Thank you for being here
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Of course my friend. We got your back. Hope you are able to get some shut eye soon.
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1600
Slept longer and better. Happy with that as I feel Iām on the brink of a major depressive episode and if thereās one thing I need to fight that itās good sleep. While at the same time lack of it is a typical symptom of depression.
Which always is the paradox with these f*cking depressions. The remedies are the things that are hardest to do. Exercise. Go out. Hike and bike. Prepare good food and eat it at regular times. Do house chores. Read. Do cultural stuff. Do whatever gets my clock ticking. And enjoy it goddamned! EDIT: Forgot to mention socializing. Of course. Hardest thing to do for me.
Both my individual therapist and my GP are on holidays right now so thatās not so great. On the other hand I really donāt like or want medication. While the last time sertralin wasnāt that bad TBH. Will see how my mood develops in the coming two weeks or so.
Itās the first time I get to experience it like this. Experience the full range of feelings and emotions and how to deal with them, using the tools iāve learned since I became sober. No numbing. No cravings. I know exactly where using would lead me and Iām not going here. When I die I die but it will not be because of my stupid addicted mind.
I really dreaded having to work yesterday. But it turned out work is good for me. Talked to my manager about how Iām feeling. Work gave me some purpose. Occupational therapy for me. Thank god I feel pretty safe in my job and by and large I know what Iām doing. One late shift tonight, two days off after.
Letās keep active yes. Like yesterday after work I went into town where I bought a fountain pen, some 40 years after I broke my last one, same brand, same look. Made me happy. As the autumn colours around made me glad too. One day at a time. Sober and clean. Have as good a day as you can friends. Love from Amsterdam.
@Mindofsobermike You need your sober mind Mike. This path is taking you down. I know you know it but I still need to say it. You can do it. With 100% commitment. All in. No holding back. No secret escapes and back doors. Never again. ODAAT. And never crave alone. Much love friend.
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I will make it to group tomorrow and do what my counselor says. I felt so much remorse but honestly I didnāt really try to stop anything. I have told so many friends and family about my relaps, I do want to stop. This morning when I went home I kept shaking unctrolably, I donāt even remember falling asleep, just waking up. Iāve had so much unprotected sex these last couple days I really do feel disgusting.
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I am glad you are here, but I think you really need to get back into some kind of F2F help now or as it is probably a weird time of the day now, asap. You know the slippery slope, and you are sliding right now. The more recently you have taken something, the easier it is to say āfuck itā and just take some more. You deserve better than this, and need to put the brakes on now. You have it in you, I believe it. 
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Thank u. I think the clocks changing will help
I am tending to wake up naturally at 7.40 then i start work at 8. So next week should feel easier.
I think in part we are planning for Christmas and i know my kids arenāt interested in meeting up, which just really saddens me. But all good. Found a fabulous playlist on Spotify Spotify for anyone interested in some glorious classical music.
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Wow, 1600 days. Congratulations 
It sounds like we are having similar thoughts recently. It is exhausting trying to motivate yourself to ābe goodā and get ahead of the depression. I really hope you find some peace today 
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Thank you @JazzyS and @Soberbilly
You are both so right. I really like the idea of sitting with the thoughts and allowing them to flow. I did that yesterday and it was uncomfortable, but I am feeling better today. Seem to be processing stuff from decades ago, but at least I am.
Thank you both 
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Checking in for 360.
Another day at the office, then off to the stadium to see my team play tonight.
Have a great Wednesday you guys 
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So close to a year!! Who is your team?
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Checking in, Day 41.
Got over the cravings yesterday and feeling positive today. We are all off today so should be a nice day. Then back into work tomorrow. I am actually looking forward to it. Beginning to realise I am no good left on my own, think I did know that on some level as had requested full time hours. Would always rather be working at maximum level, but then with room for naps. I confuse myself! Now I just need to learn how to deal with the tiredness that comes with that without wine.
Hope everyone has a good day
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I have 615 days of a life free from alcohol today. My life before sobriety was chaotic and unmanageable. My life sober is 1,000 times better. I still have some low days and I still have some anxious days but I am learning to cope with those in a healthier way.
Iāve struggled with mood swings since I was a child always trending more to the depressive side. The negative refrain that goes through my head when Iām feeling down is āwhatās wrong with youā in a harsh parental voice. 
Thats how I can tell it will be a rough day.
Lately I am trying to flip that. I am trying to convince myself that there is nothing wrong with me. Anxiety just is and low moods happen. Feelings are valid and can change rapidly. Iām trying daily affirmations which feel silly but also helpful and more importantly I am challenging the āwhats wrong with youā refrain.
@KarenKW I wish I could give you a big hug. Your depression is lying to you, alcohol wonāt help.
@Mindofsobermike come back to us. Donāt let this episode implode your life. I dropped out of school multiple times (I think 6 total) and they were all addiction related. Pivot. Make that change. Go to where you want to be.
To anyone who is struggling I offer you grace for yourself. We are all imperfect beings trying our best and we are all in this together. But fight. Donāt give up. Much love to all of you. Thanks, as always, for this space. And for all yāall. š©·
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These are the ones Iāve been prescribed too, and Iām on day 36 and theyāre definitely helping. I hope they help you too.
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Checking in on day 143 AF.
My mood is quite good this morning. Itās a damp and cold day outside but I got the kids up and out for school, lay on my acupressure mat for a while then had my shower and got dressed. I even put a little makeup on. Iām back in my bedroom staying cosy with a hot water bottle on my feet and catching up on this thread. I have a yoga class at lunchtime.
It makes such a difference to not feel nausea and anxiety in the mornings. I think I have the Escitalopram to thank for that.
Wishing everyone an addiction free day.
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Day 389 alcohol free
Day 10 social media detox
After taking the first dose of meds yesterday I was able to fix the hurting part of my back. It still hurts but only slightly, it now needs time and constant training.
Iāll take the full dosage today and reduce to 2x daily tomorrow to be able to work. Its a muscle relaxer but a non addictive one. It still makes me a little dizzy and worsens my concentration, but Iāll manage that. Itās only 2 days, next week is off whoop whoop 
Iāll go to the grocery store now. Itās cold and grey outside and Iām sure there will be rain soon. But I like that I like wearing warm clothes in layers and snuggle up in blankets with pillows around me. Iām too sensitive to heat.
Have a beautiful sober day friends, stay strong 
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I used to take these. Originally I was on 50mg then 100mg of sertraline and they completely ruined me.
These ones are very light. They took the edge off for me and helped me get to sleep at night which certainly let me wake up with a clear head. They took me a little while to get used to and I didnāt stay on them for too long (maybe 6 months) but they certainly helped for me
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Checking in
450 days no booze
68 days no tobacco
Have a good day.
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30 days Sober (at midnight). 29 if you listen to the counter, but I donāt. 
Still a rough ride here but I feel a bit bored of feeling bad over the work stuff now. Itās still dragging out and Iām angry. Really want to get to the pool and gym tonight, enough is enough of feeling insular and wanting to hide. 
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Day 40!
I like the numbers that end in zero
T.
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I love your thought process @JennyH . High five on 41 days af. Keep it up my friend. Turtle power.
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