Thanks for offering help @Rachael17. Its indeed crazy how quickly we forget the come down hell. One or two days after and im already thinking about the demon! @Natnat i used to go to group meetings and i loved it but after so many months clean i got lazy and stopped attending the meetings. Im also like you described: my last use, my last party, my last this etc. It never ends, we are always trying to find excuses to use it. Its a powerful drug!
My problem now is that i will be on vacation for the next four weeks. Being off work with all this free time im already starting to think about doing coke again. 
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Yes I understand the lazy bit as well. Thatās what happened to me I dropped my meetings thinking I knew it all and I was ok my ego took over and I used on it ā¦ Your right itās bloody hard work being clean but they joy it brings is fantastic. Maybe spend the 4 weeks off going to different meetings and meeting new class friends ā¦ try And get your clean passion back . Cos your worth a life away from the devilās dust x
I relapsed again today. Didnt even last two days this time was even worse. time to reset the app and move on. Sighā¦
Iām afraid thatās what happens to alot of people when relapse happens itās hard to get sobriety again. What r u gonna do to make sure u donāt relapse again? U need to put your all into recovery like u do your using x
I plan to go back to the meetings once i come back from vacation. Im planning to go to a place far away from here so i dont stay idle in a place full of triggers. Yesterday was bad, wife said she would leave the house and take the kids and when i was high i even thought that was the best choice. That it would be my freedom back to me. What a fool! After i sobered up and i went to her and told her everything about my coke (which she knew about it) and sex addiction which she had no idea about. No more secrets. I opened up my heart and accepted if she still wanted to leave. I need to be responsible for my own choices. But deep inside, i dont wanna lose the family.
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Thatās great u opened up to your wife . I hope now itās out in the open u can start to heal . Years ago when I was married I didnāt care that it was breaking up cos that ment my husband would move out and have my kids a few nights a week so I could carry on using I look back now and realise how sick of addiction I was back then with the coke ā¦ it will take every thing u love if u donāt do recovery now . I had that pattern for years then got introduced to crack. And then heroin followed shortly after. Thatās when I was finally honest with myself and my family. I hid behind drugs for years .please fight for yourself and family. I ended up homeless and lost my kids and wished so much I got help sooner. But my pride stopped me from getting help I really believed I could get clean on my own. How wrong with I x
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I feel like that sometimes but i know it will be the biggest mistAke i will make in life. Wow, you have been thru coke, crack and then heroin and now you are clean, thats amazing! You must have so much wisdom to share with people here and thats awesome. I love this place now 
Going back to the addiction problem: what if you accept to die? What if you accept living this life of self destruction till the end? What would be the problem in that? Thats a question i posted many times in meetings.
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Oh yes I asked myself that so many times ā¦ but I totally surrenderd to my addiction. It will always beat me . My children are 22 and 16 now and I really have damaged my 16 year old she has mental health problems and self harms. I hate myself and blame myself so much for her problems so I have to be clean to support her daily needs . I enjoy my life today and get a bigger buzz by helping others through the 12 steps programme. When i can help someone and watch them grow into what they want to be filled me with joy ā¦ I sometimes think I was ment to go through this so I can be the person I am today . Maybe my purpose in life is to help others see we can recoverā¦ I just know I canāt take drugs ever again cos Iām not sure i could have another recovery In me x
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I also like to help the others and i think its good for us. I also dont want to damage my kids, they are 4 and 7. The 7 one is starting to understand something is off with me when my high. Soon she will know her father is what he is. She also has insecurties because all the stress at home. I know i need to be there for them but sometimes i think i might do more harm being close to them. But then the death of a father is probably the biggest harm in their young lives.
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Thatās why u r doing the best thing ever and doing recovery. Keep on helping others cos we need to give the gift away to keep it . Your children are young enough to forget any stress. I promise you your worth a life away from the devilās dust x
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I believe you thanks for all the support words, from you and everyone. I was enjoying my life sober and im confident i can do it again 
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Some wise and harsh words, i welcome them. However one misconception: death is not for cowards or the weak.
Clinical depression and suicide is a disease. We dont call cancer patients weak for developing cancer. And we (we dont but a lot of ānormalā people do call) dont call addicts weak or cowards because then cant stop using their DOC. Addiction is a chronic disease. All the 3 of them are diseases and one is not weak for catching or developing a disease.
The rest of your post i agree 100%. āQuitting for the kidsā is a big mistake. And yes, i know what is right, we all know, but addiction also means deception. We are all deceiving ourselves when trying to find excuses or justifying our use. Its like our brain is hijacked and starts telling us lies.
Another thing we shouldnt care that much is humiliation. Pride is for nothing. If you accept what you are, theres no humiliation at all. Now if you hate what you are, its another problem. And also dont people talk about buddhism or whatnot where they believe in acceptance of everything in life? Have you heard something like āthe more you fight/resist something the worse it gets youā? If these are true for so many aspects of life, why isnt that true for addiction?
Anyway, thanks for the words, im doing better and im very confident i will kick this demon to the curb again for a very long period of time. I did before and i just caved in because i was fed up and bored with my life, it wasnt because of urges and cravings. I consciously said āfuck it im not fighting now, i will do it and face the consequencesā.
That could be also another set of lies and deception on our addicted brains though 
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Im not saying accepting addiction is the way to go. Im just debating about the problem and try to be open minded about. I belive that, like everything in life, addiction is not a black and white situation. Its different even from person to person, so what works for one might not work for someone else. Everything is relative. Im trying to understand and apply some wisdom from people here and shAre what worked out for me. Thats whats nice about this place, so many different people with different advises. Every session i went to the NA i left with something new learned. Im glad you are doing better. And yes, working out and running helps a lot, i do the same if pharmaceutical companies could bottle all the physical and mental benefits of exercise and sell it, im sure it would be an amazing success 
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