Checking in daily to maintain focus #83

[Butterflymoonwoman]

Day 1486
Today is going to be a self care and self reflection kind of day. Im struggling a bit today and so instead of pushing myself to the max, im going to do things that are good for me. I dont want to use many multiple tasks to avoid feeling and thinking about what is going on for me lately. Im at no risk of using/drinking. Its just Im struggling with food. I wish I could afford a therapist or something of that short bcuz I think it would be really useful. I dont know if Im being too extreme with my eating therefore its almost impossible to adhere to? Or if Im just not trying hard enough? Idk. My mind tells me to just give up. But my heart isnt allowing me to do that.

Anyway, todays plans are to hit the gym (even tho I dont feel like it). Im going to clean the apartment. Have a bath maybe. Do my prayer and mindfullness activity. Go on my LifestyleRX zoom group and try and enjoy my day without rushing.

[BlancheDuBois]

Day 142.

Today, my focus is getting caught up on homework for one specific class. I’m about a week and a half behind schedule and I have until 2 PM this afternoon to catch up. Class tonight. Tomorrow, I can focus on getting my space tidied and refreshed. I really need a day to just lock in and do the damn thing.

Grateful today for how quiet my day-to-day is. Every morning is a little slice of heaven. My husband and I have started buying nicer coffee and it makes a huge difference. We’ve been drinking whatever is cheapest or currently on sale for years. But for the last few weeks, we decided it was something small we could splurge a little on. We never get coffee out, so the money saved can be reinvested into making this a little more special.

Feeling hopeful about our finances today. We still have quite a ways to go before we’re out of the woods, but we’ve been making significant progress every month since November. We really may be able to turn things around before I graduate. Not drinking is helping a LOT, but we’ve also just gotten much more intentional about where every single dollar goes. Tracking makes all the difference.

Breathing deeply today. Had a nice big cry last night about feeling broken, but I’m doing better after a good night’s sleep. I’ve slowly broken down my entire daily schedule since November and have been flailing a bit. Doing whatever I want whenever I feel like it. My burnout hit a wall and I let it crumble all the structural things I had been building. Daily routines. Schedules. Rigidity. I just let it all go for a while.

I’m choosing to let it stay messy until Spring Break ends. I’ll spend some time next week thinking about my intentions for the rest of the year, and try to restructure something that makes more sense to my nervous system, that will help me focus in on getting this novel written. Ready to rebuild. But letting it all go for a while was absolutely necessary.

[JasonFisher]

This one is easy for me to fall into. I got extremely addicted to an online game many years ago. I quit playing it and took my real life back.

Another member here shared about his gaming addiction. I related so much.

At the time, I had bought a faster computer to edit videos. I couldn’t resist checking out some games. I started to play a lot, and I realized with what I read here that I was going to waste a lot of my life gaming again. I uninstalled them all. The ps4 i had also bought with some beer money is collecting dust too.

Gaming and internet addiction is real. Back in the day I liked my gaming life much more than my real life. I tried to go pro. I was good, but not as good as the pros.

I have not gamed in over five years.

[Butterflymoonwoman]

Jeeze, can I ever relate to ur post. I am so proud of u for being so self aware. Often times its easy to fall into other addictive behaviours without even realizing it.

@Mtrav0040

starting to wonder if this form of escapism

Do u notice ur emotions or thoughts when u tend to want to play the game? I find that, for myself anyway, if Im stressed or overwhelmed or experiencing something “uncomfortable” that the “pull” to engage in that potentially addictive thing is much higher. Its no long a recreational activity or hobby that I enjoy. I use it to, well… escape. If its causing u harm (which it sounds like it is otherwise u wouldnt be talking about it), then maybe it would be worth trying to limit ur time or stop the game for abit all together.

I think its sooo easy for us as addicts to switch addictions or find other ways to escape. I struggle with this too… my phone usage, particularly mindless scrolling when stressed, and with food.

Wishing u all the best my friend. Im glad ur here

[JasonFisher]

i have a week to just focus on the move.
I picked up supplies to build some shelves for my art studio. I have been putting them together this morning. It feels really good.

