I just can’t do it. The times that I am able to moderate, it takes every ounce of energy for me to restrain. Very unhealthy to obsess like that. It’s honestly just easier for me to not drink. Fixation on cutting it down, or when I will be allowed to drink again isn’t the way. The fact that I’ve come to terms with this is liberating in a sense. Almost a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I just have to not drink today, and remain vigilant.
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Ah yes, the realization that 1 is too many & a thousand wouldn’t be enough. I can identify too, Alex.
The next big one I learned from many a fellow talking about a recent relapse was—that not one of them ever have said that they were so damn glad they tried drinking again… don’t think I ever will.
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What I find is some days I might have been able to moderate occasionally BUT the problem with that was, it was completely random, unpredictable. What I mean is, one day I might be able to have just a few, so I think great I can do this but then the next time I decide to drink I might find it near impossible to stop and it always seemed so random. So I never knew how much I would or wouldn’t drink or how drunk I would get, which was kind of scary…it’s like a trap. A gamble…does that make sense,? Lol
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Oh man - “1 is too many and 1,000 is never enough” - so well said. That was exactly how I felt!! So happy to have you all, and to be present!!
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I am glad you have to come to this realisation.
I was in a similar situation.
What scared me the most is just how much I would drink when I was on it.
There were some nights when I could moderate it, but I would more than make up for it on the night’s when I didn’t.
Overall, my trajectory was a downward one… if I moderated my drinking that just gave me licence to let rip when I got on it again.
Be proud of reaching this realisation, you might have just saved your life.
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The book Alcoholics Anonymous is very clear on this point.
Chapter 3
MORE ABOUT ALCOHOLISM
Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
I’m very glad that you and @G-Stryfe did not have to suffer the debilitating consequences some of us, me included, had to endure. So many drunks don’t make it out alive.
The idea of “control and enjoy” was key for me to get a real grasp in my alcoholic thinking. When I controlled my drinking, just one or two, I most definitely did not enjoy it, and when I drank the way I wanted to, it was out of control.
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How is Day 2 going for you?
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It makes perfect sense! I feel that all of the way.
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Day two has been pretty good! No cravings yet, so that’s good. They will boomerang around eventually. I just really need to keep my guard up and remember that the booze is just an artificial feeling that always screws me in the end 
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I am in the same place. It is so exhausting controlling the drinking and I’m tired of the battle and very over the times I loose against the binging urges. I feel your pain!
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Right!? Honestly, for me it’s a lot easier to abstain completely. It’s waaaay too risky for me trying to balance moser. I know deep down inside I want to get loaded every time I have “a few drinks”. Fuck that
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It IS a weight lifted!
Especially when you get some proper soberiety under your belt, you’ll look back and think how bad it was to live in that state of torment
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It truly is freedom to realise this. 
Well I’m at the beginning of the journey after not winning the just have a couple beers for the last time. I definitely don’t have crazy urges to drink but it’s the social aspect and thinking of how my anxiety will be in those situations. I am giving myself anxiety just thinking about it lol. But I know it’s the best move for me
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