I completely understand what your going through I’m a ex heroin addict and know the pain of getting off subs … is there any woman shelters you can go to ? A safe place for you and kids ? I know it’s so hard when we are in love … my partner is like a drug to me I kept going back … only you can make these changes and chooses if u ever need a friend please inbox me. X your not alone x
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Thank you so much. There are many shelters but with the covid crap, it concerns me too go to one being pregnant n having a 18 month, a 8yr old n a 12yr old, ya know?? Another concern I have is that he’s been through all this therapy stuff a million times so he knows what to say n how to get through it all without anyone raising an eyebrow.
I really do appreciate you taking the time n talking to me about all this. He even wanted to get this same app n for me it’s therapy n my therapist suggests that we do therapy separate unless it’s couples therapy. I believe the only reason he wanted this app is bc if the chatting n wants to keep an eye on what I’m talking about n who I’m talking to bc I can’t have social media accounts. I’m fine without the stupid accounts but I was not ok with him wanting to do that. There’s plenty of other sober apps he can get so there’s no reason why he can’t get one of those n help others on em. I know it’s a control thing n that’s not the only thing he controls. I was so strong before I got with him n took no shit from anyone but for some reason I continue to stay with him. I was never controlled either though so it’s very new to me. I left my ex husband bc he is also addicted to Suboxone n I thought if I left him, I would have a better chance at getting sober n honestly I did but at no point in our 16yr relationship did he ever abuse me. Sure we had our arguments n names were called but nothing huge. I hurt him really bad by leaving esp leaving him for my current boyfriend which he knows is abusive n still struggling with that bc he just doesn’t understand why I never came back to him like I do now with my current bf. I can’t explain it either… I tried a couple times to work it out with him when I left but my current bf would reel me back in saying he’ll change n he would for a lil while but things ALWAYS goes back to the abuse (about every 3 months). The struggle is honestly real n I’m trying really hard to find the courage n strength to do this on my own but I lost a lot of myself throughout this relationship.
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Your gonna find yourself again I promise you. I can relate so much. Love addiction is as powerful as drug addiction we get so blinded and want the fairytail! We just need help and support to find it deep inside to let go . Have u looked into coda meetings? I’ve just started to do them and it’s helping me to find my self worth x
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No I’ve never heard of them. How do I get involved with that?? (Sorry I have stood OCD n I always have to put two question marks or exclamation marks. Odd numbers drive me crazy lol)
I’m in UK but I googled coda meetings and they come up in your area and times for zoom meetings. They are really interesting. I’m learning so much about the way I’m codependent and it’s helping me to set boundaries without feeling guilty all the time x
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Thank you so much!! 
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The Gifts of Imperfection is really good
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I’ll chime in with my 2 cents. I dont think codependency exists. As a concept that tries to characterize the behaviors of people that love addicts I believe it is deeply flawed and downright wrong. I personally think the term codependency should be wiped from our lexicons.
Im not saying this to be contridictory, it is something I believe very passionately. I saw that there were a number of people in CODA groups here and I hope its not upsetting to hear me say that.
Codependency is I believed treated as an addiction in its own right. Our addiction to others, their opinions, actions, thoughts, emotions. To not live our own lives for ourselves but in the expectations we have of others and in their lives.
I don’t know if you think the entire phenomenon is mislabelled or that it doesn’t really exist. The latter would be pretty upsetting and narrow minded. But as a codependent I should learn not to care that much. Haha. 🤷
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Ive never heard of codependency being treated as its own addiction. Im not really sure how to feel about that. I dont think codependency should be treated like a disease. That would make me sad if that is the case.
I dont think the phenomenon of codependency is false. Im not sure if mislabelled is the right word either.
I dont think that people should be shamed for loving who they love. Nor should they be called an enabler or codependent trying to cope with their lives as best they know how.
The best way I can describe it is using an analogy. Im assuming that we are treating addiction as a disease, which seems to be pretty universal now.
If there were a woman and her husband had, say, cancer and she was sitting by his bed day and night, neglecting herself, forgetting to eat, caring more for her husband’s well being then her own, experiencing erratic emotional outbursts, we would not call her a codependents. We wouldnt shame her or tell her that anything was wrong with the way she was behaving. We would say omg youre an angel, selfless, loving, strong and compassionate. If she were our friend we would cook and bring her meals, give her hugs, pick up or watch her children from school. We would show them an infinite amount of compassion and support. But as soon as you take the word cancer and replace it with addiction, oh now youre a codependent, now something is wrong with you.
I say no there is absolutely nothing wrong with loving who you love. In addiction your world has been absolutely shattered and youre left picking up the pieces as beat you know how. And control and all the other behavior. that come with that are a perfectly natural reaponse to such trauma. I dont believe anyone needs to be told theyre a codependent for trying to patch their lives back together in the midst of their world crumbling to addiction and its consequences.
I dont believe anyone should be labelled a codependent. We need to show them that infinite amount of compassion and love we would anyone else going through something they did not ask for and probably could have never comprehended.
Your concept of codependency is wrong. There is love and there is the need to give up your own life, aspirations and responsibility for yourself hidden behind “care” of another, “worry” for another, the need to control, please, manage others. Love and codependency can coexist. But one is for the other, one is for oneself, disguised as for the other.
The lady in your example might well not be codependent. Or she might be. We don’t know.
Your assumptions of how we would respond to her are also false generalisations, I personally would not encourage self neglect. Having known what it’s like to lose reality and psychological security, I would always always advise self care. If you go mad or become sick, your husband/dependent will not get your help anyway.
I also feel that you have a personal agenda, you don’t wanna be shamed. Well, no one is shaming you. And codependents aren’t shamed either. We are suffering from a need to take responsibility for everyone but ourselves. And we take this responsibility back by learning about and dealing with these character traits. We take responsibility back. We don’t need saved by you and told our love is ok. We are fine working on ourselves.
Lastly your concept of love needs examined. I feel it’s not very thought through and you’re using it expansively because “well surely nobody can argue against love”. Sorry if this sounds arrogant. The codependent in me feels the need to argue with you and make you see the light and understand, but the recovering codependent knows I’m not responsible for your lack of knowledge or your harmful believes. I’m not your educator.
I wish you well in your recovery. No one’s shaming you, or us for that matter. All the best to you.
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Im sorry. There may have been a disconnect. The only personal agenda I had was trying to paraphrase Dr Wiess and his thoughts and ideas on codependency.
Im not sure how my ideas are harmful. I’d argue the exact opposite. Within the treatment world and society at large people who are labelled as codependent are seen as inherently flawed and I dont think thats the case.
It was born in the 60s and 70s when women really did need an identity of their own. Youll find though that the people who ushered this idea into existence have since said it has not been a good treatment modality.
Oh yikes I editted it to say not upsetting. Yeah that was a really bad mistake on my part. I had to do a double take there. Thanks for bringing thst to my attention. Sorry.
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Man, you had me freaking out lol. I’m glad it’s not actually the case 
No need to apologize, it was an honest mistake and you fixed it 