starting a new job in the new year but the transition plan isn’t very concrete yet so I feel like I’m in limbo. Lots of feels. Still strong in my sobriety but I can’t wait for things to settle into a new routine.
Recently I have booked a trial dance lesson for my daughter, been around to take and pick her up from various friends, been to discuss my son at his school, done various extra tasks, emails, etc for work. I could have done none of these things without the time and energy that sobriety brings. How stressful it was to try and live a life while hungover or obsessing over the next drink. Things are not perfect, and I feel bad about my binge eating, my irritability, but Jesus, how much worse it was before.
Just wanted to take a minute to thank everyone in this community for sharing your own stories and journeys with recovery and being so vulnerable. It really has helped me with my own sobriety and made me feel less alone in my struggle. Words cannot express me appreciation and gratitude and I wouldn’t be here without each and every one of you. So thank-you!
on day 24 no booze, hope everyone is having a good hump day! God bless
Checking in - less than 24 hours.
sounds like u learned alot from ur relapse. Keeo moving forward one day at a time 
Evening Check In 
