For years I have coped with the dysfunction that has surrounded me by using or drinking to numb myself to everything I am dealing with externally and the way I feel internally. This tactic was some what effective, especially during times when I was unable to physically walk away and was forced to escape the situation by detaching or dissociating mentally. I began to lean on this behavior more and more until I was coping with nearly every situation by escaping into a substance. The few beneficial aspects of doing this in the short term were completely negated in the long term as the dysfunction I was seeking to escape became more pronounced and the frequency increased as this constant abuse led to more and more situations I never wanted in my life… At the moment I am currently surrounded by complete chaos, unrest, and trepidation of the future. My drinking issues led me to a treatment probram in an area I have never been to, around people I have never met, and away from the profession I had spend over a decade and half immersed in. It has been a trying yet learning experience that I have grown from immensely and am thankful I went through. That being said I am counting the hours until it ends and I am able to return to the work I love and be in an environment where I feel true commradarie and trust among those around me. I live in house with people I don’t know, who don’t like me, where I am the only one working and whatever money I give them every week never seems like enough. Just this week I was accused of stealing from them twice and the last time had to defend myself physically after being to told “we can take it outside”, for voicing my displeasure about having my character attacked. In the days since all my soap from the shower and my razor disappeared, along with the little of dish soap I saved for emergencies. I was able to have two glasses of milk out of the gallon I bought , and when I tried to use the washer the water was turned off. I can’t count all condescending jabs thrown my way. The rest of what is going on is their business and I won’t air their dirty laundry but rest assured there are constant issues that I am around which I desperately need to escape. This time I have chosen to leave physically and not search for refuge in alcohol or drugs. It has been difficult to say the least as my body knows something isn’t right and without booze getting my body to relax enough to sleep or at least rest is nearly impossible. I know if I allowed myself to drink I could deal with the insanity with a smile or at least a smirk. But I can’t do that. Not this time. I have to stay sober until I can leave and remain free of alcohol so I don’t get myself into a situation where I’ll put up with anything just to have a roof over my head. It is a scary time as I don’t really know where I’ll end up exactly and my financial situation doesn’t allow for any amount of comfort let alone mistakes once I leave. I was just wondering how anyone else has dealt with such trying times while not using. Any input would greatly be appreciated.
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My god. No advice, just acknowledging what a horrible existence that you described. It sounds like you are tough as nails. I hope things improve and glad you are removing booze from the equation. That can only go badly.
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