877 AF
Going crazy with the heat.
Beside of that again I am doing great again in the job. I am proud.
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Day 8, Check in 2
4 days of poor sleep, a day of dealing with needless work drama, my son home from school due to the heat and a cat that insists on peeing by the front door despite the litter tray being 3 inches away. Its been a lot.
But I have absolutely no desire to relapse. I will keep checking in for accountability but I feel strong, I feel like my true self. Its a great place to be.
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Checking in on day 126
Therapy this morning was good- weāre continuing to work through a program to address my feelings surrounding my aptitude for my job. Dealing with some deeply rooted insecurities and imposter syndrome and I think itās working. Unfortunately, confronting those thoughts can be triggering and overwhelming but Iām hanging in there. Sober, of course.
@james83 thanks for the idea. I donāt have any local friends but I can reach out to someone and let them know that thereās a time of challenge coming up and ask for support, even if itās not in person.
@Dolse71 thanks Paul for the response. Youāre right, there needs to be some acceptance on my end that alcohol will always be there, but that the problem is me. Iāll spend some time with that thought and journal about it and see what I can do. Thanks again!
@Mno thanks Menno for the support. Therapy is certainly very hard work but Iām grateful to have it. Iāll keep this app close at hand during the upcoming time alone.
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Day 6 no porn
Woke up feeling energetic, currently installing an IKEA ottoman bed. Excited for the extra storage. Funnily enough they sent me an entire new bed instead of just the missing boxes from the past shipment. Itās nice doing an activity knowing I wonāt be watching anything NSFW before or after as a ārewardā.
Hereās a picture incase anyoneās curious what an ottoman bed is.
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Checking in day 906 AF 
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249 days AF, 209 nicotine-free.
Just had a moment where I felt very proud of those numbers, so thought I would post to give myself some credit.
One thing I have been telling myself ever since the physical withdrawal symptoms and psychological cravings subsided or at least significantly quieted down: I am not ātrying" to quit. I already DID, in a practical sense. Now it is up to me to not make the incredibly stupid decision to start up again. "Startā is also a misnomer, because it is impossible to ever āstart againā. If I succumbed to the temptation, I would really just be ācontinuingā from where I left off. Like the worldās shittiest and most self-sabotaging book put down with a book mark in it. I never want to continue living that story again.
Have a great day everyone. 
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Congratulations on triple sun revolutions. 
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I hope the funeral was moving for you, and maybe gave you a sense of how to move to the next level in that relationship.
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There is over 65000 pounds of shrimp in there.
We are turning and burning heading right back out to do it again. I couldnāt do this drunk!
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@Madds well, if you need reminding of why we stay sober whilst the temptation is thereā¦ reach out any timeā¦ we can remind each other of the horrible consequences ājust one drinkā can have.
126 days. Today was a test. I had 4 engagements today where alcohol was flowing. Starting at lunch and headed all the way through to late at night. Oh, then of course I would normally have got more alcohol for the train home, so I guess make that 5. Who says the British have a horrible drinking culture? 
It was the biggest test of my sobriety so far. Iām not going to make a habit of it but I was feeling confident in my ability to cope today. In my prior life I would be blackout drunk by now and probably grab a beer at breakfast tomorrow to deal with the hangover before starting drinking again in earnest at lunch. What an asshole I was.
Proud of myself for honoring all my commitments today and staying sober for it. I didnāt used to be able to feel proud of myself for ājust staying soberā because I felt so guilty that it was hard for me to do something so many people can do with ease.
Iāve learned to stay sober and Iāve learned to be proud of myself for it. One day I might even grow up.
Thank you all for being here through all my lapses and bullshit excuses along the way. I wouldnāt be here without you guys. One day at a time.
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Day 9 Checking in
My check in ādaysā tick over in the evening so the start of my next sober day is just before I go to bed.
