I will… I’ve realized I haven’t completely dealt with it yet. That was wishful thinking that I had, lol! She had an extreme emotional reaction to something I said when I hadn’t yet processed how I feel about my new job. So I had to just distance myself from her and process both how I felt about my new job, AND NOW how I felt about her extreme emotional reaction. I did not like her infringing on my boundaries and having her emotions be greater than mine about MY new job…so that is why I haven’t really fully dealt with it yet. These really old behaviors aren’t easy to change. I know I will have to talk to her before this can be finished. I am still trying to figure out exactly what to say. I haven’t talked to her at all about what recovery is like. She knows I go to meetings and that’s about it. She doesn’t know how recovering alcoholics are, and that her emotional response, although she was trying to help, is counterproductive! We are trying to let go of our control of things, and it’s like she was trying to control things for me.
I definitely get that. I honestly find it amazing you’re willing to put up with having booze in the house even. I mean, I totally understand that avoiding it is not the point of recovery, really not, but it would bother me quite a bit. I’m not true and tested in that way. It just disturbs my mind a bit when there’s some in the house, and I dislike it. Luckily my bf happily humours me in that respect, he’s not a big drinker. (I always joke he never knew how much I was drinking and I never noticed how little we was drinking, actually 
🤦)
The drugs are another business though, we live in Berlin and used to go out partying regularly if not very often and my bf does miss that a bit, I know that. Due to covid not much is happening here in that respect, but I know he isn’t entirely done with recreational and rare use of party drugs, and I’m not looking forward to having to deal with that, when the time comes.
I hope you guys can come to a good spot together, and, like you say, develop your relationship further.
I understand. This is very interesting to me. So, you aspire to talk to your mother and make her understand her over-reacting isn’t good for you/won’t be indulged by you any longer/that you wished she’d stop doing that? How much do you realistically expect her to understand and or change? Do you consider this and similar conversations to be necessarily part of your extracting yourself of the codependency?
I’ve so far assumed that setting boundaries (have not successfully set any with my parents yet) and getting out of the mutual codependency would be solely my effort and responsibility. For once because of the recovery wisdom that we can’t change other people and also because if I imagine having that conversation with my mother how her over-reacting emotional behaviour is sub-par and “bad”, if I only said one sentence she’s fly in a raging fit and scream at me and loudly chastise herself and bemoan how she’s always doing everything wrong and we should all just leave her already and she’s the worst person in the world and it’s all her fault. I can’t imagine she would even hear one word of what I would have to say without feeling utterly and entirely rejected, self-hating and hating towards me too.
Honestly, the reason it didn’t bother me(alcohol in the house) originally is bc back in November, when I first said enough is enough, my urge had diminished completely. I literally did not ever think about drinking. If the thought of drinking (not even a craving) popped up, it was very easy to dismiss it immediately as I had made the connection in my mind that its poison, only out to ruin and kill me. And he was, and still is, good at keeping it to himself (usually hidden somewhere or locked in his car), but I also told him it wasnt an issue for me. Bc it wasnt, until it was, 10 days into quarantine. I didn’t see it coming. I just wanted 1, and he didn’t even notice. I love sharing this fact bc you always hear “dont have the drink that matters, the first one”. I didn’t really get that until literally 1 drink has ruined the past 4 months for me. It really only takes that first one. Not to ruin an evening, but everything you’ve worked so hard for. And the drugs are easily said NO to when alcohol isnt involved.
I found a CODA meeting that’s open tonight. I’m going to go check it out.
Coda is just an behavioral addiction to my knowledge.
Addiction is a disease that can manifest in so many ways. Substances being one of the options.
“I drink to make other people interesting”
- Earnest Hemingway.
This is a recovery quote for me. Because this is for sure one of the reasons I used.
How can you be codependent if one of the reasons you drink is just to make being around most people tolerable??
@Faugxh Mental health has been the current theme of my life lately, so I just wanted to say thanks for the recommendation on mentalpod.com!! I started downloading and listening to the podcasts. Super stoked. Thanks for sharing!!
Oh god yes, you’re so welcome! 
My fav podcast ever so far really. Paul is genius, helps me so much in my journey. Enjoy!
I think all or nothing blanket statements are usually wrong. But I totally see where the thought comes from.
I only know I am one.
I think.
I mean my latest revelations of being ridiculously needy and fear of abandonment and being a people pleaser…
Does that mean I’m a codependent?
I am working on these things.
Seeing them…huge step.
Not blaming anyone but me.
But also not shaming myself and getting depressed.
Wanting to be a mental and spiritual grown up.
Striving to change.
Catching myself in the act and putting on the breaks.
Replacing old behaviors with healthy ones.
I’m going to watch that vid.
Have you read CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie? Might be a good place to start. I also found The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown very insightful. 
This thread is so nourishing for me to read! Thank you for this all. Coda is my primary program. Good to meet people that relate
No. But will add to my list. Thanks!
