People pleasing used to be a common theme in my life. Until, like urself, i saw the damage it was doing. I needed to change this behavior but its not that i couldnt be nice or helpful to others, i just had to start setting boundaries. Part of the issue with me was my impulsiveness to quickly say yes to helping without thinking about how it could affect me. I had to learn to pause 1st and then think about my reasons for wanting to help and if it could potentially be harmful to me. I began to start changing this people pleasing behavior by saying, āCan i get back to u on this? I just have to see if im able to helpā. Then take that time to assess if i can really help and if helping is going to hurt me in the long run. If i know it will end up hurting me in some way, i then get back to them and decline. U dont have to help anyone and u dont owe anyone anything. If u can help for the right reasons, great! Nothing wrong with that. But if its effecting u in any way that is harmful, u owe it to urself to be ur own best friend 
Thank you so much for your post. Those decisions are usually impulsively driven and I always take that moment after I commit. Thank you for choice words to use instead of yes!
Yes! Setting boundaries is a skill that has to be learned. There are lots of books on this topic. Itās so good that you are sober and can recognize what you need going forward.
I have Nice Guy Syndrome.
Itās rooted in toxic shame, this feeling that Iām worthless. It manifests itself by desperately seeking validation from others. And itās a nasty root of my addiction.
Yes! I was a compulsive people pleaser for most of my life. I would ignore, or be entirely unconscious or unable to access what I truly wanted ā¦and would do what I felt I was āsupposedā to do (to keep things nice, conflict free and easy for others). I didnāt want to rock the boat or make someone else uncomfortableā¦at the expense, of course, of making me uncomfortable. It is tiring! Learning to set and hold boundaries and that no is okay to say was enlightening for me.
Being active and a moderator on this forum has actually helped me a lot with this. So many members have been helpful in discussing or showing how they care for themselves and hold boundaries, I appreciate that a lot. It is definitely a skill and something I continue to work on. As alwaysā¦living and learning is a work in progress.
Good Lord yes 
Hey Jessica.
Great topic. Iāve been working a lot on my excellent people pleasing skills. And always doing the right thing. I been doing it all my life.
Iāll check back here later
Congrats on your 5 months.
I just posted this yesterday.
Itās mostly my codependency issues which Iām working on in Al-Anon. Itās a tough one.
Youāre not alone.
Interesting topic, but that is definitely not me 
Love it, definitely going to use that line
A LOT
āCan I get back to you on that ? ā
LEGEND!
Yes. I used to be a chronic people pleaser. I was always busy because I was incapable of saying no when someone asked if I wanted toā¦ (fill in the blank). The positive was that I had some good out of the box experiences, seeing concerts I didnāt know I wanted to see, trying roller derby etc. but the negatives are exhausting.
My husband helped me with this. Whenever we would run into someone they always asked me to get together with them later and Iād say yes impulsively. I made hundreds of plans without thinking if I actually wanted to. He was the first person to ask if I really wanted to do the things I was signing up to do. Now with practice Iām able to stop a second to think if its something I really want to do before I commit. I still get talked into more commitments than I want but they often turn out to be positive experiences.
Sobriety helped too. Iām much more protective of my time these days. My impulsiveness that came with drinking is more controlled. I take the time to think about my commitments instead of trying to be the fun girl all the time who always says yes. I like myself more this way. Saying no is a skill that has to be learned for many people. Your time is valuable.
I am definitely a people pleaser, struggle to say no, want to be liked by everybody,etc
I am not sure that is exactly āniceā though. I end up doing what people want, a lot of the time, but I resent them for it. Depending on the person, I may get angry, withdraw, do something spiteful to āget them backā, send them ill-will. Learning to calmly set boundaries, protect them, and not feel guilty about them, really is such an important and big task for me.
Iāve done this and still do from time to time. Working through my steps, I realized this kind of behavior isnāt really about just me trying to be kind all the time. It was sometimes a sort of prideful manipulation. Trying to act ābetter than.ā Maybe rooted at first as a self defense mechanism originally sourced in fear of being excluded or hurt, but had become an ego-feeding thing.
Whatever the roots, it doesnāt really serve when it gets out of hand. Like you say, getting to a point of new hurts and resentments instead of coming from a healthy, balanced spirit of service.
Iām still learning to leave space for others to be graceful, too. Itās taken leaps of faith. Knowing when to take care of me and step back. Iāve been delighted to learn other people care too if I just give them space, not assuming itās gotta come from me all the time.
It is nice to try and look out for others. Others want the opportunity to do that too, though.
This feels very true to me personally. I will ponder this all day. Thank you, well said.
Happy if it helps. A sort of uncomfortable truth for me.
And paraphrasing my sponsor, āWhatever the cause, you enjoy helping others, right? Isnāt it kind of selfish to not give them the chance to feel that way too? To let them help you?ā
Absolutely. I want to be a perfect angel for everyone, because I fear if I am anything less than that, I wonāt be loved at all. But of course, I canāt do that, because I am just a regular person so I feel afraid and guilty and hate myself. And of course, different people want different things from me, so I can never please everyone.
Itās a theme amongst most people, especially those of us who struggle with social anxieties and self esteem
We want to be liked, we want to be helpful, we want to feel appreciated so we instantly please for the satisfaction of others, with the reward of āwanting us to be aroundā kinda similar to what Kevin said about Nice Guy Syndrome, we tend to always do for others looking for acceptance, but in the end we always sell ourselves short.
