My anxiety is SO bad, I am having a very difficult time trying to shake it. There is a pit in my stomach. I feel physically sick.
Today a good friend told me how she heard very descriptive things about me through someone who heard about me from an old coworker. I had confided in him after he told me about his past with substance use and depression. I was fired when I was in the emergency room, which is a whole different messed up situation. Now that I am gone he is talking all about me and it got out to people I know personally, unrelated to work.
I wrote out a long message I am thinking of sending him but I don’t know if I should. I just hate this feeling.
I am also worrying about my boyfriend who won’t speak to me because it is his birthday and I can’t be there. He punishes me for things that are out of my control. I had a cheesecake sent to his house that probably just going bad on his porch.
I have the “gotta get up and run and use” feeling inside me and it is destroying me right now.
Yeah I bet you are anxious, not to sound rude or anything. That’s a lot to deal with, especially in recovery.
I think what you co worker did was a little out there , but sometimes we can’t control other people’s actions. We can try to control the outcome.
I’ve had some bad downfalls with workplaces before , and I’ve definitely been fired from a job once and I just had to accept what’s done is done, and theres no moving back but I gotta move forward.
With your boyfriend, I wish I could give you advice, but maybe when things are better for you both , than you both can sit down and have a talk about things and want to resolve whatever is going on.
What’s important right now in recovery no matter what’s going on, is that you’re focusing on yourself and doing what you need to do to not get too overly stimulated with anxiety or uncomfortable thoughts because it can make cravings and relapses easier , at least from my personal experiences.
Also I would personally avoid the text messages or getting into any debates with people right now or discussions about feelings… Sometimes it’s best to let things be and let the chips fall into place when they need to be. Try to keep in mind there’s a time and place for everything even when you anxiously want an answer to something right off the bat. I know you mean well and care a lot from what I’ve read, but do your best to focus on keeping yourself just calm and in a steady mindset for now.
You are right. I simply need to “Accept the things I can not change…” I am trying so hard to shift my thoughts but I have this habit of getting stuck and obsessing over my every worry. I have to remember that the pain of setting boundaries is so much more tolerable than the pain of giving in. I am trying to stay in the moment but it feels like I am not even in control of my body; as if auto-pilot will kick in and my legs will just start to carry me out the door while my mind begs them to stop. That is the best way I can explain how my anxiety feels. I have to put my recovery first. Thank you for responding and reminding me I am not alone. That alone helps tame my distorted thinking.
Firstly, I’m so sorry that you are feeling so much anxiety right now. Are you on any medication for this? Do you have any techniques you can use to help?
Others might handle this differently, but I personally would call this person out for talking about you behind your back. I’d message saying - "I understand you’ve been talking to people about me, personal information which I confided in you. I might remind you that I was there for you when you needed to talk, and respected you enough not to discuss your mental health. While the damage has already been done, I’d appreciate it if you would stop talking to people about me any further’.
The next thing to discuss is your boyfriend, and I feel like this is far more pressing. I’m sorry to tell you that your manipulative boyfriend is gaslighting you. Not talking to you because you can’t be there for his birthday is completely irrational. He sounds controlling, manipulative, and ignoring you or cutting you off is a form of abuse.
Honestly, I think you should end it with him. He likely knows that you suffer from anxiety, which he is using as a tool for his advantage. Someone that loves you shouldn’t make you suffer like this. This sounds abusive to me.
This will be harmful to you so I hope you didn’t.
I’m sorry about the anxiety. There are meditations you can do that could help reset you sometimes. Take you away from the anxiety.
Best wishes.
I have had debilitating depression my whole life, which then caused bad anxiety for the majority of my life. I just recently started on an antidepressant which seems to be doing wonders for the depression. The fleeting thoughts are way more manageable and I’m not crying over every little thing like I used to. However, I am still getting anxiety sometimes throughout the day and terrible anxiety every night. It is difficult to shut down at night and be able to sleep. I am going to ask my doctor for as needed anti-anxiety meds at my next appointment. I tried distracting myself. I put on a show, I made some tea, I journaled, I reached out to friends (but wasn’t able to discuss whats going on), I tried to take some deep breaths. The best thing was writing on here. I am looking forward to getting all of this out at IOP later.
I just feel so embarrassed by the whole work thing. I feel like I was punished for seeking help. I feel betrayed. My immediate thought was how to retaliate, but my second thought was remaining the bigger person, but reminding him to look himself in the mirror, and how the only difference between him and I is that I never recklessly ran my mouth… I actually advocated for him when others talked poorly of him. He took it so far to tell others I’ve used at work, which isn’t true at all.
My boyfriend is kind of terrible to me… with a clear mind I see it more and more. I always knew how he treated me wasn’t O.K. but he would always apologize and make me feel bad for him and tell me how much he loves me. I always felt like I’d rather feel this “love” sometimes than never again. I feel very alone, especially lately and he is the only person in this whole world who really knows me and everything I have been through. We’ve both put each other through a lot. But I also know that at this point if I don’t put my recovery first I will lose him regardless. He once was everything I ever dreamed of… but that was years ago now…
I was able to move past that mindset, and I currently am in a much safer head space. I plan on discussing anxiety medication with my doctor soon. I think the feeling of not being in control is what gets to me the most.