I just put a hold on both audiobooks through my library❤️
I couldn’t agree more!! I’m a year clean but still having trouble with codependency 
I’m currently in a relationship where both of us are recovering addicts n we’re both codependent. I have a lil girl with him n one on the way. Everyday it’s a struggle… We are both working on ourselves but at the same time it doesn’t feel like things are getting better. There’s still verbal n mental abuse but no more physical (as of lately). My therapist thinks he’s more of a narcissist than codependent though but he’s def both. I have such a hard time when I leave him n always come back even after a physical assault. I think that’s where my codependency plays in 🤷. If anyone has any advice for me, I’d gladly take n appreciate it!! God bless everyone!! 
Hi Michelle, this is a difficult situation! I feel for you!
I’m interested: how does your mutual codependency manifest and how are you both working on the codependency? I’m asking cos I always wonder how narcissists can get better and overcome their (shitty) personality. On the one hand, everybody can improve and become a better person, gain insight in themselves, even if it’s difficult. I fully believe that. On the other hand, I have personally experienced and come across in my (internet, cough cough) research, that narcissists often are unable to see their own actions and inner beliefs as self-centred and recognise the abuse they subject others to as what it is, abuse. Many dont manage to change, even in therapy, because their character forbids them to question themselves. I wonder what your opinion is on this.
I don’t know if I can offer any advise. What strikes me is that you say you’re both doing your best to work on things, yet it doesn’t get better. How come? I understand, sometimes things get worse on the overall way to getting better. That happens in therapy too and it happens generally when ppl start dealing with their shit, in my experience. Yet I always find at the same time, when both make an effort to get better, communicate a lot and most of all are honest to each other, there is a sense of relief and hope. One gets a feel that the journey is shared and consciously gone together, even if it’s hard for both. I literally feel a lot better even fighting with my man than when there is silence and despair.
Another thing I’m worried about is the abuse. Can you trust him not to be physically abusive anymore? Excuse me for being forward, it might not be my place. But you deserve safety, trust, sobriety, and love. A man who beats, hurts or insults you is not good enough for you and your children.
I wish you all the very best on your journey and hope to hear from you again!
We are both in therapy right now n working on both our soberity n codependency. This is my first time in this type of therapy, my last therapist was an epic fail. He’s been through this pretty much his entire life. His mother abused him n I was sexually assaulted n raped when I was 16. Sex is our biggest issue. I’m currently 8 months pregnant with our second child n honestly sex to begin with is something I struggle with n now that I’m this far along in my pregnancy, I’m super uncomfortable n my hips hurt so no, I don’t want to do it. When that happens, he gets into a mood or he’ll constantly ask me making me feel pressured to do so bc he doesn’t care how I’m feeling. He has needs he says. Most of the physical violence was bc he was drinking n this isn’t his first relapse so yes I worry about it happening again. My daughter n son from my previous marriage has witnessed the physical n mental abuse. When we fight, he takes my phone n blocks me from leaving every time. He was doing really good in therapy but now he says that he doesn’t feel like it’s working n wants to find a new therapist. Just now he came downstairs while on break from iop n asked for a quickie. I say no n he asked several times after that. I didn’t do it so he went back upstairs to do his therapy. I don’t feel like he’s taking it seriously (the therapy) but he is now court ordered to do it bc of the charges against him when he assaulted me last oct. He also has to take a woman’s beater class which he says is ridiculous. He threw me across my daughters bdrm n pinned me down, covering my mouth but he thinks he doesn’t need to take these classes??
Omg this sounds a terrible way to live for you and your children… Your worth so much more then this … I damaged my daughter by being in a drug fuelled toxic relationship he would smash windows hurt me and like a fool I would go back he would always acuse me of cheating the list goes on … my daughter is in theopy cos of what she’s seen it’s not right I wouldn’t wish this on anyone… where r u from ? Have u tried to leave him ? Why do u feel you deserve to be treated this way ? I wish I could sit u down and talk to you … Today I’m free of this drama and me and my daughter are doing amazing. You can too x
That’s so great to hear !! I’m living in Pittsburgh PA right now but trying to move back home (the country lol). My other two kids live with their dad bc they aren’t city kids at all so I didn’t then going to school here not to mention I didn’t want them seeing us fight all the time. They live 2 hours away n I’m trying to move back that way. My therapist is helping in any way she can. Idk why I keep coming back though. I have family but they are also addicts n I’m afraid of relapsing. My mom just passed away 2 months ago from cancer n my dad isn’t the nicest person to live with plus my sis lives there with her 4 kids so it’s already a full house. My twin sister n my brother are still on Suboxone (that’s what I’m recovering from) n I believe I have the will power to not use again but idk… My son is currently mad at me (he’s 12 so he’s not stupid) but I totally understand why he’s mad at me. He wants me to stay away but from some stupid reason, I keep coming back. My boyfriend likes to throw in my face that if I left, I’d be breaking up another family n no mother wants to do that. I feel horrible for even leaving my ex husband but at the same time I know I’m doing more damage by staying in the toxic relationship.