@Butterflymoonwoman I wonder if this feeling disconnected, or not knowing where we fit in, is a general human trait? I have certainly been wondering “what is the point of my life” recently. I also wonder, we will never ‘fix’ it and understand everything, we will always be searching and worrying? The rub is, as addicts when we feel these big existential questions, we just want to escape. We have to juggle struggling with our life’s meaning, as well as keeping the addicts voice at bay.
@Marlowe Oh man . It seems it happens a lot; survive the ‘big test’ and then trip up after. Pick yourself up, and keep working your recovery.
@Mindofsobermike I know it sucks to hear that. Don’t let anger turn into withdrawal. We all care about you and want to support you. And we all are just one bad decision away from being the one being told that ourselves.
@Amy30@Juli1 Families can be so very tough. Sending strength.
The only thing off my list I didn’t complete today was to “Make an effort to go outside everyday”… Which is a shame really because it’s been a beautiful day all day! Ah well, at least all my windows, curtains and French doors were open. Glad the storm has passed over aswell. Im still feeling alright, bizarrely after my hospital visit the other night. I didn’t think I’d be over it so quickly but I suppose I still have some youth left. Im trying to find closure from someone who recently came into my life that I drove away - My gut feeling is that if that person hadn’t come into my world, I wouldn’t have made the mistakes I made and wouldn’t have realised it was time to make the decision to get back on the right path again. Im trying to be grateful for them, drawing a line under the sand and letting go and I’m nearly there - I’ve got a meeting tomorrow so I’m wondering if anything will be said then that will aid with that. I just miss talking with them really.
My apartment is sparkling clean! I finished a booked called “Living sober” which is a guide to AA and it was really well put together, I’d recommend it to anyone. All my clothes are clean, I’ve had some fulfilling conversations with family and a good 3 hour catch up with my friend Claire - Banging the world to rights with a good friend is always good fun!
All in all a pretty productive day. Tomorrow is already planned out. The one thing that’s really annoying me at the moment is my fire alarm keeps chirping and Im not allowed to change the battery in it; it has to be done by an electrician because it’s hooked up to the mains. Goddammit!!
I deactivated my Facebook account today. I never noticed just how much time I spent scrolling aimlessly over a bunch of sponsored bullshit. Does anyone ever post on there anymore? In any case, it should free up some time for more productive things than looking at Facebook… (like watching dog turd turn white!)
It’s so bizarre to think that I’ve done more work on my sobriety in 3 days than I did in all 539 days previously sober… so bizarre.
Whoa Nelly am I a grumpy Muppet today!
I even had a nap hoping to wake up on the right side of the bed … but Nope!
Normally when this happens I head to the liquor store!
I didn’t and I won’t but after 3 weeks of sobriety this was my first urge and added to my already pissy mood!
My husband is understanding but should t have to deal with my crap.
Nothing is sitting right with me right now.
Im gonna watch a scary movie and put myself to bed! Grrrrrrr
Hope ya’ll had a better day than me.
I know tomorrow will be better
Im so sorry youre experiencing this with family Amy. I know these feelings, though of course not the same I do hear just how diffixult that was witnessing that interaction. It mist be hard also living so close, and I hope youre able to find your balance with your family and peace wifhin yourself. I am searching for it also. Family can be hard af. Lol I meant hard as fuck not hard alcohol free but then maybe bpth apply
Soooo my thumb nails snapped off and its easier to type! I have them so i can put them back on later LOL i am not used to wearing them and being gentle lol so i just be snapping them off left right and center.
Been a really great time here. I can tell my bestie isnt feeling all that great, and shes a bit on edge and stuff but hey. That. Is. Okay. I feel I am in some ways, not everyday but learning a bit more about letting people just be them and either not taking it personal or letting it effect my mood. Sometimes we just in a mood lol.
Going to close up the cottage and hit bed early. Tomorrows going to be cleaning up, and getting ready to head home. Have a bunch of little things to give the kids when I get home which is super fun. Hit a thift store and found some needed cloths for the colder months which they always love getting new cloths and a little lamb for my son (he loves his sisters “lamb lamb” and lets just say maybes it caused a fight or two lol), lunch boxes for them both and I put together a bead kit for my daughter. Cant wait to see them and hubby.
