Hi everyone, im new to this app. I was reading the stories about relapse and i decided to post here to see if i can get some support from you guys. Long story short: ive been on cocaine for more than 10 years. The past year i managed to stay clean for 307 days. It became easy to stay clean and i stopped thinking about the coke completely. I became arrogant i think, thinking i could control the demon again. And i was in a boring period of my life so i thought “a few lines here and there. I can handle that now”. Ha. Here iam in the end of a 2 day binge, after heavy use 2 weeks ago, missing work 3 days. To make matters more difficult to me my wife is not a positive person. In all these 10 years she stayed with me, never left me but she was never able to give me support. Not even with nice words. She gets extremely angry with the relapses and she says stuff like “its a cycle, you can never get out of it. Stop fooling yourself you will never quit this poison”. Even after 307days clean.
Those are difficult words to hear specially in the coming down phase. I thought about asking divorce and go back full on to my old life of cocaine, alcohol and parties till i die. I have two kids, they are everything to me but maybe if im high 24/7 i wont miss the family. I know its stupid. But if they cant support me, or at least give me some nice words, why should i care? I was always self destructive, should have never ever had a family. Thanks for hearing my words.
I don’t have the same exact story but I can really relate to you I’ve been doing heroin and meth for 28 years but I haven’t done it in the last 134 days I’m in a program called Alcoholics Anonymous I have a sponsor and I have a homegroup and living the program is how I stay sober day by day go to a meeting and get a sponsor and give the 12 steps a try and if you don’t like it then at least you tried stay safe brother
You were clean for 307 days M. You weren’t self destructive then. You’re here now. That’s not out of a wish to self destruct, that’s wanting to get clean and sober. Welcome.
Your kids are everything to you you say. You know they don’t want to see their dad self destruct. They want to see their dad. Period. You don’t say you love your wife or not. You don’t say either (but it seems not) if your wife has any experience herself with addiction. Must be tough on her seeing the man she loves (not sure, just guessing) and the father of her kids self destruct.
Over here we get it. Addiction can be a vicious cycle of use, relapse, self harm and self destruction. Here you’ll meet no judgement. There is a way out. For everybody. With help. You have to find out for yourself what that way is. Might be NA or AA something like that can help you. It helped a lot of people here. Might be something else. Therapy. Rehab. Might be a combinatiomn. Lots of possibilities. You can’t do it alone. No one can. Alone means death. Self destruction indeed. Together we got a chance. Happy you are here, it says to me you want to do something about it. Success friend.
I had 100 days of sobriety a few years ago. If I did it once, I can do it again.
Not trying to be blunt or anything, but your kids needs a dad. I am a father of 3. These kids kept me going for the last 18 years. I am destructive and they remind me to stay strong! You go can do this my friend. Work the programme. One day at a time.
A lot of that sounds familiar to me. One time I was talking to my wife about me wanting to live normal but feeling I needed a blow out every once in a while to get it out of my system. She calmly asked if I thought it would be ok if she needed to do the same… part of me wished she would and the other part was glad she had no idea about the tug towards FUCK IT. We can’t blame them for noticing that we fuck up again and again. I’ve 4 kids and love the bones of them. It went through my head that they would be better without me… but that’s pure shite… they need me. Yours need you. If you’re here you know that. Hope you keep checking in to see how you’re getting on.
Thanks for the words everyone, i feel less alone with you guys here 
I was self destructive but not anymore. Like @Kmcc123 said, i used to think i needed blow once in a while just to release stress and tension build up. I even thought about making a pact with wife “let me schedule one day of the month to grt HAF”. Of course that doesnt work. Now all i want is a normal, “boring life” with them. To @RBG, thats what i always told her. It used to be coke every other day but in the past 2 years ive been doing lots of 90 days clean. So yeah, i can do that again. Too bad she doesnt think this way. To all the others: i always read that when we stay clean for the others, for kids, family, etc. It doesnt last. Its not the right way to do it. We have to want to be clean for ourselves. I believe that. Sigh, its just a shitty period now, i know it will pass though. Im confident we can win this fight.
Why you should care… Only you can answer that. But I would have thought the fact that your wife has stuck around for the 10+ years you have been using cocaine is a pretty good place to start. You say she hasn’t been supportive, but the people close to addicts have a right to be cautious. It is heartbreaking watching someone you care about fall down the rabbit hole over and over again and often people don’t want to get their hopes up.
You have done some stretches of 90 days and also a long stretch of 307 days, that’s such a good foundation to build on. You have identified that you got arrogant, which means you can take steps to avoid that happening again.
It sounds like you feel like you need some more support… We all do! Being able to talk to people who get it really helps. This app is a great place to start. Read, read, read some more. Keep checking in and reach out whenever you need to. There are also lots of groups (NA, SMART, Refuge Recovery, Recovery Dharma, Celebrate Recovery…) which might be worth looking in to, if you haven’t already 
To stick with you for 10 years, through lots of active addiction says a lot about the woman.
The actions speak louder than words there.
Living with an addict/alcoholic is a tough life to live, it doesn’t just affect the user but the family that surrounds them too. They can get frustrated, that’s their right.
You made it 10 months, and forgot what you quit for, sounds like a good time to double down and do more this time around.
