Checking in on day 146.
@Deelzebub , such a wise insight! I think I’m still having an identity crisis myself!
@Dazercat , WAIT and WAIST are true 
s! Thanks for them. Definitely tools I need in my life.
Have a great sober Tuesday all!
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So happy for you! Ćongrats!!
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Congratulations on 30 days!!!
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Thank you very much!
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@Tragicfarinelli still in the uk, yeah. And thank you! I’m hoping it starts clearing out by tomorrow because this is just hell. And I’m sorry your periods are just as bad. I call it my monthly punishment for existing 
.
@Rockstar24777 Good to see you bsck around here, Rob 
@RosaCanDo I hope you get better soon, Rosa! Sounds like you have a cold just as nasty as mine. I feel you on maxing out on the otc stuff with almost no relief.
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Not talking about stuff is the true weakness. You can only try, and he may or may not be interested in listening. But that is his decision, not yours.
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Day 124
(4 setbacks)
I’m in a mental prison. I’m being completely dominated by my negative emotions and im completely emotionally empty. My wife has been in the hospital 8 days in the last month. I’m actually back in the ER with her. Im supporting my wife, my I’m struggling with my DOC. Lack of sleep, stressed for her, my own selfish non sense, shame and guilt is once again, wrecking my brain. I’m so tired. My wife is suffering and my selfish butt is looking at youtube in the middle of the night. I get kicked out of bed by my children who are also sick and recently in urgent care, and in the basement, all my training, my techniques, go out the window. I could not shake this stupid fantasy. I kept mentally throwing it away, tried to seperate that thought from my brain. But who am i kidding, all mindfullnesd in the world want going to stop me from being stupid. I don’t hate myself, i really dislike my brain and the prison i am in mentally. I should be the most grateful person for my wife and kids. I’m so blessed. And yet I’m a incredibly selfish, insecure man who should have seen a therapist decades ago.
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Do you recognize anything that occurred through these moments that caused this to happen for you @SelfLove_42?
The thought of losing her/them?
The isolation/freedom to do as you will?
The stress, worry, anxiety of it all?
Find that feeling whatever it was, because that’s where strength needs to be built in your recovery.
You’re not alone and it can certainly feel overwhelming when you have to care for many, mentally and physically, especially if that is not the role you’re familiar with.
You have no control over any of what is going on except your decision to honor yourself and your family.
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Day 78:
Missed checking-in yesterday so getting a quick one done this morning. Good day yesterday. Gym, work (easy day), friends house for dinner and football. Zero complaints! Happily sober one more day!
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Day 81
It’s been cloudy here and I could really use some sunshine. Little worried about seasonal depression… Going to take good care of myself
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Insecure OK. Selfish I’m not so sure. You’re trying your hardest to take care of your family. But you have to take care of yourself too. Or you have to take care of yourself first actually. In a more healthy way than watching youtube. That’s where it starts. Therapy seems like a solid plan. Go for it is my advice.
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My lord do I want to be back home so bad…
I am checking the tracking status of my passport every few minutes even though I have notifications turned on, and I can’t stop myself.
I have to wait to have it in my hand to book my flight and the one that would have taken me directly home is now sold out. I’ll have to fly to the next city and ferry over now providing those don’t sell out before I get my passport.
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Day 1081,
Tired from my voluntary work, but it was nice. Getting into movement again after the meds debacle. My head is again often in overthinking mode. Have to hand in my company lease car at the end of the month. So the financial pressure gets noticeable more. But I’ll keep on putting one foot before the other. Next week again a call with my doctor to discuss meds. Talked to her yesterday, she takes her time to listen so feeling heard there. Now a little nap, then off to my sponsor. 
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On the positive side: I don’t have to think about what to cook at the moment bc one bagel is enough for me the whole day 
And maybe a coffee.
I really hope that stops soon. I’m 12 days in with the medication, I know that it should start working around 14-21 days 
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Yay!!! Over the moon excited! I have my passport and my plane ticket home. Checked in with the airline and am on the shuttle heading that way.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been this excited.
