Happy for a short break from the stuff at work to just take a breath.
I am a bit bored with life though. Feeling like I want to just escape my situation with a solo vacation or something. Or maybe renovate my space. But don’t have the budget for either. I do struggle a bit with SAD and the daylight savings switch kinda sucks.
I feel like I need to re-engage with my morning yoga practice and get out of bed as soon as I’m up. Which has been between 4 and 5am most mornings. I rebel against that and lay there hoping for more sleep that isn’t even restorative.
Not a whole lot to say tonight other than I’m tired and glad I’ll be off the next two days. I will try to catch up on here tomorrow morning with my coffee . Hope you’ve all had a great day. Stay safe and sober everyone .
You are crushing it! So proud of your journey. Keep going strong friend. Hope you get some good rest tonight @kareness Yeah that sounds crazy frustrating. Wishing you best of luck with the projects. Learning new software can take time… remember to be kind to yourself.
Totally understand this sentiment. Same for me. It is a wonderful journey all around. Well done with your 28 days – keep stacking up the days. @cr84 sending you healing vibes. Hope you feel better soon. @fingers-crossed YIPPEE on 1 week! Great job on your journey – keep putting in that amazing work @alycia Much love friend. Big hugs your way This all sounds super scary and hard to deal with. Sending strength and patience your way. So very grateful that you are keeping your sobriety in tact and are there fully available to help when he needs it
That is crazy – would have me dreaming of cheesecake after that long. Grateful you stuck to your guns and tacked on day 3 – you one strong chica! Be proud of your efforts
Checking in on Monday night
1048 days free of alcohol and weed
1463 days free of cigarettes
Man its been a long day. I started off thinking it would be easy and laid back but well - I guess it wasn’t hard but just a trying day. Working through a lot of fatigue and sleepiness.
Now its time for bed and guess what - I can’t seem to shut down LOL. Headache is trying to turn into a migraine so I will work on some temple massages and see if that works.
Early day tomorrow so gotta get some rest… wishing everyone a wonderful addiction free day / evening - sending you all so much love
I’m looking for places to rent, but afraid to chase what I want. I’ve had bad experiences with being rejected on grounds that shouldn’t be discriminated upon. So, I can handle awkward conversations and not getting what I hoped for. What I don’t know how to handle, is conversations that make me feel like a lesser, “other” class of human being that doesn’t belong. My will to carry on just evaporates into thin air. But I can’t avoid doing this, so I need to figure out how I’m going to face this on repeat for as long as I need to.
I came across one property on my search today that was absolutely perfect. I was excited about it for hours, showing it to family and friends, researching the neighbourhood, letting myself dream a bit. By the end of the afternoon I’d already started convincing myself it wasn’t to be. It was easier to let go this way, than it would be to have another bad encounter.
Thankfully the rental listing came up in conversation later on with my parents, and I was reminded of the potential I saw there, and was able to feel the excitement again. I hate that I almost gave up before giving it a fair shot.
Along with all of these feelings today, was the good ol’ “it would be so much easier if I didn’t have to feel everything”. But I mean… feelings just suck sometimes and don’t go away. That’s just how it is.
So it’s basically: “it would be so much easier if my brain worked in a completely different and unnatural way”. It would be easier if my car could fly, too, but it doesn’t, and it wouldn’t even be a regular car anymore if it did.
Another good day at the course. This will be the third time I’ve been involved with this course. Once as a student, once as an instructor and now as lead instructor. This time is definitely the hardest. While not as physically demanding it’s mentally draining. Add into that I’ve been doing shift work for 18yrs so working a normal 8-5 day for 5 days is unusual for me my wife and I both do shift work, so joke that it’s inhumane anytime we work more than 3 daytimes in a row
@GOKU_SS4 It’s Good to see you! As long as we are in control of the fact that we are trying to improve our behaviour, it is already a victory. Maybe not the one we want, but sometimes the one we need to understand our own behaviours better. There is always something to learn for those willing to read between the lines …
On the topic of unnerving events, I never did either until this dream 6-7yrs ago I was in a dark room and the only thing I saw was the devil standing across from me. He started walking towards me and I knew there was nothing I could do, so I closed my eyes (another thing I’d never done in a dream). He pinned me down on the ground and he smelled like burning dirt. I’ll never forget it
992
Another night of shit sleep due to constant disturbances I had to work a funeral this morning and thought I’d be out before school ended, but I wasn’t. So I asked my mom if she could meet my daughter at the bus stop. She told me that she had just brought my dad home unexpectedly. Insurance said they’d cover 2 more weeks of rehab 3 days ago, but called this morning to say “Psych!” Totally blindsided Like, wtf?! When I got there at 5pm, she said he’d been sleeping since they got home and wouldn’t wake up, but complains he doesn’t sleep at night! We’re expecting a call from an advocate tomorrow who reviews cases to help find proper assistance. Trying to get ahold of the VA too. I’m gonna ask around work and see if anyone has advice. My mom is mega stressed, but my brother is there tonight and I told her we’ll figure something out tomorrow, one way or another. Luckily I don’t have to work. But I do need to sleep. Odaat
It was nice to go to the store yesterday and buy myself new materials for the paintings I am preparing for the new collaboration. Back in February, everything was provided by the gallery I was working with, and I didn’t have to pay for any materials. This time is different; they only represent my work to clients, and how I make it is up to me.
