Continuing here my writting. It’s some little thread for today, huh?
Anyways… I’m feel very anxious right now. I had exams in April to two schools I applied and exams were fine, I did them, but these two schools didn’t accept me. I don’t know why. I had enough points, teachers liked my art portfolio… My boyfriend already texted me that it’s now my fault, that it’s fault of czech system of education, that it failed for this year and a lot of people wasn’t accepted. I know this all, but my school where I study now is making me feel like a loser who wasn’t accepted to the school.
And it triggers my anxiety.
Man, I just wish right now to run away from here. Why schools so much suck? Eh.
Morning guys checking in. Been a busy couple days, so haven’t checked in. This thread can really get away from me, but will try and catch up with all of your progresses soon. The twins graduated HS last night so family came down from NJ and the boy came home from Carolina for it, so was nice to have everybody together. Took the day off work to hang out and him since he leaves on Wednesday, don’t see him as much as I like to anymore, but that’s what happens when the birds start leaving the nest.. The other two are both leaving for college in late August so it’ll just be me and the boo. God help us.. Still sober and still been going to my AA meetings though. Gotta find a sponsor soon but that’ll happen when it’s supposed to. Everything is so much easier to deal with sober though. Going back out really isn’t an option at this point. But still ODAAT. Love you guys.
I’m on a waiting list for CBT too. It worked quite well when I did it 5 yrs ago but they discharged me after the maximum 6 sessions (?) they’d find. So that let me slowly slip back.
This time I’m getting EMDR too. I’ll see how that works. If sounds a little bit crazy. But then, so am I….
This is so true. I’m working on it, but it is overwhelming. I know it can’t be done overnight, but that is what my addictive mind wants. As one of my counselors said: “one thing has to change and that’s everything”. There are a lot of things on my plate right now financially, change of work, therapy, working the steps for instance. My addictive past is haunting me, the way it changed my personality (could be a monster, my sponsor finds it sometimes hard to imagine it was me if I tell him something), now on step 4 as my sponsor says we look at it once more….and then you should feel more calm. Hope he’s right. My hope, faith and trust is there but still needs to growth……
My son is now with me, hanging on the couch together. That’s enough to calm me down. He leaves for his mother again this evening. It was the first relationship broken by my addiction. There were some more needed next to work relationships to let me see I am/was the problem. Have a lot of ifs….
Day 16 check in. Going to therapy this morning… feeling all my triggers so it’s necessary to keep myself accountable and sober. Sunny and hot where I live. Planning lazy beach days for the summer. Sending peace and love sober buddies
Day 13 looking forward to my one on one with my counselor today. Not exactly sure how im feeling, still confused and lost a little bit. So I have a really nice ipad it’s what I use for all my designs and stencils I posted it for sale just to see if anyone would buy it and somebody did offer me some money. Part of me wants to sell, living in the half way house I’m broke I get 100 bucks every two weeks which I manage pretty well. But still there are some other things I would like to get, I could use some new pants. Shorts, shoes. I need a haircut bad, I need deodorant and shampoo. My 100 usually goes towards snacks and my protein powder for working out, or food i can’t get here at the house. Are food stamps that we do get goes right to the house so I don’t get to see it. But yeah idk some extra money would be nice. But then I wouldn’t be able to do any tattoos really. Part of me is wondering if I care or not. I do like my iPad for many other things as well, so yeah idk what to do much love.
Imagine if you sold it. Would u have regreted it? I ask myself this question when i consider getting rid of something. If im going to miss it or need it, i dont get rid of it.
I hope your appt goes well today though
Man my kid is pushing my buttons today! I’m at my wits end right now. My summer is consumed by him and he is ungrateful for everything. We have a pool but he won’t go on unless i go in…i have his friends come over that annoy the hell out of me. But he’s my son and i want to him to have friends to play with. His attitude about doing anything other than playing video games is driving me crazy. He says to send him to an orphanage or to sell him… it makes me sad to hear things like that. Am i a bad parent because i want to go do physical activities with him outside??? I know I’m not but that’s how he makes me feel. I’m just super frustrated by all of it today. I’m setting new limits this summer for electronics. I wish we could go back to the time before all this shit took over.
You are not a bad parent! The fact that you ask that question I s evidence of that. Electronics are a beast but stay strong it is a worthy goal to get him less hooked. Sending strength. Parenting is the hardest job and sober even harder. You’ve got this
I work at a super center store full time
They sell food, clothes and other equipment and things
I’ve already been there a full week
I have today and tomorrow off
I think I have learnt something today. Don’t be surprised that people are surprised when you do stuff which is completely normal in your country but not in the country where you are currently working.
