I’ve recently moved to a new city for a new job. Because of the move a 9 month relationship ended, neither one of us believed we could make a long distance relationship work. During the relationship I was seeing some success with ending porn’s control on me. I was going 30-60 days without a relapse, I was happy and my anxiety wasn’t too bad. I new reality is firmly on the other side of that coin. I can’t get past 4 days, and my feeling of anxiety and loneliness are very bad. As a neat additional treat the porn use is only making me feel more anxious, which in turn wears down my will power, leading to another relapse. I have taken steps to stop porn from being “easily” accessible. I’ve put blocks on all the devices with the capability to view porn, however being in this new low I simply revert them and relapse.
I’m desperately seeking escape instead of healing. I’m in pain and run towards distraction and indulgence. I’m anxious all day thinking about my ex, waiting for her to send a message. Things didn’t end when I got to the new city. We would talk everyday, we were trying to be friends and remain in each others lives. Recently we had an argument. I did something stupid, but I don’t feel worthy of ending all communication. I desperately apologized, she wasn’t receptive and hasn’t spoken to me since. Except for one time when she needed reassurance, which gave me hope, only for the next two days to get ignored. I went from having someone to speak to everyday, someone I deeply care about, to feeling very alone and depressed.
My new job is also stressful and I feel stupid all day. There is so much I don’t know and my co-workers are so busy that I’m left to fend for myself. I’ve been kind of downing. With my codependency this intense isolation is killing me. Porn is the only time I forget what is happening. It’s so intense I don’t feel the anxiety and depression. I don’t think about work or my ex or how alone I am here.
My advice, find and attend an “S” meeting in your area, SLAA, SAA, SA and other organizations have in person, online and phone meetings nearly every minute of every day.
Hi @Control. Nice to hear from you. @Pirate is right. Get a support system. You’ve made a lot of changes recently. Switching jobs, relocating, breaking up with your girlfriend. Yeah, that’s going to have a significant impact. And if one doesn’t have positive coping strategies to deal with that than porn will step in as a substitute.
Im starting to question if Im ready for recovery. Ive watched a lot of videos of people talking about something happening and causing a shift in perspective. An instant that gave them the initiative to finally get better. All I have is the knowledge that my life would be better if I was, but not the drive to see it. I don’t love myself enough. Ive been going to codependency meetings every Monday. They have helped, Ive found a community that I can talk about my real deep issues. But Im still not able to open any of the materials I have to work the steps to recovery.
I feel like Im functionally depressed. I get things done at work and at home. But just enough. I have no initiative to do more. I just want to escape and be occupied. I want to escape my reality, and not think about being alone. My codependency drives my porn use. I know what I have to do, Id like to know how to get myself to care about myself enough to do it.
For accountability, I relapsed again. The sensation was very strong, and seemed to just pop up out of no where. Most importantly I didn’t even try to fight it. There was a voice that told me what I should do, and how I would feel. I ignored it. I just want to care. I cared in my last relationship and I made it to almost 70 days. That’s all gone, Im empty and confused. I want to find another relationship, but I know Im not ready.
Again, my advice find a counselor. It sounds like you could also be dealing with depression. It’s very common to have that along with addiction (I did) and a counselor can help with that, I took medication for over 3 years but I felt much better. Going to codependency meetings is good, I’d still suggest finding a group specializing in sex/porn addiction.
Recovering sex here who acted out mainly with porn and chatrooms. Welcome! Currently 25 days clean but thanks to this forum and SAA, my last two stints of sobriety lasted 317 days and 120 days. It’s been serious progress from the past 20 years.
Only you can decide when to put down the shovel and stop digging. I’m definitely guilty of putting off striving for sobriety until life improves and life stops being stressful.
Life will always roll forward, stress will always be there. If I don’t deal with the stress in a healthy and constructive way the problems will steadily pile up and I’ll have isolated myself from every relationship that means anything because my coping mechanism has the side affect of shame and anxiety.
Life improves when we start taking care of ourselves. Calm seas and stormy seas may come and go. We have no control over that. We do have control over the vessel and we can make choices to ensure it’s sea worthy.