How you doing today Jean?
@FeelingBetter
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Day 7. Feeling energetic so more gardening. Feeling like Iām finally getting some stuff done. And I found the cutest little snake while weeding!!
DeKayās Brown Snakeā¦
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Checking in
Day 424
Thank you to everyone who showed me love and support yesterday. I wanted to individually respond to every comment but i truly dont have the energy right now to do that 
I effin love u guys though!!! What would i do without you all??!!
My husband and i did talk last night. We are alright but i still feel awful internally. Sort of like an emotional hangover, thats what it feels likes. I feel different as a person to be honest. Im kind of seeing myself in a different light. Im not sure if its a good thing but i do feel like its more real. Even though i didnt feel (at the time) like i was wearing a mask for those past 424 days (pretending like nothing bad has happened in my life), yesterdays blow up showed me what i am still capable of. And to me thats the reality of it. I probably was thinking in extremes when i said that i felt broken/damaged etc. Im not and i kmow this. But i do have some work to do. I havent reacted that way in probably at least 9 years! I have no other words about it.
Today i went grocery shopping for a few things. Picked up some items to make my husband his bday breakfast & supper on Saturday. I got him a couple gifts, an icecream cake, and then will do some decorating also. Just going to take it easy today i think.
Hope everyone is having a great day!
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Second Check in
Only day 2 of no Social media but my mind already relaxes. My hands are still ānervousā, I want to check something or do something when on the phone.
I had a good evening, the apartment is clean and I had a delicious dinner, even with pancakes because why not? I had time 
Now my head hits the pillow.
Good night fam 
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Day 43,
I love dating sober. First of all people respect me and my energy. They know I respect myself enough not to play with my life or my body. I donāt give off that desperate for love energy that people sense and run away from because I act, speak, and look like a man who loves himself. I donāt attract the abusive narcissistic guys who violate my boundaries and are themselves insecure.
Iām pulling some of the most attractive and interesting guys Iāve ever pulled like itās nothing. These are the people I thirsted over but I was never able to connect with because I was such an icy, rude b*tchānot to negatively judge that version of me. I had reasons to be like that and I appreciate the trials and tribulations that side of me got me through. It was the only way I could have survived but now that time of my life is over and I can thaw out a bit more.
All of this work Iām doing is paying off dividends and itās going to keep paying off. I feel so full, deep, and expansive.
Anyways the tall, handsome man I was talking about accepted my date and I will take him to my favorite cafe for a nice afternoon conversation. I think itās gonna rain that day so itās going to be extra cozy. And it looks like Iāll be scheduling several more dates. Iām spring chicken now 
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Day 96. Exhausted, anxious, worried. Iām heading to dinner shortly with my work team. I have mixed feelings about going. But I want to support my boss. Sheās struggling this week too.
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@Its_me_Stella sorry youāre struggling, congrats on getting yourself through it 
and congrats on 1200 days substance free 
@Catmama23 congrats on 50 days
@Butterflymoonwoman I can relate to feeling like never being who I wish I could be, because of the traumas Iāve experienced but Iām trying to learn to be happy with myself as I am, look how far weāve come, despite our histories! That was a low blow from your husband and people with cPTSD often ha e memory issues. I hope youāre feeling a sense of calm today
@Mno hoping youāve arrived safely in Berlin, enjoy it there 
@TTTL-Aedan welcome
@Rockstar24777 congrats on 34 months
@mewmcmew congrats on your positives good luck with the doctors and mechanics 
@ArtMama congrats on 50 days
@JenMar that is a cute snake 
congrats on your week
976 days no alcohol.
441 days no cocaine.
63 days no vape.
TW: binge-eating, disordered eating, food.
Didnāt buy crisps, didnāt even leave my home, but when my meal replacements were delivered at lunchtime, I binged 4 of the bars. Iāve binged another 7 this evening too. Althugh quite minor in caloric comparison to most of my binges, I have reset, simply because they were still binges, just like Iād reset after one alcoholic drink or one cigarette or vape. It was a risk buying the bars, I hadnāt ordered any for over a year because Iāve binged them before, so I didnāt buy many thankfully.
Otherwise, itās been another good day, waking with the sun, meditating, reading on here, doing both walks, watching an episode of You, and now relaxing in candlelight.
