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Feeling better. Not good, but definitely better. I was at home only with twins today so it was relatively easy. Decided I’m gonna stay at home tomorrow, I called in sick. So tomorrow all kids away, father away - I will just rest and recover. Oh how I need that… Can’t wait 
Other than that? Not much. Romanticising alcohol a bit lately. Would be good press that ultimate “fuck this shit” button and forget about everything for a moment. But I’m fully aware afterwards “this shit” would be even worse so it’s not worth it. IT’S NOT WORTH IT!
Gonna watch something, or rather try to watch something and fall asleep after 7-10min 
Good day/good night! Love you 
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Day 25 sober. Early to bed after a busy day at work/gym. I feel good in general but sleep a lot more than when I was drinking. Part of it will be my body healing, and part of it is that I just DO a lot more when I am sober! A good start to the week with the 30 day medal in sight again.
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Today, help me, God, to let go of shame-based rigid rules. I will choose the freedom of loving, listening, and trusting.
Day 3. Thanks to God I still attending to zoom meetings.
I try to live each day as the only one. If I think in my past failures I feel Vertigo.
I am doing better with food binging
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Great to see you checking in my friend. Day 3 is amazing. Do let go of that shame my friend. You are doing great on getting back on track and attending these meetings 
Stay connected Thomas 
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Oh snap!!! Happy Belated 1 year Birthday Mike, HELL YEAH!!! 
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Checking in on Day 77 AF, very busy day at work, a bit stressed out. Ate some Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal for dinner, it helped, LOL. Definitely better than drinking. Have a great night everyone!
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Check-in Day 4
I have been to fasting for pilgrimage, I know these time, i not urge for a drink and I realised that the problem is my mind.
Went to temple for prayer, Waiting my mom to finish making my breakfast, I will sit sometime to hunt new projects on internet.
Going to attend a virtual AA meeting today.
@Butterflymoonwoman
Thank you for great advice!, I will keep saved.
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@JazzyS thanks. It sucks because I liked Stardust. But it was just way too unsafe. I even filed a detailed complaint with OSHA pointing out everything that was dangerous there. And it was A LOT. Anyway, first day went really well. We did 2 hours of training, then 2 hours helping to load all the trucks, then 2 more hours of training, then a final exam on everything we learned. I got 24/25 questions correct. Then I met with the hiring manager and got all the formalities out of the way. She likes me. Then I saw the supervisor that oversees the loading of the trucks outside the restroom and he gave me a fist bump and thanked me for all my help which was cool. I was running circles around all the 20 year old kids in there. It’s also nice to be starting with a clean slate at a good company. I feel like my reputation was in the gutter with Home Depot because of my past. There was no forgiving me. So starting here in the cleanest and healthiest shape I’ve ever been in in my life, where nobody knows my history, nobody knows how sick I once was… it feels good. Like a chance to start over. Anyway… thanks. Have a great night.
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I haven’t written in a while but I’ve been checking this app everyday. The truth is I’m dealing with memories of the latest psychiatric hospital stay. A lot happened that I’m now having to cope with when I start to relive some of those awful days. I’m staying self harm free but feeling a lot of emotions and detachment. The treatment I received was dehumanizing. I was drugged so heavily that I lost total control of my body. Every movement I made was involuntary. I was drugged so heavily that I was delusional and was also hallucinating. I believed I was in an alternate universe. I was completely unaware of where I was and what was going on around me. I was so out of my mind that when I finally came back to my senses I couldn’t remember what happened. My memory started coming back just recently. I have to relive this horrid experience all the time now. I haven’t talked to anyone about any of this because Im extremely ashamed and embarrassed that I had acted so unsafe that the hospital had to take such drastic measures to keep me safe from myself. I’ve now come to realize that I acted that way because of all that I’ve been through growing up. I did what I had to do to survive and at the time, the only way to survive was with self harm. In a way, it made me feel soothed and helped me escape my memories even for a little while. I hate what happened to me in that hospital, even more than I’ve described here and I want to speak out and finally let people know what I’ve been through so I can finally leave it behind me.
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Hey my beautiful people, checking in
Ive been getting used to the schedule here and its so busy but in a good way.
