I hate communication, it is something I’m not good at. I try to learn and train myself to be better at. I’m still cannot make it 2 days without me an my fiancé arguing over nonsense because of communication issues.
We decided to go to the movies, she like to wait last minute and leave and doesn’t really care about credits, I want to be early or on time, so the movie starts at 7:45 and we start to leave the house at 7:35. We are 20 min from the theaters. I get frustrated but not like I used to and she ask if I don’t want to go and instead wait. I say I don’t want to go and if rather wait, but then she storms off back into the room. Now I’m confused on why she is mad, she asked and I answered. I try to tell her I’ll be fine to go but she denies and says I’ll just be grumpy the whole time which I did not think I would because I said what I wanted and knew I wasn’t gonna win so yeah.
Anyways we are waiting till 9 but she goes straight to work when she stormed off so it’s like instead of being honest I feel she was frustrated with work and took it out on me or maybe she is upset at the fact that I have good time management when I want something and not when I used to go out with my friends and come home later then discussed, I wish if that the case she would just be honest and tell me, this is what she means and it just pisses her off when she sees me want to be on time to a movie and not be home after a night.
Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? I’m still learning how to compromise in my relationship, and it almost always involves me asking “What do you want?”, rather than taking questions and comments at face value.
In business, I train my team of developers to understand the question under the question. The stakeholder says they need a report - what are they going to do with it? Is there another way to get the information? What other conditions does their request ignore?
In my relationship, I have found that offers of conciliation (“Do you want to go now or would you rather wait?”) are best recognized as kind gestures and an opportunity for you to let your agenda go “We’re already on the way, let’s continue on. I really like that you offered, but I’m ok with going now.”
Many years ago, I was mooning over a girlfriend who lived in Pittsburgh, about 200 miles from me, and told my buddy how much I missed her. He said “I’ll drive you there, let’s go”, and I said “Yeah, sure! That’s great, let’s go!” and he said “I didn’t expect you to say yes”.
I’m trying to understand my own reactions to things and notice them in the moment so I can change my responses, I feel I just say what I want because I want to be right, but I want to be happy, I’m realizing I can’t always be right in every situation. I talk a lot to those that I’m close to, I say I do that because I’m comfortable but I’m starting to think that I feel I have control over the conversation.
Sounds like you’re starting to catch on! The odds of getting in trouble keeping our mouths shut are measurably lower than trying to justify and explain our way out of corner…
NTA. she knew she made you guys late and it bothers you. She shouldnt have offered to go later. Seems like a learning moment. When both of you calm down try and revisit what happened.
We revisited and we all good. Now did we learn something, I would say yes. I just hope and pray we get through these times still loving each other.
This is a behaviour I have encountered many many many times, in my friend circle, at university, in my family. Always executed by men. I dont think many realise that they are controlling like that. And how domineering it feels for the other party.
Congratulations to you for your self-awareness. 