I wish I could say Daniel and I’s addiction only affected us. Though it would be a complete lie to make such a statement. It affected literally everyone around us. But there is two little innocent souls it affected the absolute most, two little souls it continues and will continue for the rest of their lives to affect. Daniel and Adriana, our beautiful babies. With having two addicts as parents, chances are high that one, if not both will at some point or another struggle with addiction. This fact terrifies me. It’s a sobering reality that many parents face. The speed and fury at which addiction can progress if it ever does grab hold of them is what scares me the most. Our son is a mini Dan and our daughter, just like me.
Daniel and I’s addiction was fierce. Not that everyone’s isn’t but we both hit very lows in a very short amount of time. The fact that we had fierce addictions that wanted us dead fast and succeeded in making that happen with Daniel, does not make us more addicted than others. However it does make me afraid for our kids. It is utterly terrifying to think about the degrees of hell in which they will walk should they ever fall prey to addictions cold icy hands.
I hope they will forever know they are proof that life wins. That love sustains. I hope as they grow into adults they are able to see the beauty behind their fathers tragedy. That it holds a story unlike any other. A story of hope. A story of redemption even in the face of such loss. I hope they see we were fighting a war. That it was a brutal war. A battle that should have taken both of us in complete honesty. A war that took place inside our heads yet it was able to blacken our hearts and tarnish our souls. A war that cost us and them, so very greatly.
I pray as they grow older they understand that they can find hope before becoming hopeless. They can know freedom without being chained. They can find happiness without knowing despair. That they can live a fulfilling life. I pray they allow their mother and fathers story to be their way out. I pray they allow our story to be their escape. I pray they Let our scars forever be their saving grace.
There is coming a day when my children will ask and I will have to answer, for my part in the loss of their father. My part in our addiction and use together. I pray they offer me mercy on that day. Until then I will continue to do the next right thing. I will show my remorse and apologize by and through my sobriety. Instead of the notion “I’d die for my children” I will choose to live and live well for mine. Because no, I can’t go back and rewrite the past, life rewinds for no one and allows no redos. However though, going forward I can choose life, I can choose hope in this seemingly hopeless situation. I can show them what restoration is. I can prove not all stories end in tragedy, some of us really do recover. I can continue to make something beautiful for them out of all this destruction at ground zero. That is what I can do and I will, come what may, I will.