Back in my health hazard place, I never built shelves because it needed so much other work all the time. Art has always been a driving force for my recovery and it feels good to be stepping up my game! The dopamine is real!

[GOKU_SS4]

Day 1606 AF

Good morning.

Couldn’t sleep for shit last night. I was up til almost 5 AM. I had some bad sx urges and ended up acting out. Can’t find a way to overcome this disease.

It’s back to the grind today. Don’t feel like working, honestly. But it is what it is.

I hope everyone’s doing well. ODAAT

[Jaybeeem]

Day #48

Flying out of state for a work trip. Up before the birds feels unatural. Atleast the airport is pretty quiet well before 5am

[Alexh666]

A-437 C-381 THC-163 N-99

Looking forward to getting a few more tattoos scheduled over the next couple of months before Summer rolls around! I’m thankful for meeting some really talented tattoo artists who I enjoy having good conversations with, which helps distract from the pain of the moment and makes time fly!

I made a commitment to myself about a decade ago that I wouldn’t get tattoos done while under the influence of drugs or alcohol. I want to remember the experience and not skirt past the necessary pain required when getting a piece of art that will be on my body for the rest of my life!

I’m grateful for making the choice to stay sober, for the willingness to experience struggle while growing, and for good, chill music

@ICanAndWill, @JasonFisher & @Lucalds I really appreciate the support you all have shown me and the thoughtful words of encouragement!

@Jules000 You’re not alone, Julia! I’m familiar with that feeling of what seems like never ending, cyclical struggle. I struggled with intense, daily depression that lead to really dark thoughts of sh and suicide for years. For me, breaking the cycle required talking to a few medical professionals about medication, a massive amount of therapy, and finding a support network of people who could empathize with me and understand the things I was experiencing. Please remember the world is a better place with you in it, and that there are so many people in your corner wanting only the best for you. Don’t give up on yourself

@Juli1 Glad you made the choice to reach out for support and that you chose to stay sober!

@Violagirl Congrats on your record breaking 4 months!! Looking forward to seeing you share more milestones!

@Mtrav0040 I’m glad you’re being open and honest about something you are struggling with! Accountability is key! We have discussed the dangers of social media addiction, and online gaming can be very similar in my experience. If your responsibilities IRL start getting pushed aside, maybe it is time to consider adjusting how much time you spend online!

I’ve experienced times of far, far too much time spent playing video games and at one point had to address it in therapy as something that was negatively effecting my life! Glad you’re addressing this, and that you are willing to share!

[Mtrav0040]

Thanks @JasonFisher and @Butterflymoonwoman. Trying to answer your questions, Dana:

I think I am avoiding the small unglamorous tasks in front of me like painting my walls or cleaning my garage. I’m avoiding the creative outlets because I don’t really know what to pour that energy into and I’m afraid of judgement over the stuff I’d create. I also use the excuse of not having my garage shop set up with the tools I need.

I think that it also helps me to avoid social outlets and/or engaging in ways to improve my finances. I don’t have to contemplate what I’m being motivated to do when I’m plugged into imaginary goals instead.

I think it boils down to like overwhelm paralysis and fear of failure in some degree too. Like I don’t know where to start so why start at all.

Even writing this out makes me feel a bit like it’s impossible to envision a life where I deserve real contentment…so taking a step to towards it feels illogical almost.

Intuitively I know that it’s a journey and that I shouldn’t get down on myself for no being at the destination but it’s hard to not feel shame at times.

[Lola]

Not a great workday. I had a run-in with my employer this morning. I know it’s partly work and partly personal, so I wasn’t my calm self. I was also just pissed off at myself for not having enough privacy, and maybe it was necessary to not always be so sweet and kind. Oh well, I’m sober, and tomorrow is another day. Checking in on day 3167

[Butterflymoonwoman]

Day 1486
Afternoon check in. Im feeling just a little bit better than I was this morning thankfully. The gym helped I began to look into counselling for my disordered eating. The prices are soo expensive but I did see one place that bases their cost on a sliding scale (depending on how much u make). So I filled out the form to be contacted hoping I can explain my situation.

