Man that’s got to be rough for her and you. 
You do have your hands full…just know we are here for you and think you are doing an amazing job.
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Checking in , day 65. Enjoying a south breeze on my screen porch with my two kitties and a cup of decaf. Fall is here, won’t be many more sunny porch days. Have a happy Friday, all!
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Grandparents day was a success! Here is my daughter with her step grandpa. Casseroles turned out great too! Pumpkin French toast and cinnamon roll casserole. Thank goodness for Pinterest! Thank you all, love you guys! Thank you @RosaCanDo you were a huge part of my journey too 
and @JazzyS Have a good one all!
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Sounds wonderful, all of it! And isn’t she just cute as a button! 
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60 days today!!!
Wish I was feeling a bit more up. Feeling a bit sad today.
Facts: I was up for hour with son in the night so a bit tired. Didnt eat this morning which is not smart. I had downloaded Instagram again for a purpose, but then was cruising again and while it started out fun…it spiraled into reading peoples angry/snappy banter and I just…i cannot. I have gone my whole life withput it and need to not.
Had a great date night with my new mpm friend. We have a lot of stuff in common, especially around childhpod/growing up and its nice to connect with someone on a meaningful level…BUT its also heavy stuff to talk about and opening myself to being vulnerable.
Also had a very emotipnal convo with supervisor at child services yesterday. She spoke of speaking with the father, and I just was crying. Id like to speak with him. I think of how I will face him in court, and fpr reasons I cannot explain its just how I feel I have to acknowledge the fact that I do hate him. I cannot forgive him for the life he took, but I do not hate him. I have not decided how I feel about that, but I know its a very very HEAVY fucking door.
I also had a dream last night and my ex was there, and so thats uncomfortable LOL and there was beer and I had one and then in my dream I was like no I dont want that. Which is different bc usually in dreams where I drink it just happens and I wake up like WHOA.
I was really wanting to make tinctures and then decided I am gping to wait and when I do explore it I will have my husband do the purchasing and adding to my tincture mixes. Vodka and hard alcohol was never my thing, but too fresh still. Feeling vulnerable today, and while I dont feel like a drink the fact that the drink stuff is present in my brain is jusy a remonded. Keep coming here. Going to make curry chicken for the kids tonight, hubby is working a job and will be home late. Have a good 24 everyone xo
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Morning Check In
Day 579
So i had a tearful moment this morning with my son and honestly i was wondering when this situation was going to come up. So today, my sons school is doing the Terry Fox Run and they are walking to a nearby track to walk/run for an hour. Well my son was very tearful this morning saying that he cant walk well or run like other kids. That he has to use a wheelchair… that hes too “sick” to walk (meaning he has cancer and cant walk well bcuz of his tumor). It broke my heart. All i could do was hug him and hold him and encourage him to be the best he can be. That we will continue to work on his walking so he gets stronger each day. But i told him that he is perfect the way he is and that there are all kinds of people in this world, some that walk, some that use walkers, and some that use wheelchairs and that there is nothing wrong with that. I comforted him and then he got on the bus for school.
I went and grabbed a coffee and then came home. Laid down and started to cry bcuz of the hurt i feel for my son. I spoke to my husband about chatting with our son later about his condition so that he fully understands why he cant eat like others, why he has a tracheostomy, and why he uses a wheelchair and a walker. I truly dont know how much he understands of it all bcuz he was sooo young when he got diagnosed. He has grown up this way. And being at this new community school (as opposed to a medical school where there are many others in chairs etc), i think this is bringing forth questions about why he looks and acts different. He sees other kids play and run and walk and do things that maybe he cant just yet. So i think this is a good time to chat with him and to encourage him and see what we can do to bring more inclusion into his life.
I am sad for my son and angry that he has had to go thru everything he has had to in his short 7 years of life. But im grateful that he is as healthy as he is considering all of this. Im grateful to be clean and sober. Grateful to be present and in the moment to help my son when hes feeling down. Juat really needed to connect with others today. Im feeling very alone and emotional. Thanks for letting me share 
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Congratulations on ur 60 days!!! Great work 
Hope ur able to rest a bit and find a way to lift ur spirits 
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Amazing, that year mark is so sweet 
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That must be so hard to ask take in and deal with everyday. Bravo to you for keeping it all together and being such an amazing parent. 
I think there’s a small ask of your son’s school here on inclusion. Why can’t you son completely participate in his wheelchair with help if needed? I don’t understand them not offering equity in this arranged run?
It’s the job of everyone in the world to make life as accessible to all.
Good luck to you, be proud of all you do and the strength of your son.
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I am sorry, that must be so difficult. I am sorry for your loss, hope you have found some peace today.
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Lots of hugs for you
When my daughter started to ask me questions about her conditions I was so sad, I didn’t know how to answer her, not wanting to answer and make it seem like her conditions are problems and maybe make her depressed.
I got in contact with a psychologist (maybe he has one in school ?) And I asked her how can I explain and answer my daughters questions without making her feel different.