I’m sorry that you are going through all this especially during early recovery when our bodies and minds are so fragile.
This
is a great place to start. You can’t control what other people say about you or if your boyfriend decides to be nice or mean to you (although as someone who dated the wrong guys for longer than she should have I will advise you to trust you gut here). The one thing you can control is your decision to heal. Put a sober head on your pillow tonight then make that tomorrow’s goal as well.
I have battled depression for as long as I can remember and while my demons still surface from time to time they are much less terrifying when looked at through sober eyes. I’m rooting for you.
I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to focus on your boyfriend again. I really do see this as a point of urgency. This is getting worse by the minute, I really don’t think you should be with him.
“…but he would always apologize and make me feel bad for him and tell me how much he loves me.”
This is abusive. Please Google gaslighting if you’ve never heard of it. He tells you he loves you to keep you in his control, then he makes you feel bad as though you should be grateful to be in a relationship with him at all.
I’m not talking out of my ass, I had this for twelve years with an ex. The same routine every time. I have alarm bells ringing in my head for you. I was afraid to end it with my ex, because that’s the way he moulded me. From a once confident and happy teenager to a train-wreck of a thirty-something year old. They break you down to build you the way they want you. In their control, and afraid to leave.
I heard everything else you said about your ex colleague, but I do feel like you have bigger fish to fry with your boyfriend. He’s knocking your confidence and self esteem, which massively exasperates anxiety.
I want to give you some love and a big hug
Please have a big think about this relationship. I know breaking up seems scary, but you need to repair your self esteem to be able to tackle anything else in life. Someone who is supposed to love you is actively against you. He knows you suffer from anxiety, and he’s letting you suffer by shutting you down. Please see this x
Well, first of all, congratulations on stepping up and doing something about sobriety and coming on here. You should commend yourself for that. That is the brave thing to do. First things first, if you use, you are just going backwards and have to go through more, horrible, horrible things again. It’s only one way to go, and that’s forward, and sober. Every single person on here has things in their life they regret from using. I’m really sorry to hear about that person that was talking about you at work. That’s lousy. But as someone said, we can’t control other peoples actions. And really, 10,000 words about it won’t really change anything. What will change things is our actions going forward. Let them talk! But as you start to get more and more sober time under your belt, things will start looking up for you and the people that care about you will be happy and proud of you, and if they don’t, you don’t need them in your life anyway. Best wishes!
Maybe addiction has destroyed your life as it was but maybe it needs picking apart to make way for a new fresh start in sobriety that is much healthier for you…sometimes what appears to be the worst time’s in our lives can be the times with the most opportunity…
Coming back to this post after my restful night, I just wanted to warn you again be careful going and confronting someone, especially if you suffer with crippling anxiety. It can be a good feeling “standing up for yourself” but then again, what if the outcome isn’t what you expected and now you’re left with more anxious and thoughts, and high tension with another person ? I personally am not a fighter, but when I’ve had my bad times with people especially under the influence I’ve lashed out and said some terrible things, even if they were in the wrong… which once I’d sober up and sit on the thoughts I would regret every ounce of my reactions to their petty behavior which would lead to more guilt and anxiety. My anxiety gets bad, to the point where it’s led to paranoid episodes and can trigger my PTSD.
As for the relationship, you and your boyfriend know what’s best for you two. I’d be careful taking other people’s experiences with their relationships , and if you’re in a serious abusive relationship (ex: Physical or Life & Death) then yeah get out of there asap !!! But no relationship is meant to be perfect and sometimes it’s learning how you both can deal with each other and work together on your worst days. Maybe things aren’t meant to be, and you’re seeing sides of him you feel are crossing boundaries, or maybe he’s just upset about something, as you are, and you both need to find the right time and place to talk about it, compromise, and solve the problem together.
Don’t act impulsive in moments like this especially with high anxiety , and coming down or being close to a relapse , etc.
Seriously I’ve almost ruined my life so many times when I would react off emotions instead of logical thinking and at the end id walk out with consequences and looking like the a*hole when Infact it was just me reacting to someone’s poor behaviour . Not saying people can’t treat you poorly, it’s gonna happen , it’s just apart of life.
But seriously be careful out there, and focus on your well being and getting in and out of recovery safely and in a good mindset.
I hope you have a good day today, and drink lots of water, and are feeling less anxious.
It is so difficult to envision a life without him right now. He is in active addiction, so I view him as just another sick and suffering person. We aren’t good people when we are using. We are completely codependent. It is a very toxic relationship BUT I keep holding on to this idea of how if I can stay clean, he’ll catch up someday and we will have this great life together. I know in this moment I am not ready to leave, but my obsession with him is lessening more and more with each day…
I really appreciate this reply. I didn’t send the message. I am getting a lot better at processing my thoughts rather than just lashing out like you said. I will just let it be. I copied it and sent it to my sponsor instead, which helped. My IOP counselor asked me what I expected from sending it… He already knows the type of person he is and its unlikely I’d get an apology. If anything it could just backfire on me.