In the end we end up losing DeadMist (forum member) pretty awesome chick too, said to me once, when we say yes to one thing we say no to everything else. And it didnāt make sense till it did.
I say yes to letās say come after work and fix your car, so thatās a few hours of my time, I donāt get home till 9 pm. Gotta eat get showered and get ready for bed
But to do that, I had to skip out on things that were important to me, My self care, my daily practice, my time with my kids. Other things I was working on. Because I wanted you to approve of me, I gave up everything else. I should have been doing, up the antsy, now I was hoping that you were going to romantically approve of me, by saving you money and helping you, and you didnāt. I then created a resentment cause I didnāt get the outcome I expected.
It goes hand in hand with boundaries, like I have to weigh the pros and cons of every yes and no I do, but I also have to realize not everyone will be happy with me itās something I learned to accept
Its one of my fav replies too lol
I grew up with a mother that had this issue so strongly that she literally gave her car away to someone once. This way of thinking was drilled into me from a young age and I struggled very hard for a long time. I think I still have an internal struggle sometimes and I often want to offer to help out when I see I can do something nice for another, or that I know something that could be useful, but I do a lot of self talk these days.
As far as offering when I can see where I can be helpful, I try to remember that the person did not ask for my help to begin with, and they may take the offer of help to ābe niceā or because they donāt know how to say ānoā. I have had many situations where I have felt like my efforts were not appreciated, which in the end left me feeling resentful inside. But the truth is that many times they may not have had cause to really feel grateful, or not very much so, because of that kind of situation.
Also, I have noticed that there are āgiversā and there are ātakersā, or the āselflessā and the āselfishā. This is not meant to be a ānegativeā proclamation, but rather as a foundation to say that I believe that some people are meant to learn how to be more āselfishā (in a healthy way) and other people are meant to learn how to be more āselflessā. To be too much of either is not a good thing. It is not the ārightā thing. We need to have balance in all things, including this.
I will also tell you that the very best thing you can do is to learn how to say ānoā. This is probably the most important word ever uttered in any language. To be able to say this with a calm surity rather than with anger, hatred, frustration, etc. To be able to say it straight forward without beating around the bush because you donāt want to ādisappointā someone. You are an important person as well. If it doesnāt work for you, the very best thing you can do is to say ānoā, politely if possible, and not be guilted into something that isnāt right for you.
When you do this, you are caring for yourself, which means you wonāt end up fostering negative feelings in conjunction with the thing or person you said yes to. This, in turn, will likely give you a better relationship with the other person. Also, believe it or not, many people will respect you more if you are able to say ānoā when something doesnāt work for you.
In a world where considering yourself is seen to be a bad thing, itās hard to do this. But, do not let this bring you down or think unfavorably about yourself. You have recognized that you do this. That is excellent in your progression. I urge you to sit down and really walk through the times you have done this and look at the situations from all angles. Try to find out what feelings pushed you into things, or what wording other people might say causes you to to feel those feelings which in turn lead you to acting accordingly. As you go along see if you can figure out where in your past these urges came from originally.
This will undoubtedly be very uncomfortable, and you may feel a lot of guilt and/or shame, but these are things you did in the past. They already exist, so you might as well try to learn from them. As you go along, there is nothing wrong with talking to yourself like you would a beloved friend. Comfort yourself like you would that friend. Tell yourself that you are working hard to become better and that those things from the past do not have to define you.
Love yourself enough to tell other people no. And love them enough to tell them the truth. Donāt commit yourself to things you donāt mean, or things you donāt want to do. You are allowed to say no. As you learn what feelings and situations fuel these things, I would recommend closing your eyes and pretending your in that situation. see yourself politely declining or not offering randomly to be āniceā. Bring up positive feelings that would support you in that moment and let yourself feel them. And let yourself feel the happiness and satisfaction afterward as if you had, indeed, gone through that situation in reality.
Your brain often doesnāt know the difference between that and something in reality. This is wonderful practice for the real thing. And donāt kick yourself when youāre not perfect at it all the time. You will get there. This is a journey. Let yourself go through the āHeroās Journeyā in your own story.
I hope all that made sense. It is late and Iām tired, but I saw your post and wanted to reply (which always ends up in some rediculously longwinded essay).
Best of luck. 
Very wise words, this resounds with me, i am a nice person but there are times when i think am i really this nice or do i just want to be seen to be? This is because of a lifetime theme i have of not being good enough and so want to be better, even better than others at times
I too will ponder this. My sister says that I used to be overbearing and that sheās seen a real change in my personality. A calmness. When I think of my life Iām reminded of the paths Iāve walked. One was 8 years of military service. She told me the Army changed me. Iām still trying to understand how those years impacted my personality.
Thank you for saying that. After reading this my immediate thought was āwhy, no one would any wayā
I grew up in a house that was violent and reckless where there was in fact not a lot of help to be had. I just remember being let down and disappointed a lot. Now I protect myself from the pain of relying on people and being let down.
My girlfriend helps with this and I genuinely feel more grounded to my reality. Helped and loved.
I never realized no one offers because I donāt ask. I never noticed the distance I kept people at to keep myself āsafeā