While I used cheap materials during the summer to improve my technique, I am aware that although the ideas might look interesting, those pieces can’t command a gallery price. However, it was a good strategy from my perspective to save money on practice materials.
So, investing in my work, yesterday was a good exercise as well, because normally I would not invest in myself due to a lack of self-confidence or self-worth. But I did it, and I spent five times what I did last summer for one piece of materials. The canvas looks amazing. I bought a brand-new, high-quality brush and three acrylics from one of the best Italian brands available on the market. It gives me a completely different feeling… and it feels like an achievement to not feel guilty about it.
This is so crazy. With drinking and using, I would throw away all my money just to be liked by people, only to be left with nothing in the end, and certainly not with real friends. Switching to using that money to shape my new reality is a big step forward, one that will certainly have a different outcome. This is at the bottom of the universal law of cause and effect and the law of attraction.
Second day of my holidays, and I’m on my second coffee. I slept well, interesting dreams, the last one had me stepping out of bed as I was late for something. It was a dream but still a good time to get out of bed. Feeling rested for the first time in a month or so.
A core memory from my teens came up during the tactile part of somatic therapy yesterday. It’s about traumatic sex, and is a memory that does come up every now and again. For the first time I could feel something about it, other than cold, emptiness, dissociation, pain, utter loneliness. The feeling was a very deep sadness but also held compassion to myself, to the teenager me. And came with some warmth. Very special. I was exhausted after and skipped basketball. And went to bed early. It was a good day.
Today I’m not sure yet. The weather looks indifferent. I might try some writing. Take care of myself with some good food. That might be enough for today. I’m going to have as good a day as I can. Sober and clean. Hope you all will do the same. Love from Misha and BromBrom. And me.
@Puzzled Huge congrats on 7 years of sobriety friend. It is a big thing. Hugs.
@ifs I was reminded how it is to feel nothing yesterday. What a lonely empty place that is. Not going back there, however hard feeling stuff is.
@Lucalds Congrats on loving yourself enough to buy good supplies and invest in you! This is your new ‘normal’ ok? Keep going, you’re doing fantastic.
Checking in on 106 days THC free and 21 days MO free! Another crazy day at work last night, the safe is broken so we can’t access our change. We can drop the money, thank goodness but accessing change is tight and will be until they send a new sensor for the door. Then the debit system went down twice so I was on the phone with IT. So ready for my weekend, one more shift!
I was in a dark room and the only thing I saw was the devil standing across from me. He started walking towards me and I knew there was nothing I could do, so I closed my eyes (another thing I’d never done in a dream). He pinned me down on the ground and he smelled like burning dirt. I’ll never forget it 
I had to work a funeral this morning and thought I’d be out before school ended, but I wasn’t. So I asked my mom if she could meet my daughter at the bus stop. She told me that she had just brought my dad home unexpectedly. Insurance said they’d cover 2 more weeks of rehab 3 days ago, but called this morning to say “Psych!” Totally blindsided 
Like, wtf?! When I got there at 5pm, she said he’d been sleeping since they got home and wouldn’t wake up, but complains he doesn’t sleep at night! We’re expecting a call from an advocate tomorrow who reviews cases to help find proper assistance. Trying to get ahold of the VA too. I’m gonna ask around work and see if anyone has advice. My mom is mega stressed, but my brother is there tonight and I told her we’ll figure something out tomorrow, one way or another. Luckily I don’t have to work. But I do need to sleep. Odaat 
. Keep shining bright 
