At a year and three months clean, I chose to relapse. I knew I had mentally relapsed before. I know what I did and didn’t do that caused this relapse. Now I am 44 days clean after going to rehab and dealing with the consequences of my 2 month run. My job is investigating me for appearing intoxicated at work causing a safety concern for myself and everyone around me. I can read on paper the way I was presenting and everything my coworkers said about me. The embarrassment, the shame, the pain, all of it is destroying me. I feel like laying down and dying, because it’s easier than facing this head on. It’s easier than feeling. And it’s easier than living everyday knowing as an addict, I could fuck up again. I’m on my way to IOP and I am safe and I know I’ll get through this, but right now I could really use some help, advice, comfort, something because all I have in my heart is absolute hate for myself and my actions.
Thank you. Everyone here helped keep me clean before, I want to stay connected again.
Welcome back and congrats on your prior sobriety and 44 days currently. I see you have experience in what to do to remain sober. Stay connected to your program. As almost a year sober for me reading about others I find I am a bit envious for those who are able to participate in a rehab or living sober environment in the early days. I have to continue in the environment which I let alcohol solve my problems (I thought). The only way to make it is to change how I react.
My advice is have a plan. Go to meetings or check in with your existing program as often as you can. Stay connected here and read how others succeed. I find there are so many resources to keep you sober. You just have to want it and will do what it takes.
I am rooting for you.
All I can say is now is time to grit your teeth and deal with the consequences. It will take time for investigations to finish, co-workers to move on. It will take strength to keep saying ‘yes, I made a mistake, and I am taking steps to get better’. Focus on who you are becoming, not who you were on the day you relapsed. Welcome back and keep active here. We are with you.
Can totally relate to the shame and self hate. I’ve done many ridiculous and shameful things when drunk, and it’s a horrible state of mind to be in when you sober up, realise what you’ve done and have to face the consequences. All I can say is that time is a great healer and the way you feel will get better the further away you get from the mess you have made. The key thing of course is that you have a choice, if you want you never have to feel this way again, you can move past it and that can be the end of it and you can make a conscious effort to be the person you want to be. To do that you have to stop drinking/using. It’s the only way. Or you can choose to keep torturing yourself and others by continuing you drink. Of course it’s not an easy choice to put into action and you will need help and support to do it but you can get there! This is what I try to tell myself. I’m SO sick of my drunken behaviour, I’m sick of embarrassing myself, feeling ashamed of who I am and being anxious about the consequences of my actions. I don’t want to do this to myself anymore, and I’m hoping that reminding myself of this helps to keep me sober! Good luck!
I can really feel what you feel even though I had a minor incident. Let me explain. Last Monday morning my boss noticed me coming in at work smelling hangoverish. I drank almost a bottle of Tawny red port the evening before and was, so I felt, not intoxicated anymore but I still had that dreading alcohol smell of someone who had too much the night before.
Unfortunately this wasn’t my first time coming in like this, and as my job requires a lot of driving I already had a warning. At the moment I am pretty stressed and filled with guilt and shame waiting to surely be called in for ‘another talk’ in a couple of days.
In my mind I already practiced a bit weaseling myself out of the situation by coming up with a lot of excuses. I came up with some pretty good ideas but lateron realized there would be only one real way to deal with this, and this is also my advice for you right now: face the shit head on by being honest to yourself and to everyone else. By admitting “yes, I do have a problem and I need help. I am very sorry for what happened and will seek help to tackle this thing of which I know it has been a problem for some time now”. It’s hard but eventually giving relieve.
When I am called in, I will take the heat by being honest. Deep inside I know it is the only way to get passed this.
You are in my mind, best
My advice is you’re damn lucky to be an addict. Few people have as clear a path to a positive life as addicts do. Few people have such clear choices. If you do the daily emotional work and recovery work (including your recovery responsibilities for your program), if you really do it, investing and giving your whole self, holding nothing back, your life will turn around and will stay that way.
Who else has that kind of guarantee?
Don’t hate yourself brother, you got this
I hope you are able to let go of the shame… shame is attached to ego big time…do not fall in the vicious cycle of shame, recovery, lapse, shame…
I hope you find self acceptance and eventually good self worth…
I can definitely relate . I was AF almost 3 years when I relapsed . Thinking I could have one drink spiraled me right back to where I started and much worse. Alcohol literally turned my whole life upside down. I lost my career last July after being walked out of my office completely wasted. Like you I thought my life was over and I was so ashamed of myself . I thought I won’t ever get through this. I made it 6 months sober on 1/27 and I’ve never been happier. I’ve spent the past 6 months making myself and my sobriety my first priority because I know if I don’t I’ll end up right back at again . I still get occasional nightmares about that day but the thing is I can’t change any of it , but I can choose what I do today. Good for you going to IOP , I did the same and it’s helpful having the support. The feelings of shame and guilt take time to heal. Keep active here and add as many sober tools as you can. Wish you the best.
Just stopping by to give you a hug 
. You know it will get better with every day sober. Let’s do this
I’ve been taken upstairs and talked to, several times. I’ve curled up in the closet at work and cried. I’ve been driven home by worried coworkers. I’ve walked into a shift the day after blacking out the night before, not knowing what I did or said to who. And boy does it suck when you’re in it 
I know what they said about me and probably still do, even 2 years later. The truth. But it happened, I did it, and that’s that.
For the longest time I’d make up excuses that might explain my actions so they wouldn’t seem so bad, until I realized the only person I was lying to was myself. This is why honesty is the most important part of recovery for me. The first thing I did when I quit this time was tell everybody. Saying it out loud over and over and getting it out in the very wide open. Which also drilled it into me even more. I’m an alcoholic. I can’t drink. The amount of support I gained by doing so honestly surprised me, but I gathered most people would rather see and be around you at your best.
You don’t have to 
I really appreciate your sharing. It helps many people - as you can see from the responses - reflect on their experiences and the impact of choices.
I noticed you wrote:
I would offer that service of others often is the most helpful. Maybe creating a category here that allows people to see how you traverse this challenge will not only help you but other people who may be struggling. Just a thought.
You will get through this one day at a time and I will be rooting for you. 
Here’s the thing about guilt, regret, and shame. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone. If you ask anyone who’s riddled with guilt, if the same situation came up, would you do the same thing? Without exception, they say, “No way! I’ve learned my lesson.” If you learn from your mistakes and grow, that is the best anyone can do. You’re on track. Ruminating on what happened will only make it worse. Shift your focus to your sobriety work. You have the tools, and you know what you have to do. Congratulations on your 44 days! All the best to you.