Have a therapy session in a few days, and Ive been thinking about my last talk with my therapist where to me it sounded like she took a position on the fight for custody of my nephew. To me it sounded like her position was that I keep fightingbwhen I know there is no other option, and that I dont yet know I cant trust CPS (i do know this through my year and a half long experience with them, and even just the fact that no I do not trust others witg the life of my nephew…to me this makes sense). Anyway, it has been on my mind as I took her position and chewed on it, but I want to talk about it. Becahse what has been painful and lonely about this journey is the lack of support my mom and I have around us, and I need to put that out there. How I am feeling.
Grateful to be sober. Working my way to that hundred day mark, and then just to keep going. Xo.
It’s truly awesome! I couldn’t have gotten this far without The Almighty. Yes it’s true!
Had a wonderful weekend. Went down to San Antonio to visit my sister, her husband, and my 3 nephews. Played lots of games, had movie night outside on their big projector screen, lots of laughs and staying up late. Blessed to have gone. Back to work early in the morning. So Blessed for that as well!
Hope all is having a good night. Sweet dreams and sleep well my friends. God loves you!
Thanks you @lorelai, @JazzyS & @Hidden for your supportive comments. Seriously guys they do mean SO MUCH. Not that I am doing any of this for people to say these things, but I realize how infrequent it js that people tell me this stuff irl. When someone does say stuff like that to me irl, its so infrequent that I almost breaj down like holy shit thank you I didnt even realize those comments or sentiments were missing in my soul and heart until someone said it out loud and then I was just like…reflectinf on how the support has bene so minimal, and people dont understand what we’re going through or why we’re fighting. I dont know what the hell people think, and I know it doesnt really matter…but its hard bsing in our position and not feeling that love and support and validation, and if anything it has caused so much tension and friction particularly with famiky members. Particularly with people who were not as close to my sister as my mom and I were - it was ALWAYS US 3, the 3 girls. And we’re missing one now, the corner of our triangle and its just so nice to hear supportive words. I am actually crying right now as I type this. Thank you.
@rob11 grateful that you spoke it out with your sponsor and that was helpful. Weird what our minds hold onto and how they can relate dates to experiences. You have come a long way Rob and are doing so well – you should write down all the progress you have made since then as a reminder on the hard days. Grateful for your progress – hoping tomorrow is an awesome day for you. @looking4support I totally get it about working new unchartered territories. You are doing amazingly well. Grateful you are not isolating – our connections are so important during our recovery. Grateful you are here with us on this journey. @HakeemOsman How are you doing Hakeem – been a minute since I’ve seen you around. @mindofsobermike You are a part of our sober family Mike. We love you and want to see you thrive. I am so sorry that this beast has its hands on you so tightly right now. I do know you have the strength to fight. Go to meetings, go to recovery groups, see your sponsor and sober friends. Dig deep into your tool box. Work out at the gym – sweat the demon out. Stay connected here with us – we only want what’s best for you and going into isolation mode is not healthy. Much love to you my friend – you have the fight in you @julialuna I am so sorry that you are sad tonight – do you want to talk about it? I am grateful that you will not drink tonight – stay strong my friend @amy30 its got to be rough witnessing that verbal exchange knowing you never had it growing up or will have it as an adult. I don’t know why some people are so different to immediate family – the indifference makes them seem fake when they are around others. I do hope you know that you are loved and cared for. @butterflymoonwoman Grateful that you were able to do the online sermon and also super grateful that you were able to talk with your hubby. Your hubby is your best friend and its good to be open about your struggles IMO – not that you have to rely on him to stay sober but to share your day to day with someone (even the urges). I am grateful that he is doing so well and I do think that you should see yourself wielding the same strength.
You ok Flo? Just reaching out in case you needed a shoulder. I do hope you are doing well. @dresdenlapage Oh man I do hope they come to change up the battery for you soon – that sound drives me insane. Great job on deactivating Facebook – I do find social media to be a brain suck – so much more to life. Congrats on 3 days and getting so much work done on your sobriety!
Welp. It was a typical Sunday. Last night my boss had us set up a table for 12 for lunch today. Excited I was going to actually make money on a Sunday. The time came and went so she checked on it and they had emailed her on Friday canceling. How are there emails left unchecked for 2 days?! This kinda shit happens almost on the daily So with nothing to do I took it upon myself to clean all 70 leather chairs and barstools in the dining room. They needed it. Some looked like your grandpas Lazyboy that he’s sat in for 20 years, shedding skin and oil onto it until there’s stains. Gross. Yet satisfying.
The bartender was sick, but still worked, and a few hours after work a group text went out to let us know she tested positive for covid. Yay! I’m not too worried. I’ve had it 4 times already. I’ve had to of built some kind of immunity by now.
