About a week away from 90 days. I haven’t gone to a meeting in over a month, almost two. Still haven’t had enough nerve to find a sponsor. Lately I’ve been thinking about social drinking, pretty sure it’s my mind trying to convince myself that I can totally do it and be ok. Clearly I’m struggling, but I can’t seem to do anything at the moment to get the support I really need. Does anyone have suggestions on how to navigate something like this? Any and all suggestions wanted and needed.
Hi first thing to do is get to a meeting as that is the AV trying to send you back into a place that you don’t want to be, it can be so sneaky that we need to stay vigilant, a friend of mine was 10 years sober and relapsed, within 2 weeks he was back where he started, whether we are 90 days or 10 years sober we can never socially drink, try and keep busy as the thoughts will pass, wishing you well
First, huge congrats on your almost 90 days! That is massive. You have a lot to be proud of - one day at a time!
Second, milestones - like 90 days or one week or one year or whatever - can be messy. Give yourself a little extra bandwidth to allow for some extra emotions and struggling.
Third, go back in your mind to where you were when you started. What state you were in, physically, mentally, and emotionally? If you’re anything like me, taking one drink means sooner or later, you’ll be back there again. Yuck. And starting over, at least for me, was harder each time.
But then this… what were the highlights of the last 90? Going to bed sober, waking up sober and smiling? It’s time to celebrate your sobriety! Plan something - whether making a nice meal or indulging in some self-care.
And hang out here. Heck, we’ll throw you a party on the Check in Thread or Gratitude thread! You’re worth a sober life. We all are.
Like @M-be-free49 said, milestones can be tough to navigate sometimes. For whatever reason, we seem to get into our own heads and can’t get out without help. It is very common.
Whenever I find myself thinking I can have a drink, I read other people’s stories here. I search for “I thought I could control it” and countless stories from people like you and I come up. People who had those thoughts and tested it, and ultimately failed. I know I am no stronger than anyone else, so I know if they weren’t strong enough, neither am I, so why try?
Playing the tape through helps too. Imagine if you drink, based on all of your past experiences, what will happen? How will it end up? How will you feel the next day? How will your loved ones react when you tell them? This is a powerful tool that allows you to give yourself a glimpse into what could have been and avoid making those mistakes.
Congrats on making it this far, lets go one more day!
I can’t drink socially. There is nothing social about the way I drank there at the end. I’m coming up on a year myself and am feeling some milestone pressure as well. Not that I want to drink but more of a “what would happen if I did” situation.
That is when I have to remind myself of what would happen if I did drink. I would lose all of my positive forward momentum. I would sink backwards and my old friends anxiety and depression would hold me under. There is no fun waiting for me at the bottom of a glass anymore. I have shut that door now I just have to keep it closed.
Your first few sentences sound like you do want to go to a meeting. Maybe try to figure out what is holding you back? If you can’t get to meeting keep talking it out here. You will find lots of like minded folk who have had those same “curious if I can drink again” thoughts. I gain strength from those who talk themselves out of it. 90 days is strong work! Keep going and try to remember why you stopped.
Get to a meeting and find a sponsor. You’re letting the head win. It will keep you from safety long enough for you to slip into old habits
Get to a meeting and I guarantee you within 5 mins all idea of social drinking will evaporate. Just like you’re sobriety will if you think social drinking is a good idea.
Definitely get to a meeting, there’s an AA one liner, ‘one week without a meeting makes one weak’ and it’s true. You also need to buck up the courage to get a sponsor and work the steps.
For a sponsor you should look for someone (same sex) who has the kind of sobriety you want and then ask them to sponsor you, I’m sure they’ll be delighted to be asked and even if the can’t sponsor you they can point you in the direction of someone who will.
Sobriety is a gift don’t waste it and remember ‘it only works if you work it’, take care and stay AF
Have you considered the possibility that you are needing more than one program? I have been doing this sober thing a while now and notice that often resistance to a sponsor echoes a deeper problem with authority figures like sponsors, bosses, probation officers, teachers, and parents. It took me too long to realize I needed to not only be in AA but in the sister program of ACoA.
The following is called “The Problem” and is read at most ACoA meetings. Maybe you relate…
Many of us found that we had several characteristics in common as a result of being brought up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional household. We had come to feel isolated and uneasy with other people, especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people-pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the same we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat. We either became alcoholics (or practiced other addictive behavior) ourselves, or married them, or both. Failing that, we found other compulsive personalities, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment.
We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We got guilt feelings when we stood up for ourselves rather than giving in to others. Thus, we became reactors, rather than actors, letting others take the initiative. We were dependent personalities, terrified of abandonment, willing to do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. Yet we kept choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic or dysfunctional parents.
These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism or other dysfunction made us “co-victims”, those who take on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned to keep our feelings down as children and kept them buried as adults. As a result of this conditioning, we confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue. Even more self-defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable relationships.
This is a description, not an indictment.
Adapted from The Laundry List
Have you accepted that you are an alcoholic? Going to AA, TLC meetings, participating fully in recovery has allowed me to never want to drink again. I have no desire. No FOMO. I’m a non-drinker, and I love being so.
It’s a shame I can only give you 1 it sums it up so eloquently. That’s how it is for me.
Like others have said, go to a meeting and get a sponsor. Get a sponsor, get a sponsor. Ask someone, keep asking until someone says yes. It may not work out and you’ll need someone else in the future, but you need one now. I’d get someone with more than one year. Mine has two more than me. Women sponsor women, men sponsor men.
You are doing great! 90 days will be here before you know it.
Sponsorship is the key meetings are not enough you need someone to take you through the steps and be there to help you when you’re faltering and push you to do the next right thing, stay sober it’s worth it