I am really loving my job and working outside the home. The days do fly by! I am working with 3 students who are extensive needs on the spectrum but fully integrated into their class (which I see the benefits in some ways, but also the major failings of this new model…mainly being that these kids get less support). Im not necessarily supposed to be in charge of their programming in academics or treatment, but there just isnt the infastructufe in the school otherwise and Im not interested in just babysitting them. I already find myself so attached to them and love getting to know their individual personalities. Another part of my job is supervising the yard and I spend time with a few of the Section kids who are gravitating towards me and this shouldnt be surprising to me; but it always kind of is.
We’re trying to find our famiky rhythm and so far so good. I have a good morning with the kids before taking them to school and off to work, then me and hubby take turns with pick up and on Saturday I prep and plan the meals for the week. It actually is so nice to plan what you’ll have it just takes the “what do we have for dinner” out of the evening
I am down to 2-3 cigarettes a day. I am using a vape for after school and the evenings. I know its trading one addiction for another, but I would rather harm reduce at this point. Im not vaping during times I wouldnt smoke, just trying to use it in place of some of the habitual ones.
I know i have been off my checks in and want to get it back jn my evening habit i have just started doing things like lunches, laundry etx. In the evening i wasnt doing in the evenings before but this is just as if not more important. Just finding the ebb and flow of my life. In all this I am so happg but i do miss my monthly visits to my nephew. Christmas js coming and in the new year hopefully i will be able to take a personal day or so so i can drive down and see him too. Thats all for now xo.
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Didn’t do much today. Got into a cleaning groove just before and after dinner, but then got tired. I’ve been feeling chilly all day, which is weird bc I’m normally too warm. I do still have the itchy eyes/throat, but my nose has turned more into a burning, plus the skin’s raw from blowing it. Constantly using aquaphor on it. Eh, I’ll probably go to bed early. Maybe it’s time my body gets some normal sleep, as opposed to 5/6 hours 
No plans for tomorrow, so nothing to worry about. Have a great 24hrs everyone
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Hey @Jules000 thanks for your share. Sounds very traumatic I am so sorry you were put in this situation. I too have experienced some very shameful memories from my past and also found my treatment pretty dehumanizing and struggled with it for a long time. I’ve learned you have two choices. You can sit and dwell or you can accept that the past happened and you did the best you could at the time with the resources you had and you do have the power to change the course of your future starting with today. We all experience shame over one period of our life or another but it’s how you chose to internalize that shame. If you do decide you want to share more, we are all here to support you. Sending big hugs 
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Thinking about you @SadMemeQueen
Hoping you’re doing ok and hoping you are there. New surroundings and new experiences are always challenging. Looking fwd to your check in when you’re able.
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1991
I didn’t get the job which I wanted pretty bad and I felt I had pretty much wrapped up. Disappointing. I didn’t crave a drink after I got the news, but I did remember how it would have been just another reason to get drunk again. Never again. One day at a time.
So on we go. Working this morning, time to get my rain gear out and on and have as good a day as I can. Sober and clean. I’ll find something else. Love from Luna and me.
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Ill post a check in now thanks for reminding me
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@Alisa thanks for thinking of me!
2y 8m 16d no self harm
well I’m in a partial hospitalization program for eating disorders. I will be living in a house with some of the patients. I don’t want to be home because my family is toxic but I really wish I had my own space (I have a roommate here but they’re cool). i figured out a starting out meal plan today. mostly safe foods for now. i see a dietician, psychiatrist, and therapist while I’m here. its stressful and a lot of work on ourselves (it’s an
8hr a day program. I’m not a very social person typically but I’ve chatted or said hello to mostly everyone and they seem really cool.
right now my main issue is I feel like i don’t belong in this level of treatment. it feels really intense and there are actually sick people here while my case of eating disorders is pretty mild. everyone was struggling to eat and I had my safe foods so I got to eat easily and it made me feel like I wasn’t really sick.
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To this a nurse said to me some years ago: it’s good for you that you don’t have to be saved from drowning and come with your head a bit above water as that’s a much better starting point for therapy.
Now that I think of it it’s maybe also the thing which keeps us away from reaching out sooner. Look at them. Their rock bottoms. They are off much worse. Therapy is for those who want it and not for those who need it.
I am glad you got there. 
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