I have realized how naturally stressed out I am. I think it was @ICanAndWill who mentioned cortisol levels on a comment to one of my posts a few days back. And Im beginning to really see how high my stress levels are. Its to the point that I dont even realize Im stressed, bcuz im so used to feeling this way. Its just a natural state of being lol. From my past experiences while in addiction, to my sons medical diagnosis/complex needs, to my eating issues, to my sleep problems, to financial stuff, its just a lot. I AM continuing to schedule time for myself to take care of this stress tho. I know that stress is my response to how I think about a situation thats occuring. So im very slowly learning to pause between the thought and my reaction (stress).

Speaking of stress, I got a call today about how we are getting a new a ft and pt nurse overnight for my son. This will begin to take place next week (short notice). We have a meeting tmrw at 10am with my sons team to dicuss our expectations for these new nurses. Then they will be trained with our son. Anyway, Im slightly nervous, anxious, and stressed about this change. But i am trying to stay positive. I am sure grateful for my sobriety tho. Im beyond grateful to be clean and sober to handle all this with a clear head.

[Soberme2]

Thank you Alex. I’m at 12 days today. Keeping strong.

[Seizetheday]

Checking in day 799 AF

[Timetochange]

Day 980

All good..tired but relaxing now..work is v v hard at the mkment. But i will plod on

[Tomek]

Checking in on my second smoke-free day. Cravings are tough, but bearable. Did a blood test and some chores and I worked, but failed to read as much as I had planned. I had a therapy session in the evening, which was great and helpful as always. It’s weird not to go out afterwards to process it, I need to find other ways to wind down.

[Jesile]

Checking in

Not much to report from here, Im watching a comedy tonight, and I’ll be going to bed soon. Sober day on the books

[Jules000]

Checking in on day 21…. Feeling so many things right now..I’m in a lot of emotional pain bc I’m reflecting on recent events. Going through my scariest life threatening experience just weeks ago, being rushed via ambulance to the hospital and then having to have a blood transfusion as well as an iron transfusion. I was scared, and at my lowest point in life. I remember when I first arrived in the emergency department I kept holding out my hand because I needed support. Realizing I had nobody there with me crushed me. I needed my hand held, I needed to be told I was gonna be okay. I needed a hug, support, love and not one family member (even though they knew what was going on) came to see me at any single point throughout my time in the er and then on the psych unit. I was watching American idol this evening and it’s family week. It triggered some really hard emotions for me. I have a lot of anger and frustration inside. When I first got home a couple weeks ago my best friend (bless her heart) came to my apartment and helped me dispose of all my sh devices. Now, I’ve found another device and told my Php group leader I’d be having my friend help me ditch this one as well but if I’m being honest it’s way harder to give it up this time. I think bc it’s handing over control and it was easier the first time because I’d just gotten out of treatment and was really recovery focused and inspired by all the help I’d received but this time it’s way harder and I just don’t wanna face hard feelings right now so I’m avoiding even telling anyone else that I have a device. I feel myself giving up

[Staringupfromthewell]

From being in hospital to getting to 21 days is an incredible achievement @Jules000 . I know its hard now but it sounds like you are building your own support network around you which is another great achievement.

The reflections on past events are hard and I would reach out like you have on here and to your support network. No one is an island. I’m rooting for you.

[Staringupfromthewell]

Day 3 Checking in

I’ve been the opposite of grateful today. Really struggled with bitterness and resentment about a problem I cannot fix. Ended up in a heated discussion with my other half who is just telling me to let it go and let the problem I see coming happen as it doesn’t matter how much I point it out, people won’t make changes until it affects them. Its sound advice but it just taps into some deeper feelings of mistrust in leaving things to other people as it feels like the problems just comes back to me in the end.

The positive I am going to try and take from this that things need to change. The stress has been affecting my physical and mental health and I’ve been putting everything into this piece of work with an outcome that I was counting on. It hasn’t happened so I need to realign myself with what I want my life to be. That sounds dramatic when I read it back but I need to put my health first, not to get caught up in things.

Tomorrow is another day, I get to go again and try and find gratitude again.