Then, and this is really an ongoing project where I discover pieces bit by bit to make a whole picture: don’t take things personally. Most most most things have absolutely nothing to do with myself. Thinking that they have is like drinking because someone behaved badly towards me. Nothing to do with me really. And I also realised again, the most important thing here is my personal sobriety. I have to protect it at all costs. It’s not in danger. But I have to keep in balance and this means also: I cannot help people really. This makes me sad. But it is not at all because of me.
Otherwise, I really am missing people I can discuss my point of view sometimes.
I was at work today, hoping that my flu won’t go down the throat. Little bastard.
And I realize that I am wrong thinking it has to be really bad to see that there was a problem. This was my story. Money. Health (at this point) couldn’t convince me. Not for longer then some days.
That’s it Rob. I’m working on it too. And changing everything actually is taking me years. Most of the time it seems it’s getting me nowhere, all this work. But sometimes something special happens and I find the time and the clear eye to see what I actually achieved and it is pretty huge by now. Of course stuff happens totally differently as I imagined. I’m still the same Menno. But I’m a different person too from 4 years ago. And I will change more, for the better, I am sure, just as I long as I keep working my shit. You keep working yours friend. One day at a time. Change will come. Solid promise.
Checking in…
1255 days substance free
755 days self-injury free
391 days sugar-free
I am feeling some pride, I didnt know it until I thought about checking in and said to myself. “How do you feel about yourself today?”
Yeah, I am proud. But that feeling is sitting pretty far from the surface. The feeling of pride is easily over powered by feelings of fear, anticipation and overwhelm. I remember the days very clearly when I didnt have access to the deeper parts of me. When all I could reach was that top layer, and all my days were run by fear. You know, Im not doing anything major that I should be proud of, I am just doing it . Doing it everyday, over and over again. That takes a tremendous amount of courage and strength. No matter what my days actually look like, I am waking up again the next morning willing to try again. Trying to do better than before…
I could be choosing to sit in a big old puddle of memories that smell like shit right now. Therapy and step work have given me a key to pandoras box. I have not chosen to do this work so that I can suffer more though. I am doing this hard stuff so that it doesnt keep ruining my life. Things that have happened to me in the past are there, in my past. They cant hurt me anymore, they can only give me information so that I can learn the ins and outs of my wounded brain. They can help me show up for myself in ways I didnt know I needed to.
One of the most important things I have learned in recovery is not to go around attatching my emotions to everything. I am powerless over the past, all I can do is take care of myself today. Today, the most important day in my life.
Probably will take the rest of my life one step at a time. It’s a journey, I sometimes forget that. Sometimes I have the feeling that I reached nothing @899 days Sober. But that’s a lie. I made certain steps scary ones, but I’m making them at last. Facing the things sober still feels awkward….but in the light of my active use I’m still a toddler in recovery or discovery as you call it……
@Wakikki have a read about CFS/ME (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/Myalgic Encephalomyelitis and Fibromyalgia, your symptoms when you describe them do sound like mine and I have these diagnosis, it isn’t anything that shows up in tests, but if you think your symptoms match, you could discuss with your doctor. @JazzyS hoping your results will lead to better management of your symptoms 🩵 @RosaCanDo Ouch, sorry about the bites I hope your doctor can find something to help, maybe a prescription anti-histamine. @Bomdhil feel better soon 🩵 @mewmcmew sending strength 🩵
1030 days no alcohol.
495 days no cocaine.
10 days no vape.
8 days no binge-eating.
Another dull day here, but my mood is better, even despite the appointment this morning. Which wasn’t as bad as I was expecting, we mainly discussed my current symptoms in quite a detailed way, the severe anxiety, flashbacks, dissociation, nightmares, voices. What triggers them, how I currently cope. She spoke about how trauma narrowd the window of tolerance, so that anything outside of that triggers the threat mode, which activates my detailed analysis and sense of nuances of peoples facial expressions, body language, etc, and the voice that tells me what people are thinking of me, and the one that tells me to freeze/fawn/hide. It made sense to me. She said the short-term intervention she feels would be suitable for me would be their 8 week understanding and coping with trauma therapy. She also mentioned a hearing voices therapy but I was dissociating during that part and can’t remember what she said, so I will ask about whether it’s possible to do both, when she calls me on Thursday.
I feel quite positive about having things in place that will potentially help me. I feel supported. I am also relieved that the initial appointments are over.
. The other two are both leaving for college in late August so it’ll just be me and the boo. God help us.
. Still sober and still been going to my AA meetings though. Gotta find a sponsor soon but that’ll happen when it’s supposed to. Everything is so much easier to deal with sober though. Going back out really isn’t an option at this point. But still ODAAT. Love you guys. 
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