OK so now my hubby is reading a book on codependency, its called co-dependant no more - I am not sure what that even is but he seems to think he fits the bill! Any thoughts folks?
Thatās actually a great book. A lot of friends and family of alcoholics are codependents. It looks like heās starting to work on himselfā¦good sign.
3 Likes
What Iāve been told,not from professionals if u use one drug to take the place of another. I guess I brought it up before I have trouble sleeping so I was thinking about weed before bedā¦ Then the everyone said a drug is a drug thatās not the way to get straight. If anyone has a better way to explain Iām reading to! Stay strong
Thanks once again @Oliverjava you could be my life coach!! I think maybe we are both co Dependant, we have been tryingbto be self sufficient in every way over the past three years and I think it has taken its toll on our relationship big time! I am going to read the book too!
2 Likes
Thatās a really great book - by Melodie Beattieā¦? Iāve learnt a lot from that book. Yes it looks like heās trying to understand himself better. I believe we all have codependent traits no matter what our specific drug or behaviour of choice.
1 Like
Hi @Jasmine69. Ugh bringing back some memories. I believe I read this book years ago. I had a co-dependent relationship with a best friend of mine, and it wasnāt even really about drugs or alcohol or anything! But it got weird, because it turned out he had feelings for me, and we both tried to keep our friendship going despite that. But I remember drinking a lot before I called him, because it was just so uncomfortable and painful. Anyway it definitely is a thing!
1 Like
Hi, a question - were you able to keep the friendship going although he had feelings for you? Is friendship possible between for example two people who break up and one still has feelings? Just curious about your thoughtsā¦ This is my current situation too.
1 Like
Ugh I can relate to all of this, although my story isnāt exactly the same. Iām currently trying to unravel myself from a 20 year toxic relationship with my husband who Iām separated from but weāre both so codependent itās sickening. What if we both still have feelings but hate each other at the same time?? I go to Al-anon and itās been so helpful! Weāre both in recovery and work AA, but Al-anon has helped me so much with all my relationships and codependency. I found an Al-anon meeting thatās just sober women and Iām love it! I know they have CoDa meetings too but this is working wonders for me. I can be around him now without falling for his bullshitā¦that used to land me back in his armsā¦or bed lol. 
Yes, that is a great book. It will help him grow as an individual person as you are growing in your recovery. I hope it opens the door of communication for the two of you as a couple.
Jeez, I didnāt realize this thread was so old.
Lolā¦ oups, I guess I revived it. I did a search under co-dependency 
really appreciating reading anything I can that makes me feel less alone.
Iām tagging in @Bomdhil because what I was discussing in the āchecking in dailyā thread ties into this topic. I brought up āthe sacred Noā and for me it all really comes down to codependency.
In the book āCodependent No Moreā she talks about a few different variations of codependency. One being the spouse or loved one of a substance abuser who ācares too muchā about the user to focus on anything else in their own lives. Their life revolves around trying to control the user, then making excuses for them when they use. Classic enabler type stuff.
The type I most relate to is the rescuer/caretaker/people pleaser Codependent.
What it comes down to is my self esteem and my self worth. I canāt count the number of times I have jumped in to try to help someone who A. Didnāt need my help or B. I could not help either lack of time or experience. Other times I would be asked if I could do something and I just could not say āNOā.
It especially happened at work, I would put work before everything else including myself and my needs.
That was my people pleasing. My rescuing/ care-taking was more a fear of conflict, if I recognized someone was sad or distraught, rather than let them feel their feelings and deal on their own, I would come to the rescue and tell them how to feel and why not to be sad or distraught because those feelings made me uncomfortable. I canāt tell you how many times I did this to my wife. (A message to all men: women do not come to us to solve their problems, they just want some compassion and validation of their feelings) I was a āfixerā, if you came to me to talk you were leaving with a list of all the things you should be doing. No wonder my wife left me, she never felt heard and I never felt like she was taking my advice seriously. Which is where the addiction comes in for me: my attempts to ārescueā are ignored so I become victimized which leads me to addictive behavior because āI deserve itā.
The solution lies in being able to differentiate what I can and canāt control; first on the canāt control list is other people. Also allowing adults to be adults; not doing something for an adult that they can do for themselves, no matter how hard it is to watch. I can offer guidance but I canāt do the work for them. I practice this at work and by sponsoring people in my recovery group.
All this comes with self love and self care. Setting boundaries, believing that I am worthwhile and that my time is valuable to me.
Donāt get me wrong I love helping others, it gives me great joy to give back. But I can only help those who are ready to accept and I can only do my part. It is much more rewarding when I let someone figure out something on their own than to get in there and do it for them, then wonder why they arenāt thanking me! Ha!
Without writing my own book on codependency this is as far as I can go right now. Tell me some stories of how people pleasing doesnāt work for you!
4 Likes
O boy!! We have a lot in common. For a moment I thought you were describing me. It is good to know that someone has the capacity to put in words what is happening to you. Thank you @SmokeyMirror
1 Like
Song thisnis me in a nutshell. Iāve been examining this lately. Thanks for sharing.