This Probation stress can fuck right off! I’m trying to stay grateful and positive because at the same time this has helped me get my life together but I’m over this shit! I just want to be done. I’ve been in jail a few times but I was in and out and this time being there for two months with the possibility of getting three years in prison was terrifying and one of the reasons I’m never going to drink or do pills ever again so I don’t end up back in jail or prison. Got about 1000 other reasons why I’m not going to drink or use also!! Basically this experience has scarred me in a good way. I guess with me finally being at the halfway mark which is what I’ve been thinking about for 18 months it’s just causing more stress because everything is up in the air right now. I’m trying so hard to stay in today but I’m worried about So many different things right now! The last couple weeks I feel like I’ve been having to use my tools and net work like double or triple just to get through the day. I’m not going to lie I’m fucking exhausted!! Mentally exhausted!! My next appointment is on Wednesday and it’s almost like every single month I go through this extra stress right before my appointment even though I’m doing what I’m supposed to do it’s still terrifying and on top of that I have reached the 18 month mark so I’m thinking about 20 different things or possibilities! I feel like no matter what I do I can’t get this shit out of my head.
I feel like I’ve been handling this pretty well but recently it’s starting to catch up to me. And then today my neighbor said that I must’ve been having a night terror last night because he heard me screaming really loudly at 1:30 in the morning. I sleep with my door open and in my living room because the air conditioning does not get to my bedroom also so nova can get out if she needs to .. so that probably was a Nightmare or night terrors. I have them sometimes and I think stress brings it more often and I also sleepwalk sometimes and the only reason I know that is that I wake up and stuff is moved all around weirdly.. stress !! Fuck right off !! Stress can do a lot of weird things
Reading a book on kindle unlimited to have it end on to be continued AND THEN find the second part of the story won’t be released until September 2026. How dare this author get me completely invested in these fictional people like this with no closure. My ass will most likely not remember to find this other book in September. I just wasted hours of my life to just never find out what happens
Pretty sure my neighbors fucked up on something right now. Even though I’m not at the main sober living house these apartments are still supposed to be for people that are sober. I don’t know how many times in the last 18 months I’ve had to go to management because I suspected something and every single time I was right.. During the last couple months I have sometimes heard some kind of hollering over there at night time but I don’t think I heard it as often because I always had my air conditioning on. But now that it’s starting to cool down and I have my doors open and My apartment is quiet it’s pretty easy to hear next-door. He sounds like he’s demented or something so my guess would be Whippets!! Or any kind of Inhalants.. And as I’m typing this I also hear some gibberish. I don’t know anything about that drug except for what I read..no first hand experience and the fact that when I was living in the main house I heard the same kind of sounds and they found a bunch of bottles of the whip it containers in someone’s room.. I hate being in this situation but at the same time I have to protect the house and somebody who really wants to do the right thing deserves to be over there. This can fuck right off.. I think a lot of times the people in these houses think they can just do something that can’t be drug tested but what they don’t realize is they’re still going to have negative consequences. Sometimes even worse.
The messed up thing is that the guy who got kicked out for inhaIents At the main house a few months back ended up dying by himself in a hotel room a few months later. Honestly for a while I almost blamed myself because if i wouldn’t have said anything and he didn’t get kicked out of the main house maybe he would still be alive but that’s bullshit and he made the decision and that’s on him. This thing is deadly no matter what drug you’re doing.
Looks like I’m going to have to have another awkward conversation tomorrow morning with management as it’s past curfew at the main house so I can’t go over there
Ps: 100% fucked up on something! The last couple times I heard things I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt because I was thinking he’s on probation so there’s no way he’s doing anything but I know for sure tonight he is. We actually have the same Probation Officer. It’s crazy because in the past I would’ve said I understand but I really don’t understand going back to that life anymore
Sounds like inhalant or wet. Either way nasty stuff and not worth risking the safety of the entire building. Not easy to speak up, but definitely necessary I’m proud of you
I actually remember at this house party like really Early on in my drug timeline or whatever they were passing around stuff like that and I almost went to try it and this older friend I kinda looked up to was like man you don’t wanna do that!! I literally remember thinking damn if he saying not to do that then it must be really messed up because he was kind of nuts lol. Ironically that friend ended up dying from cirrhosis at like 24 years old. Anyway… So from that point on that was where I drew the line I guess. I guess everybody has their drug of choice but at the end of the day like I said they all have very negative consequences. I’m definitely going to talk to management this morning because that’s what I have to do. This dude could fall asleep and burn the House Down.. could kill himself.. Too many things can happen. I have no choice but to say something and like I said this is not the first time I’ve had to do that at this sober living house
So sorry I have those too almost every night of my life. My Dr put me on meds for it that lowers my blood pressure while I’m sleeping so now I have the same dreams in slow mode Yes they can FRO!
My inexplicable anxiety can FRO! I’m done trying to figure it out. I’m done entertaining it! I said a prayer about it but it’s lingering so it can FRO! Nothing is wrong, nothing happened. Everything is fine and sometimes THAT causes anxiety! I’m so used to messing things up and sabotaging that it’s like my twisted mind expects or waits for things to go wrong! I do not want to live or think that and I won’t!
Customers that come in to the hardware store and literally say that they need a expert plumber or an expert electrician or an expert whatever to help them figure out what to buy!! Fuck right off! If I was a expert plumber I would be a plumber not working at a hardware store as a stock clerk! Then they get rude with me or say stupid things even if I try to help and have a good attitude
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Yes they can FRO! 
