I don’t know that I have any advice because you seem to know everything in your head, it’s just putting it into practice. I’m glad you’re not falling into shame or anger, just keeping humble and looking at what happened and what you can learn. Sending strength and wisdom 
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Checking in sober. I’m not really looking at my counter, since I reset a couple times. I only drank 4 days out of the last past 5 months. That feels like more progress than the current 12 day streak. Lots of things swirling around in my mind. Trying to figure things out.
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HOW COOL is that… Lovely foundation my friend. 
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113 days sober today. I am thankful for another day. I am thankful for this community.
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Days
234 substance free
151 self harm free
Today, well last night, I started noticing weakness on my left side. Leg, arm, and ache in my neck and lower rib cage area. I know this means another set of symptoms are on their way. I am trying to prepare myself. I have lidocaine patches and cream. I am out of the liquid lidocaine from the hospital. I will not use substances to self medicate. I know that usually the pain is only a few days to a week. And then it’ll be ok. Or mostly back to normal. I will either be on here a lot more to distract myself or less to sleep more. Those are the two best ways for me to deal with it medication free.
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I’m so sorry love - Has this happened before? Have you checked this out? Can you ask your doctor for a new prescription of the lidocaine?
I do hope that you are able to get through this with minimal pain. Always here to help you with the distractions. Be well my friend. 
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day 456 of no self harm
sometimes breathing just feels wrong. like every breath I take is a mistake. there’s no reason for this feeling. sometimes I just get hit with overwhelming grief. grief for the person my younger self dreamed off. i don’t know how my younger self had the capability to hope. how did she still have the desire to live? even in my worst moments I dreamt of my future self. everytime I tried to die, I told myself if I survived this at least there was future me. if I survive this maybe I can finally become someone who doesn’t feel like this. who doesn’t ache to be gone. what happened that crushed all my hope. sure I have things I want to do in life. but they feel laughable. like a fantasy. it is no longer a dream, it’s just wishful thinking. when i think of who I want to be I’m still aware that I will likely still want to die even if I reach my dreams. my dreams have become so simple. i used to have elaborate plans for myself. now my biggest dream is just to move out. what happened. how did a kid so broken manage to have dreams and now with all of the coping skills I learned I have none. i guess I realized how fucked up I actually was. i realized how terrible my surroundings were. i realized I wasn’t a fighter. maybe I used to be but you can only do that for so long. you can only lie to yourself for so long
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I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Intense grief is exhausting. It’s ok if our dreams change or if we can’t accomplish everything we want to. You’re already a warrior and you’re tough. That said, I hope you can find ways to soothe your mind and body because you deserve peace.
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Sweet Mega are a fighter – I’ve only known you a short time and I can see this in you. It’s just that you’ve had to fight so much that you are simply exhausted. Your mind is really working overtime on you and trying to crush your hopes/ dreams. You are 21 my love - you have so much to live for and so many future you’s to meet. Don’t ever give up on dreaming. Small dreams are still dreams.
YOU ARE NOT FUCKED UP!! I do hope you are able to change your terrible surroundings soon.
Hows your healing going from the surgery? Are you able to move around some more. All the pain you were in leading up to the surgery and now the staying in one place and being isolated and unable to do much movement - this all can take such a toll.
Are you able to do face time chats with your friends?
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i was able to go grocery shopping with my mom and see my grandpa today but it was way too much walking and now I’m in a bit of pain. i don’t really do video calls with my friends but we talk on the phone
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Oh good that you are moving about. It will take some time to regain your strength. Sorry that you are in pain. Hopefully you will be fully recovered from your surgery soon.
I just want you to know that you are a fighter, you are beautiful and deserve to dream and get to know the future you.
Glad you are talking with your friends - now that you are starting to get a bit better - can you friends come over to hang out and keep you company?
Are you able to talk to a professional to help you deal with these feelings.
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I’m not allowed to have anyone over, and my only friends live far away and the one near me I’ve never met in person because they’re just so busy and have their own family issues in their house. and neither of us can drive. i have therapy on the 12th
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my goodness love - i’m sorry to hear that. Keep chatting with your friends, keep checking in here (welcome to pm me if you need to chat)
Youve got to regain your strength after the surgery (don’t over do it too quickly so that you can heal properly). You have to work on your mental and physical pain…
Are you able to join any online zoom meetings to help get some support (you don’t need to turn on your camera or even talk if you don’t want to until you feel comfortable).
I am glad that you will be seeing someone on the 12th. I do hope that does help you.
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I’ve never thought about zoom. I’ll look into some. thank you
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You are most welcome love
Hot lines in Colorado
Zoom meetings
Self harm online forums
Just a few i found…i do hope they help! Maybe others may have other suggestions.
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1454
Have as good a day as you all can friends. Sober and clean. Love.
One more early shift. I don’t really feel it right now. But I’ll make it. Of course. I’m not bad just not very rested. I’m sober and clean. ODAAT and all that. X
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1,340 Days of Recovery
Feeling extra depressed today.
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Glad you’re here Alex. Keep connected. Good days and depressed ones. We’re in this together.
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I’m glad I’m here too. 
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