I am exhausted. Sleep deprived in a way that I havenāt been since my son was a baby. My addiction will always jump at the chance to go āI can fix how you feel.ā Even though I feel really bad I am embracing it. I feel how I feel. PMO turned me into a lifeless husk. Just stumbling through life not feeling anything and just trying to keep everything out. So in a strange way I am enjoying this. I feel.bad but the world isnāt ending inside my head.
The more examples I take notice of that bad feelings are not the end of the world, the more accepting I become. I am certain I am on the right path. Roll on another sober day.
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Beautiful. I can see the JOY! Congratulations!
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I like the number.. striving for 900 myself but canāt get a head of myself 849 today.
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Day # 155 of freedom.
Just a relaxing day. Nothing really planned. Ontop of all my chores and might be a abit of a couch potato. Perhaps go for a ride and do some cardio if the sun comes out again.
Already planning what to cook for dinner, looking forward to it with a few Ideas on my mind and writing out a list of ingredients to purchase later.
To touch on the subject of freedom and why I like to say that and dont mean it lightly.
In what feels like an entirely different life from now, id be only thinking about what, when and how much i can drink later in the day and be anxious to start immediately if i was able to and not working. Just mental obsession. Changing evening plans that didnt fit to my desire to have a buzz where possible.
Preparing a healthy dinner was the least of my concerns as long as i could have some drinks first and then move forward with whatās next.
Id be sneaking outside multiple times to smoke or vape and try hide it. Always had " something " to do outside id say, id be agitated and anxious in situations where i couldnt briefly escape to have a quick puff.
Always justified the drinking because id do something productive and be doing yard work ect ect. Always got stuff done and did good work but āneededā to have beers while doing it.
Not who I wanted to be. And definitely not who I will be.
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@Madds Hey Madeline - how are you doing today? Are you able to lessen your load? Leave some time for just āyouā time? Therapy homework can be exhausting and emotionally taxing. Can you break it up so you are not attacking it all at once? Or do it when you have already practiced some self care? I like your strategy for when your hubby goes away. Keep working on the plan and have options for when something may need to change.
@Amelie Getting closer to your soberversary too. The Milestone malady could also be playing its games. SO glad you donāt take in your ID. I still donāt do that on the off chance that I may be tempted. Regret free is a lovely message - we fight another day 
@RaggedTrouseredPhil OMG Phil- So adorable! Welcome to the world Jacob 
@JasonFisher Congrats on your haul. Hope you get some good rest soon. I hear ya on the drinking for celebrating. I think I focus too much on not drinking when I am suffering or down that I almost forget its so easy to fall into the ālets celebrate with a drinkā trap Way to see it for what it is and stay clear! Just read your update - guess not time to really rest - Definitely couldnāt do this hungover / drunk.
@LukeP Welcome back Luke - 1 week soon is an amazing start. Glad you are keep busy and going to the meetings ODAAT
@Puddingface33 WHOOHOO Double digits! 
OH man it sucks when you already know shits gonna hit the fan when you get to work. I do hope it went better than you were expecting. Glad to hear that you used your support and tools rather than old addictive habits to get through the rough moments
AAAH Now that is a beautiful statement! Hope you did enjoy the ride. so crazy that it starts / ends at the brewery 
@2JTravNZ Sending healing vibes - hope you feel better soon 
@McDude OOH I do love those moments. So grateful that you shared your excitement with us - Totally something to be proud of!
@james83 Grateful you made it through such a trying time and more grateful that you know not to put yourself in this situation as it can wear on you. Be proud of getting through today - stay connected and keep stacking up the days
Checking in on Thursday 6/25
1282 days free of alcohol and weed
1697 days free of cigarettes
Phew! It has been a day. A LOT of mini issues that by themselves would have not been a big deal but add them together and sprinkle yet another night of almost no sleep and I was spent. By 10 am I had already had a good cry and done my breath work to try to ease my nerves. I did get my swim in but that was an ordeal. I felt dizzy at moments and my whole body was tense so it did not feel the calming water effects. I kept promising myself that I would do one more lap and thats it LOL but I found a way to do the whole set. A good cry in the pool is always very cathartic. On my way home I was feeling low and didnāt know how I would get through the day A song came on that absolutely changed me. It was like the words and rhythm were what the doctor ordered 
I instantly was uplifted and signing along and doing the seated dance in my car seat. I must have been having fun cause a lot of drivers joined in along my drive which only made the energy that much more special.
