Mother father! I got a few days under my belt. But I caved last night DAMMIT!! uggh okay chain analysis. I was super emotional about the fact they stuffed up my hospital appt plus they wouldnt give me a rescript for my pain meds which ran out. But I missed my GP appt on Monday cause of trialing new sleeping meds I totally slept through my alarm. So going without mybpain meds for a few days really messed me up I think. So…fml…but I’m back on day 1 again, I managed to get to a doctor that was willing to give me just a few days script of a lesser pain med (still useful though and better than nothing). So at risk of looking like a total flake (which i am) checking in at day one. Maybe I’ll make it this time.
To be fair I’ve been low on meetings cause of the pain in my hands. That probably contributed to being annoyed and probably withdrawing a little and feeling like trash. I should have been stronger. I wasnt.
And p.s i wasnt tryna make excuses. I should have stuck it out. Pushed through. Recognised what was happening and not giving my addict brain any power over my choices. But I did. So I gta come up with a plan for what to do if this happens again to avoid it. Here we go again in suppose…ai yai yai
15 hours in. I’m feeling strong. But also a little scared. I did some cleaning and washing which is awesome. I’m just gna try keep chipping away at everything and hopefully
Make 24 hours. Focus on the next 24 then.
Did you get the relapse substance from the same source as last week?
If so what does that suggest?
No need to answer… But think those questions through dear.
And again I’d like to suggest you seek help with an addiction clinic. We cannot quit by ourself. Our brain is trained to fail.
Thanks heaps for your support. The answer is no I didnt. That was the whole point. Someone said to me theres a place near me. So I checked it out and it all went down. I think what I need to do is create distance between me and the person who suggested it. That’s the weak link. I’m realizing o need to create distance from some people which is gna take alot of hard work. But I want to do it. I cant promise I’m not gna relapse. But just for today I’m focussing kn staying clean. Just for today. And tomorrow I’ll try do the same. I cant afford to lose focus for even a second. I did inquire about a program which I’m seeing a lady for next week. So praying that goes through.
I went to a meeting. Admitted I’m day one again. And I am not gna lie I am craving so bad!!! Like seriously badly. I’m scared of cross addicting but at this point I think distraction is my only option for a few days. Then deal with that issue later. I dna. I’m struggling. I dna what to do.
Hey Stacey, sorry to hear you are still suffering so badly. I’ve been following your journey ever since I joined this site two months ago. It seems like you are just fighting so many battles all at the same time. I can’t imagine how hard it must be.
I’m just wondering if checking into a longer term inpatient rehab could be a possibility for you, like @ThajokerNL mentioned as well . I feel like you could really benefit from the around the clock support as well as medical assistance that the right facility could provide you with.
I see you fight for your sobriety and just think that if you could get some solid sober time as well assistance with your medical problems, such as three months inpatient could provide, that you would be in so much more of a stable place to continue the fight for sobriety on your own.
Not to mention how beneficial it would be to get you out of your environment and provide some space away from the people that are enabling your desire to relapse.
Just my thoughts, I know rehab isn’t possible for everyone, but I think it could be just the help you need.
Wishing you strength and good fortune. Keep fighting Stacey.
I have been considering this too but I feel like because I havent been struggling with what people consider “hard” drugs. Like I dont wanna take up a seat someone else needs. That’s why I inquired about the day program here in Hamilton. You kinda go there each day. But I have to be assessed to see if I’m “bad” or "desperate " enough. I dna. If that fails I’ll look into a longer term facility. It has been on my mind tbh.
Checking in on 24 hours. One full day. Made it. I am still craving real bad but it’s almost bed time. So I’m gna do that soon. Take my night meds soon. So when I wake up itll be a new day and nice and far into day 2. One moment at a time.
I shared in my meeting today, that its up to me to make better choices. No one will make those hard calls for me. I need to choose. And I WANT TO CHOOSE SOBRIETY DAMMIT!!! So here we go again. I dont care if I have to come back to day 1 a thousand times. I dont care. Moment by moment. I will eventually get this process right. I will eventually realise things I dont get now. This might even be the last time I have to be on day 1. Who knows. BUT I FRIGGIN GET TO CHOOSE!!! IM SICK of my stupid addict brain running things. This is MY LIFE. And I WANT TO LIVE SOBER. My addict brain WILL catch up. And I will fight for day 2 again. It’s tough. But so is losing everything because drugs mean the world. So stuff it. Sobriety here I come. For today anyway!
Have you ever felt internal vibrations like your insides literally like shaking. I hate this. I needa get through just for today. I managed to distract myself long enough to get to bed time. Its 1am. I’m tired and praying for another sober day.
I’m sending you strength girl; I pray you find the strength to kick it’s ass.
I don’t have any Pearl’s of wisdom, just wanted you to know there’s a bunch of people rooting for you.
Checking in at 1 day 14 hours 48 minutes! I managed to get to and through bedtime last night. #win. I didnt reach out to an associate I usually would but itsnt good for me. #win. I stayed 2 nights in a row by myself and didnt have a panic attack or self harm or anything like that. #win. I felt/feel craving like crazy atm but it comes and goes as expected. #win. I went to church this morning and got a beautiful message #win. I will likely be attending tonight’s meeting #potentialwin. And I feel as determined today as yesterday. I mean I feel scared still, raw still, unsteady and strange still, but its a beautiful thing to experience reality as it is rather than hazing over and through it. So I’m just feeling the feels and waiting for things to pass #win.
Just for today…I can be a #winning kinda addict.
Thanks for EVERYONE who is sticking by me. It means so much x
Painmeds are getting crazy addiction rate in the US… So maybe reconsider what’s a hard drug for you
It’s No.4 actually in ranking, 1.8 million addicted(US) . That’s double the amount of cocaine addicts
Your worth Every bit of care you need.
I just want you to be safe dear.
Day 3. Again. Sunday. Had plans but introverted me changed them. I need to focus on recovery. Reading a lot here again today. Reading /listening to AA tapes. Daily meditation from Calm app. Still here.
I will have a read hun! Thank you. I actually just got changed to a weaker but more long acting one. So hopefully that helps abit. But I definitely wanna have a read of this. I’ll let you know how I get on.
Hey, it probably doesnt mean much…but just know that really hurtful word “again”…try use it as a motivator and not an excuse to fall again. I’ve done that 100 times and it is humiliating more and more for me to come back everytime and say…I’m on day x…again. This time though. The addict says, “again…again will come again so you may aswell use” but I say, "you know what addict brain…SHUSH…u screw everything up so how about we have some silence in the cheap seats okay?..
Again sucks…but again is another battle. And if you’re in the battle you are winning because you’ve only failed when you’ve given up. And again means you havent.
Stay strong. Message me anytime. Fully rooting for you!!!