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@freckles2 double digits 
so happy for you. WOW – so exciting that you can go out and let you true self shine – no longer dulling yourself. Many more sober days ahead 
@just_laura Sorry that you and your daughter are not feeling well –sending healing vibes for the both of you
@smootie8220 Great work on starting your sober journey. Would talking about your anxiety help – either with someone irl or with us here? Welcome to the community – you are among fellow addicts that do understand the struggle. Much comfort your way 
@acromouse Welcome to the community. Great work on 13 days. We are here for you if you need to vent / talk out the anxiety. Keep going strong – it does get easier.
@jennyh I do hope you start to feel better – I do hate all the circulating colds this time of year. Man I really can relate with you on starting to feel better and wanting to somehow make up for the time laid out with fatigue so looking for a evening job makes sense with the a typical brain. I am also working on this battle and I know we need to tell our brains that we are doing enough. We are not lazy. We are capable of being productive and resting does not mean laziness. I do hope you are able to see how far you have come and all the progress you are making at home, at work and the hardest of all with you your sobriety. Much love to you friend.
@shybert Way to go with your 30 day milestone! Keep going strong and stacking on the days
@NAOMI great work on day 3. It is hard when our loved ones are deep into addiction, having issues with health and still in denial of the addiction. This is a tough conversation to have and for me I would try to have it when he is sober and relay how concerned I am with the hopes that my words would make a difference. Wishing you luck with the conversation if you choose to have it – be prepared that he may not want to quit or think that he has a problem. Addiction is cunning disease.
@deelzebub that’s gotta be a lot of weight on the mind. I can’t imagine the changes life would have with kids growing up and becoming mini adults. With more time for you it can be strange at first – hoping you are able to fill it with self interests and self care routines. Sending you strength to gain motivation 
@moosetracks Way to go with your 15 months!! That is amazing work! You should be super proud of your accomplishment!
@anon68572606 WOW - that is fantastic news! So happy for you – safe travels!
Checking in on Tuesday morning
Grateful i got my dental appointment finished - mouth is sore from the new technology to do a mouth scan for the mouth guard. Trying to keep myself moving or at least awake today… they are working on the new deck today so the noise won’t let me sleep anyways. All in all - i am good and urge free.
Wishing everyone a addiction free day - sending you all so much love
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@selflove_42 I am so sorry that your wife is back in the ER and your kids are in urgent care. This has got to be super stressful and worrisome. I know when I am have a lot to deal with and it is compounded with lack of sleep that this is when my addiction mind gains strength and the voices get louder. Are you able to reach out for help? Talking with someone and being honest about your struggles may help lower the voice. You do need to make sure you are healthy and stable first if you can be of any use to your family. Sending you compassion and strength
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Honestly, i think it’s the isolation combined with me not able to control my thoughts. I’m done with destroying myself. I’ve struggled most of my life with this issue. Im sitting now, in the ER with my wife, I just need to focus on my wife. I’m full of regret and guilt, neither of those qualities have helped me get better. I’m tired, sleep deprived, And depressed. None of that matters. Take my feelings, my trauma, push it aside. I’m going to focus on my wife and her recovery. I’m just sitting here. It’s never a good day to have a relapse, but today i feel especially unfaithful. I’m so tired.
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The voices in 20 years have never been this loud. I’m fighting so hard not to think about it. I’m just sitting here, my wife is knocked out, i just feel mentally ill. I’m usually good at picking myself up. I can’t even talk to anyone today who i know personally when my wife is like this. Deeply troubled. Ok. Enough. I’m going to fill my mind with positive things. I can’t just sit here and talk about my 42 years of trauma. My addict brain is dominating me with shame at the moment so i need to go on the offensive, like right now
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Yes talking to people help and giving my tips to keep my sober journey on focus! This has been hard to not put up a drink.
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