It was a long time ago… but I just remembered her telling me that if she is asking she is ready for the answers.
Maybe you could get some support from someone who can help you and support you both to answer his questions.
Is he still participating? Maybe you can see if he can choose who can push him ? Or he use his bike ?
I know this is such a hard thing when your child start to become self aware and it makes them feeling different.
You have done well by explaining that everyone is different. Sending you lots of love Dana X
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Thank you so much for ur post. I appreciate it 
The school has been very inclusive thankfully and very inclusive for the race from what I was told by my son once he got home. So that made me happy. He was able to participate and do laps in his chair (he actually did 6 whole laps 
), but i think the issue is that my son is sort of at the stage where hes wondering why he cant run or walk like other kids. He knows he needs a wheelchair and he knows he is “different” to an extent. But hes finding it hard not to be able to do the same things as other kids. Im trying to remind him of the similarities between him and other kids and encourage the things he CAN do. He just got home from school and he was really excited to tell me about his day. They even had teams so he was on a team and there whole team did like 256 laps around the track for the Terry Fox run. I really liked hearing that there were teams and not just individual kids racing
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That’s actually very heartwarming to hear. Good for him, he must have had so much fun 
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My heart is witj you. I dont have words, but I just wanted to say my heart aches for you and your boy. What a gift he has in you. Xo.
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Beautiful. Xo. It is challenging when your children have a different reality then their peers and they start to compare. I have no words of advice, it spunds loke you are doing all the do things to remind your son that he is lpved, as he is. So glad he had a good day xo.
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Today is day 10 for me.
Never a hard drinker. But a repeated frequent afternoon/ afterwork drinker who didnt like the slippery rock I was on.
Gets a little hard still around 3-4pm, brain still going…“dude, Evan Williams is on the phone, get the ice!” Not like last week thought! And having 10 days done already, nothing is making me bust that. Whats really helping is my new nutrition tracker I’ve been on for 4 days. Every calorie I put in my mouth goes on there. I did this about 9 years ago and dropped 8 pounds, so I can do it again to drop these 8. Bourbon, wine, and beer take up space in there where food should go! Having people on here talking about things helps too. Whether or not it was affecting my life with others, or my job, or my family (none of it was being affected)…I wasnt happy with it. I’m fortunate I got to skip all the stuff where people need to confront me or something bad happens, etc. I staged an intervention with myself I joke.
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Omg friend… ur post made me cry haha thank u for the prayers and its funny u said this:
Because that is what I was doing earlier and asking myself… if i were in his place, what would i need from my mom? Bcuz by doing this, it helped me to give what i can in such a way that is helpful and supportive and compassionate to him. He was upset and hurting and we were already running late for the bus. Not the best timing for all of this to be happening. But at that moment i didnt care about the bus, i knew they would understand. My main focus was on my child and the hurt hes feeling. My feelings at times were dismissed growing up and told myself i would never dismiss my childs feelings or tell him to stop crying or anything of the sort. Instead i tell him that tears are healing and that his feelings are valid.
Thank u for also validating my feelings Bill. I appreciate that alot. And i do also appreciate that story bcuz ur absolutely right about resiliency and how growth can come from tragic situations. My son has gifts and i truly do believe he will move mountains. Thank you Bill
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Thank you for ur beautiful words. I really appreciate them its nice to feel supported and loved on here. Thank you
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Day 244.
Honestly, I don’t even know what on Earth I’m moaning about but I’m seriously not ok.
Since getting here, it’s been pretty much relentless. Being here by itself is hard because the ghosts and the flashbacks and all that fun stuff.
Then there’s the never ending beaurocratic nightmare.
Then there’s the work. I really shouldn’t moan about having work, I love my work, but at the moment it’s pouring and I’m overwhelmed.
And then there’s my mom. I love her. I really do. And she’s lovely. And I don’t want to hurt her feelings BUT she’s driving me up the fucking wall.
I see her every. single. day. There are good morning texts. Why? What’s the point of a good morning text of you’re gonna see me later anyway? And there are the evening ‘hello texts’. It’s… overwhelming. I feel like I need space. I need to breathe. And she’s not giving me that. I feel smothered.
And I feel guilty for feeling smothered. What kind of monster gets angry at a loved one for loving them?
It’s all so fucked. I’m fucked.
And the worst part is, I don’t know how to approach this.
I secretly cry while pretending to be ok.
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Well, that sounds suffocating to me. I sometimes have the same feelings with my mother. And immediately there is guilt creeping up inside of me. I shouldn’t think that. She only wants the best for me.
Then something I heard in therapy many years ago came in my mind. What is the right distance in a relationship? Imagine having someone right in front of your nose? You cannot see that person, just maybe the eyes. Then there is the other extreme: too far away so you cannot see each other anymore. And in between there are distances where you can see each other clearly without being too close or too far apart. And this good distance can change. That’s what I feel. And I know it’s hard for my mother sometimes. But I have to learn what’s good for me. And ultimately when I don’t keep a certain distance, a healthy one for me, I will get mean and avoid her contact all together.
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