I did some cleaning and then took the annoying hour drive to pick up my daughter. It’s annoying bc I don’t drive a ton outside my city. I don’t have a need to. It’s putting a lot of extra unnecessary miles on my car. Not to mention gas. I still haven’t received a child support payment since my ex switched jobs 2 months ago. Idk how this is going to go in the winter. Driving in the dark on snow covered country roads is not my idea of a good time. Last year he had a friend that drove him around but it appears he may have burned that bridge. Not surprising. I want her to see her father but he needs to pick up the slack again. Alright…that’s over.
Still feeling pretty good, aside from my neck and back. Typical as it’s been a month since the chiropractor and I have an appointment tomorrow. Just in time. Think I’m gonna make something to eat and get back to my spooky shows. Finally made it to my weekend
@noshame So glad you were celebrated today at work and at home – grateful you did not drink or smoke to enjoy your day. Great numbers! @chuckie22 damn the shitty mood days! Grateful that you did not act on the urges and so grateful you have good support at home. Hope you enjoyed the movie and an early nights sleep helps. Tomorrow is a brighter day my friend. Bad days happen but we don’t let them define us or have power over our sobriety – you rocked it today – be proud! @mira_d I am sorry you are not met with more compassion and understanding in real life. You are a lovely person and are dealing with a ton of crap and you are handling it remarkably well. I just want to hug and comfort you my friend. Much love to you and your family.
Checking in on Sunday evening
It was an awesome day for me of doing nothing LOL. Watched a ton of horror movies - a few were well done but seems i am still in search for a good scare.
Hope you all had a wonderful addiction free day - sending you all much love
Hey hey @JazzyS still rocking and rolling on the sober train. 51 days strong. Just been a bit focused with school and work. Thank you for checking on me! 60days approaching quickly!
WOOT WOOT 51 days is awesome my friend! Totally get being busy with life stuff - Great to see you thriving and looking forward to celebrating your 60 day milestone!
Coffee. Back to work this morning. That’s OK. I’m OK. I feel up to it today. No anxiety, no cravings to numb or escape. Let’s do this. Sober and clean. Have as good a day as you all can friends. Love from my hood.
@Butterflymoonwoman Big hugs Dana. One definition of recovery is building ourselves a life we don’t feel the need to escape from. Take care of yourself friend @Amy30 Dads who aren’t dads… (Don’t) tell me about it. Some unfinished business in my head while he’s been gone for 9 years. I’m sorry. @JuliaLuna Hope you’re OK Julia. Good days and bad ones, drinking helps with nothing. It’s all lies. Keep going x @Noshame Just in time to say happy birthday!
Not a great day even though I slept a little better. Lazy morning, coffee and toast then laid on my bed watching some tv.
For the last little over a year I’ve been getting these dizzy spells. Most only last for 15 minutes, but a few have been pretty intense. To be honest I thought that my drinking so much was causing them even though most of the time they occurred was when I wasn’t drinking.
This morning while laying on my bed one of my dizzy spells hit hard. Instant feeling of spinning and uneasiness. This one didn’t stop though. After about an hour I began to feel nauseous, eventually throwing up. Laid back down but it wouldn’t stop. Finally went to InstaCare to be checked out by a doctor. They checked all my vitals and ran blood work, everything looked great. I’m pretty much deaf in my left ear due to a friend shooting a shotgun right next to my ear while we were dove hunting in my late 20’s. Doctor thinks this caused more damage causing the crystals in my ear to be out of balance.
He referred me to a specialist, of course, but gave me some medicine for the dizziness and some head exercises that are suppose to help balance the crystals in your ear. Took the medicine and did the exercises and it helped somewhat, but never felt great the rest of the day.
Going to get some sleep, repeat that process in the morning, and see how it goes. Hoping it helps because being that dizzy is pretty incapacitating.
I’ve had long lasting dizzy spells a few different times. It is definitely no fun I was thinking as I read that it sounds like vertigo. Makes sense with your ear injury. My father had it and could do nothing but sleep. Hope it clears up for you soon
. It seems it happens a lot; survive the ‘big test’ and then trip up after. Pick yourself up, and keep working your recovery.
So with nothing to do I took it upon myself to clean all 70 leather chairs and barstools in the dining room. They needed it. Some looked like your grandpas Lazyboy that he’s sat in for 20 years, shedding skin and oil onto it until there’s stains. Gross. Yet satisfying.
I was thinking as I read that it sounds like vertigo. Makes sense with your ear injury. My father had it and could do nothing but sleep. Hope it clears up for you soon 