What are you willing to do this time? @Mno gave some great advice, I’d read it 3 times and really soak it up
@siand and @CaptAZ thats why i joined this app, to have more people to talk with and get some support. I agree with you, she loves or loved me a lot to stay with me for 10+ years. Living with a cocaine addict is hell. But i guess shes starting to get tired of it. Another thing id like to share about me: i had always this devil may care attitude in life. I accepted me the way i was, addicted to coke and ready to die young. I was totally fine with that and didnt wanna change it because “life was fun”. That was the picture i painted of myself. However when i had my first kid, 7 years ago, all that recklessness was gone, like a switch. Immediately i started feeling guilty (never felt before till then) and terrible for doing blow and it kinda stopped being fun. Thats when i decided to stop. But it got worse, way worse. The binges were huge after the kid, while before kids i had everything “under control”. Family life wasnt as fun as parties with tons coke and alcohol. My wife once said “so you are blaming us for making you worse?” 
I just wanna care again and want to stop, the last two weeks i felt like sending it all to hell, get a divorce and go back to “the life i was meant to have”. Sigh…
Worth to mention also that my only brother committed suicide 20+years ago and i tend to relaspse around the anniversary of his death or birthday (two weeks from now). Maybe im just trying to find an excuse? @CaptAZ im willing to do what i was doing before to control it. I even mentioned to my counselor that “it got too easy to stay off coke”. Big mistake. Im also reading everyone’s advices. thanks for the words, its much appreciated.
This whole thread means a lot to me. Question and replies. Thanks everyone. It’s tough for us and just as tough for them. They want it as much as we do, and we’re all hoping. They reasonably think that it’s in our hands to, just do the right thing. We are here. Wanting to be better. That’s a great place to start. I need to start new every day… my wife doesn’t… It takes many days for her to begin to feel the release from my addictions… to relax those tense muscles. That’s out of my control. I can only try to stay cool and work on myself… and hope that the rest will follow.
@Kmcc123 i found this app to be amazing with so many people to share thoughts. I also agree with you, after the relapse im confident i can stay clean again but it takes way more time for our wives to be confident again.
It is amazing the relief to hear from people who understand. It helps me to … Keep doing the right thing… knowing that other people find this simple thing tough too
@Pman you do not sound like a loser to me. 307 days is something to be very proud of, and it seems to me you already know what happened. You became complacent. Complacency is the enemy in all areas of life. It damages our relationships and hurts our recovery. Keep your head up man , you can do this
Thanks @Dust! If we want to stop it, we can make it. Problem is when doubts arise. I sometimes miss my old life.
I’m one of those fucks who truly believes in the “your worst day sober is better than your best day fucked up”.
I was terrible at life while drinking, and I can easily recall so many bad moments from when I was drunk…I can’t really drum up any bad moments sober, have I had bad days, sure I have… but are they spotlit like so many moments while drunk? Hell no.
You gotta truly believe life is better sober to make it stick cause it’s not all sunshine and unicorn farts man… it’s just more tolerable when it sucks and on a higher plain when it’s good.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m struggling hard with coke addiction, I live in Las Vegas and it’s everywhere. I can’t get away from it and I’ve relapsed more times then I can count. The come down after a two day binge is absolute hell and it’s so weird how quickly we forget that feeling, but I bet it’s even harder to deal with that when someone is torchuring you with shaming and anger. I promise you tho, the addiction will follow you and you’ll be in even more hell if you find yourself alone with your lowlife friends and no family to go home to. Coke is not only addictive it’s habituating and it lies to you. It makes us lie to ourselves. But keep fighting it, once you loose control and it starts chipping away at your life like you can’t go to work etc. then you have to fight for your life and get back on the wagon. Coke is killing you no matter how glamorous everyone makes it seem. Trust me, I’m around rich and powerful coke heads all the time who make it look like a sexy drug but those guys are all just struggling with addiction and depression too at the end of the day. If you want a cocaine sponsor to talk to when it gets hard to resist I’m here. I fight this drug every day
Hi and welcome congratulations on your clean time … if u need support I suggest reading up on here loads and reaching out . Also why not try a ca meeting that way u have a big support network around u and not have to rely on your wife … the thing is if u are anything like me it was always my last binge my last party my last … and 20 years later I was lost broken and homeless… this illness of addiction is evil it wants us in the gutter . Do u really wanna loose your family to have a life on coke ? My family said the exact same words to me cos they was angry frightened and scare 4 me they moan cos they care … after a 2 day bender no wife or husband is gonna say hi hunni I’ll tuck u up in bed !!!
Man this is 100% me. Except that i dont even want to control it. I always used to joke with friends when going out “no holding back, ever”. I dont find fun to use substances if its moderately. Its just not fun at all. I know its a big mistake to try to go back to an old hedonistic life but my biggest problem is that i never regretted that life. I never felt it was bad or wrong. But i didnt have the responsibility of raising two kids. This is huge. I have to stop being selfish and think about my own pleasure in detriment of the children. Soon they will start to understand when their dad is high or hung over. I cant let that happen. I gave up all my social life of parties and bars for that. I miss that. But i need to be strong, if not for me, for them. Thanks for the words brother. This place is awesome, im hearing the words of wisdom and confort that my wife cant tell me.