I am grateful that I didnāt have to work today as the afternoon took up many hours as we were trying to figure out an AC issue at my rental. It is a burnt motor and thankfully the parts are under warranty. I believe the labor should be too as they just replaced the blower motor but they said they need to inspect themselves before committing to anything. So we will see how that goes tomorrow.
I am exhausted so taking the time to relax on my balcony in the cool breeze and my TS friends.
Wishing you all a wonderful addiction free day /evening - sending you all so much love
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Day 546
Had a busy day at work today . Had a technician come in to install sensors and other equipment in all our refrigeration equipment the reads temperatures 24/7 and sends notifications whenever a peice of equipment is out of range for a certain amount of time. Anyways I was helping the technician with something when some customer approached the counter by where we were working. She removed the lid from her takeout coffee cup and complained it was too full to put the on side creamers she wanted in it. I even though was clearly taking care of something else offered to help but needed to move some things to be able reach the cup and dump a bit in our behind counter sink. Well, I guess it wasnāt fast enough and she went to try to dump into the behind counter sink from where she was herself . She wound up spilling her coffee all over her hand. I obviously asked if she was ok and did my best to offer basic first aid. She left shortly after and I figured everything was ok. Well she came back 2 hours later causing a scene saying her hand really hurt and tried to demand I give her money to get cream for her burn from the pharmacy. I was completely shocked, like who does that. Anyways I politely explained that Iām very sorry she burned herself but it is in no way my responsibility to buy her cream. Glad to be home and relaxing . Hope youāve all had a good one. Stay safe and sober out there.
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Day 1713 AF
Took the kiddos to the County Fair yesterday. It was pretty chill.
Still working double shifts right now, tired but Iām managing.
I hope everyoneās doing well.
Take care. ODAAT
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This. Thank you for the reminder. Alcoholic and Addict is forever. Whether we die from it is up to us. I am committed to doing the work, whatever it takes, just for today. Iāll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Checking in day 343. FIFA Pride Match is tomorrow here, Iran vs Egypt. I love Seattle. Pride.
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Day 26
Missed yesterdayās check in as I was ridiculously busy and anxiety was driving everything. Iāve got a lot coming up in the next few weeks and I am struggling to get in the right headspace for it. Lots of negative loops in my head that I need to work on stopping. Today is just as busy.
Have a good one everyone 
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2575
The Dutch Met Office issued a code red for the expected heat today, first saying to stay inside. But then realizing (duh) that many houses arenāt build for this kind of weather so now saying to look for cooling anywhere. And do as little as possible besides drink water. The public library that hosts my Friday writing club has AC. So thatās where I will be this afternoon.
Had a surprisingly good night under the circumstances. Glad I missed the Dutch play their world cup match. My sleep comes first. Who would have thought that ten years ago? Iāll probably wil be up for the 3 am knockout match against Morocco Tuesday morning though.
Leyla has an insatiable appetite. I canāt go to the kitchen without her demanding more food. Insistently. Well, itās a cat, and one who lived her life in the street at that. It must have been really hard. Glad I have her with me now.
Letās all make today as good a day as we possibly can friends. Make it sober and clean or nothing will come off it. Drink plenty of water. Pic is from my bike ride yesterday very early morning. Left at dawn, was back home before 11. Still a bit too hot. Much love from Leyla and me.
@Techno_Tequila However busy, thereās always time for a quick check in. Iād say. For accountability. Glad youāre here 
@RaggedTrouseredPhil A grand dude who is now a Granddude! Great stuff. Huge congrats friend.
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