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51 days AF. Today is a bad day, my head is not screwed on right. Went to a new womenās AA meeting this morning. I love the in-person aspect and hearing the shades but it reminds me how alone I am here. You see I have no friends. Really, none. Maybe an old friend from high school and I text a handful of times a year. (Iām 39 years old.) most of my adult friendships were formed either through coworkers or clubbing, drinking buddies. Well I donāt do that anymore and Iāve been working from home since early 2020. Iāve also damaged a lot of past relationships and have moved around a lot. My spouse is my best friend in some ways but obviously that cannot be everything. So I go to these meetings and people share how when they started AA they got invited to coffee or the meeting after the meeting, etc. how does this happen?! After the meeting everyone gets into their small groups and chit chats. They all know each other so well and it feels impossible to meet people. I probably reek of depression plus Iām super introverted. So it was a mixed experience.
Then I got home and the usual work BS happened. I started getting into a frenzy again so I ran so hard and fast on the treadmill until I thought I would puke. Didnāt help one bit, Iām still stuck in this foul mood. I did have one tiny revelation today, because I was feeling like drinking again, but then I realized I wasnāt craving alcohol so much as I was craving oblivion. I think alcohol became my drug of choice simply for its ubiquity. I am addicted to escape - the feeling of being able to check out for a while, either through abnormal stimulation or complete numbness. Now when I get the way Iāve been today, I feel like Iām suffocating in my skin, like Iām trying to crawl out of my brain, Iām running out of air, Iām panicking. I want to feel release but there has been nothing giving me that today.
Going to watch some scary movie or something to try and at least distract myself. I AM going to another AA meeting tomorrow because Iām not going to give up even though I really, really want to.
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Girl im so sorry ur feeling off . But wow can i ever relate to ur post. When it came to meetings, i too remember that feeling of lonliness, even being in a room full of people. Some groups i found to be better than others. For example, some meetings very much had their āhighschoolā cliques and i remember feeling very alienated. Others were great for being so welcoming and invited people out wether they had an establoshed friendship with that person or not. Keep going to ur meetings and eventually it will click.
The other part of ur post about being addicted to escapingā¦ yupā¦ thats me too. I dont crave the drug anymore, its just wanting to find some sort of an escape from life or emotions or whatever it may be, that gets me. And i think thats why i see myself switching addictions. I dont use or drink anymore but ive used exercise to escape, my phone, food, etc. Its crazy how addictive behaviour can come in many forms in order to try and get that feeling of escape. I wish i had an answer for u, but im still trying to figure that out too. Maybe it comes down to acceptance? Acceptance of ourselves and where we are at? Idk anywayā¦ i hope ur day/night improves. Big hugs to u 
And alsoā¦ huge congratulations on 51 days sober!!
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Yeahā¦ Iāve been on and off this forum since early 2019. For years before that even, I knew my drinking and drug use to be out of control. Like everyone, I had ups and downs. Mostly downs. Iāve been to a lot of places. Mentally, emotionally and I also travelled a lot too. Butā¦ Iāve never been here with my sobriety. I guess sometimes miracles do happen. And even hot messes such as myself can get their shit together.
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Nope, thatās probably a very healthy thing for you to do for your mental health so you can take care of others. SM is not healthy. You can get a daily news brief and call it good.
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Well done!
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Congrats on 90 days clean and sober Amy. 
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Yay!!! Congratulations 
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Thank you, this is spot on!
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YES re: not all meetings being the same - this makes so much sense, and reinforces my desire to keep trying
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YES re: needing to watch out for other addictive behaviors that might creep inā¦ I feel this! I can sense certain obsessions and perfectionisms worsening in me alreadyā¦
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and ABSOLUTELY YES about acceptance (of myself and situations) being the key
so much if my emotional distress is brought on by ME through my expectations and need to have control. I have a lot of work to do here but Iāve started by recognizing when I have negative (abusive) inner dialogue about myself.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom 
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Congrats!!! Thatās some impressive sh*t right there!!!
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Didnāt think this would be so hard but you still get those feelings that go with any other addiction.
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Aw, Eric, thanks for asking! I can say I am a tad more positive with my outlook. Not 100% confident? But, more so.
Went on a lovely wildflower search with my lady-hikers today - nature sure can help a mood!
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Nice. And thanks for checking in.
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You are putting in the work. Maybe next ladies meeting share youd like to meet some of the ladies and would like to do coffee
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