Good “Morning”,
Day 1 for me for the billionth time. Trying something totally new with this online platform…cause obviously whatever I have been doing hasn’t worked out yet. This is my first post and sorry if it’s a doozy to read but it’s what is going on in this exact moment.
Excited and hopeful for the future, to look back on this first post and see how much things will change for me. I do believe in a power greater then myself and I know things will get better, I do have a purpose. I’ve gotten some time clean before, soon know I can do it again. It’s just right now I feel soooo bummed and like the worlds biggest F up. Any stories of relapses and bottoms would probably help me feel less alone and dumb. So here goes:
I’m 38, booze has destroyed my life over any other addiction I have struggled with. I am currently fighting a kidney infection, after 14 hours of waiting for a hospital bed to receive an intravenous drip of antibiotics…I left the hospital and went home, exhausted. (Tucson hospitals are a nightmare right now)
Rewind to last Saturday , after 10 years of being clean off Meth and two weeks sober from alcohol, feeling like a champ, I had a glass of wine because…what could go wrong? (Everything)
Well that turned into this entire week of smoking meth. Pretty sure that may be what this whole kidney situation is about.
I had a wedding to attend today, that I was looking so, soooo, so forward to. The wedding I feel like I really needed for emotional support and I was excited that it was falling around my 30 day sober mark. But I messed up. Complications from drinking and using have me bedridden, I’m so sad about it. And feel so incredibly lonely missing this beautiful day with friends. I know I should go back to the hospital to get the drip but I’m so emotionally exhausted from this run. I also am moving back to NYC from Arizona. I am days and days behind schedule. My bills and rent are late, I messed up ALOT on money by not taking care of some time sensitive issues. Like messed up about $30,000…yeah, I effed up. I’m currently in some legal situations, nothing insane but I messed up by not filing paper work on time and getting a lawyer. Now, I am sick with whatever this kidney situation is and pretty useless to do anything but lay in bed.
Anyways, can anyone share a story about how much they screwed up? Missed a wedding? Lost thousands of dollars over a few days? Had a kidney go septic? Haaaalp!
I can relate. I just know that whenever I use alcohol, meth, heroin … literally any substance in any form my life goes to shit in 0 to 100 real quick. I have missed funerals because of my drinking, I have lost jobs from relapsing on meth and picking my face, I have crashed cars, broken my nose, got MRSA because I was in a trap house and I was sitting down and got stuck with a dirty needle… literally anything you could think of. I’m sorry to hear you relapsed and honestly my only advice to you is get and stay sober. Those drugs just take and destroy… I look at them like they are evil entities and that’s what helped me stay away from them
And stop being tempted by them. As soon as you get sober your life will go back to positive (law of attraction) and I definitely would check back into the hospital about your kidney you don’t know how serious that could be… might not be thinking all that logical since you were on a week long bender but wish you the best of luck keep us updated!!!
Welcome. Please go back to hospital. My dad went septic and died from an untreated kidney infection, two years ago. He was drinking during that time so I’m sure that made him not seek help.
Not to scare you but it’s imperative you go 
I know your right…I have been peeing blood on and off for a few years and just always have a low grade kind of dull pain in my right side. I agree. It was just so frustrating being told at Urgent Care it was imperative I get an IV of antibiotics at the ER, running a fever then being denied care for hours and hours. Nothing new, I’ve experienced it before I was just really wanting to make it to this wedding and be around friends for emotional support. But here I am, stuck in bed anyways. I was able to at least get ORAL antibiotics from the last ER because they also had no beds for atleast 8 hours so they finally just have me the oral ones.
Thank you for the reply. It’s day 3!for me with no meth, so I think I am extra anxietal and bummed. I think right now I just really need to know I am not the worlds biggest eff up and that we all have missed out on huge life events because of our illness of addiction and self sabotage. I feel like I’m under a huge pile of bills and legal complications and Ofcourse feel super alone.
Yeah you are definitely not alone, nor are you the worlds biggest screw up. We all make mistakes and then we have to face the consequences of our actions which sucks but try to remember “this too shall pass” because it usually always does. I have made tons of mistakes and lived in fear and anxiety and guilt and shame because of everything that happened due to my drug use and ever since I got sober it seems things just fell into place as long as I did the next right thing. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
You are definitely not the world’s biggest eff up. Stick around here and read read read and you will find all of us have felt the same, done similar or worse and still we soldier on and work towards health and healing. No one, no one… is a lost cause…we can and do heal with time and effort and community and support. Of course you feel like an asshole, we all have that t shirt cuz we have all spent our lives hiding and medicating to avoid x y z in our lives.
First off…please do what is necessary to get that IV drip if needed still.
Sure I missed plenty of important milestones, yup, blasted thru 10s of thousands of dollars over the years, effed up my finances for 10+ years, blah blah blah. You are not alone. Guilt and shame are not gonna heal ya.
Stick around and read, and do what u need to for whatever infection you have happening. Keep us posted!
Welcome SunBear 
I’m happy you’re here and I hope to see much more of you in the future. Our healthcare system is a shitstorm right now but you need to continue to seek medical care.
Right? May as well since I’m missing this wedding anyways and so far behind on this move. May as well take this time to get all the work ups done at the hospital anyways. I’ll just bring a sleeping blanket and pillow 
and maybe build a campfire and roast some marshmallows for my fellow ER troopers, it actually was more like 20 hours now that I’m thinking about it.
Oh maaaaan, the money I’m wasting right now missing flights and paying double rents. Eeeekkkkk. Ouchy. But like yeah…hopefully we can all be laughing about this story because I know when I put my mind to it, awesome things will happen for me. Maybe I just needed to get this run out of my system so that it doesn’t happen once I am in my new place, in a new state…building my new life
Your right, since I’m missing this beautiful wedding I may as well make the best use out of my time and go back to the ER and get the recommended treatment so that I’m feeling that much stronger to move forward