My boyfriend and I both have a lot of shit on our plate and I don’t really respect his boundaries when he asks me for space. He was bummed out and told me he would talk to me later that he just wanted to be alone… But I texted over and over because my disease tells me I need to be needed or I’ll die, I need to control the situation and fix the situation… make him want to talk to me… my fears go to the worst place possible, so I try to force him to talk to me. None of that is fair on him either.
At the end of the day, I feel like we are all just people in pain kinda wandering around doing the best we have with what we’re given. I will continue to put my recovery first so hopefully someday my relationship can flourish.
I think you need counselling. You’re afraid to leave someone that is unkind, unloving, and he gaslights you. You’re talking about him like it’s the last good thing you have, he’s really not. If the last good thing in your life causes you pain and anxiety, something is very wrong in how you view the world I’m sorry to say. You do talk like someone that has been conditioned, and it’s heartbreaking to read
I’m thinking about you, and hope your anxiety is a little better today x
I have always found myself in unhealthy relationships… I felt so incomplete not having found the person for me. When I met him it was like I finally found happiness for once… I was truly happy. I felt loved, I felt safe… I found a connection I’ve never felt with anyone else before… I was confident… and I have been with VERY abusive men who knocked me down and hurt me physically and mentally. He was different… He was caring… He was hardworking… He was an amazing father to his kids… and then he fell back into his addiction… and I enabled him… and ended up following in his path. While using he is a monster… I am defending him because I know the man inside… It is just so hard to accept that right now, he will never be that person for me. That’s the insanity of the disease. You keep going back thinking things will be different every time. But unless work is done, you’ll always be in the same spot. I don’t want to leave him and him go even deeper into his addiction and die. I want to learn how to safely support him from a distance while putting my recovery first. He ends up respecting me more when I don’t react to his bullshit. I don’t know its tough. From the outside in I 100% hear you… If I had a daughter in my position I’d be telling her to kick ole boy to the curb and he’ll either get sober or die and its not her responsibility. But loving that person unconditionally and having trauma bonds… It is so hard to turn your back… But believe me I really appreciate you for caring. I’m just not ready to walk just yet.
And my anxiety is much better. I spoke on it at my IOP. I had an individual meeting with my counselor today, and I plan on going to my first (this time around in recovery) NA meeting tonight. I think if I dive all in and meet some like minded sober people and form a network it will help me not feel so lonely and attached to my boyfriend either.
Okay, well I’m glad you’re seeing a counselor and are going to an NA meeting. It will do you some good to be around people that understand you and what you’re going through.
I hope you don’t feel I’ve put you under any pressure. I just read some things that sent up some flares. My ex was not who I thought he was when I met him. Abusers have a tendency to show themselves off in their best light when you meet them first. It takes time for these people to show their true selves, and by the time some of the abuse begins, it’s too late. Just like a drug, you’re hooked on them because you’ve been broken down and re-moulded. Abusers make you feel that you’ll probably fall off the edge of the earth without them, you won’t cope. They have a tendency to drive you away from the herd in order to achieve this. My ex didn’t like my family or friends, because he knew they would try to get me to leave him. He wasn’t wrong. They tried and tried to get me to see what was going on. The truth is, I thought he had his faults, but they didn’t get him. They didn’t see a side of him that I saw sometimes. But abusers aren’t necessarily dicks 24/7. They can be okay some of the time, but they don’t like to lose control over you. That’s when their true ugliness surfaces.
Anyway. I won’t say anymore about it, I don’t want to overwhelm you. Just be safe, make lots of new sober friends, keep going to meetings and therapy. We are here for you too
I’m just reading you post. I’m so glad that you are feeling better. I’m not sure how long you’ve been sober but I can tell you, I’ve been sober 45 days and my anxiety had gotten better the longer I’m sober. You still may want to talk to your doctor though for times when you feel it’s necessary.
I’m glad coming here helped to relieve your anxiety. Next time you may want to also try breathing again. There is a breath and meditation called fox breathing. Are you breathing for a count of four, hold for a count of four, release the breath for account of four, and hold for account of four. You then repeat this process. The body is built to regulate its self through breath. I find this helpful as a survivor of trauma I found I don’t always allow myself to fully breathe, and my breath gets caught in my belly, which is another symptom of anxiety.
With regard to the boyfriend, I think what you’ve experienced is a trauma bond. You may wanna Google that as well as gaslighting. For your boyfriend to simply cut you off and not speak to you, because you cannot be present for his birthday as a form of emotional abuse. I too have been in both physically and emotionally abusive relationships for years. My last relationship lasted eight years he was controlling, abusive emotionally and psychologically. He would cut me off for extended periods of time for no reason it would trigger my anxiety and my abandonment issues. It is only been through therapy that I’ve learned he’s probably narcissistic with borderline personality disorder. The cycle of abuse and trauma continued over and over again until I cut him off. Only you can decide when and if you are ready to leave him.
and a big hug 
