RIGHT
Gratitude.
What a day.
I’m grateful I woke up this morning. I’m grateful I took Benson out for his whizzy and walking back to the house saw a beautiful cloud free sunrise coming up. And I’m grateful I just broke down and cried. I CANNOT go on like this anymore. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. Sad, depressed, anxious, angry, worried every time she pics up a drink.
I’m grateful I texted my Al-Anon friend Janet to see if Benson and Percy could meet up at the community center. They couldn’t today. I’m grateful Janet invited me to an AA speaker meeting close by tonight. I’m grateful she said many of the Al-Anoners go to it. I’m grateful I said I’ll try to make it.
I’m grateful I talked to my wife about our talk last night And I told her she was right. I worry too much and I’m too anxious about when she has a glass of wine. I’m grateful I told her about meeting Janet. The speakers meeting and getting a sponsor. FUCK I said. Wrote it. Getting a sponsor. I don’t want to get a sponsor. I’m grateful I got my reasons. But I’m grateful I know I just cannot go on feeling like this anymore. I’m grateful we talked about it. I’m grateful she’ll get over it.
I’m grateful she told me how her day started. She was happily looking forward to a brand new day. Hopefully being better. And not beating herself up about last night. Or the night before that. Or the night before etc……etc….etc….
I’m grateful I confessed to her last night that I’m happiest when she isn’t drinking. I’m so fucking happy when she is not drinking. I’m grateful I can find happiness when she is drinking. But when she isn’t drinking…… fuck me! I’m pretty happy I’m grateful I got a problem. I’m grateful I’m such a codependent creek. I’m grateful I told her it’s not her fault. It’s me.
For example: I’m grateful I recognize when I told her the meeting is at 5:30. And that she would have to cook dinner. Or we go out. Or blow off dinner. (Dinner has always been a together thing with us.) When she said she could cook. I said well I suppose I could make the dinner after I have lunch. WTF! She just said she’d make dinner. Why the fuck did I say that? Why didn’t I say “that would be great! And the STFU? But nooooo, codependent me still offered to squeeze in making dinner right after lunch. Anyway…. Grateful I caught myself. After I said it and I’m not making dinner.
I’m grateful I felt this wave of relief off and on about not feeling this way anymore. Sad, angry, depressed, worried, anxious, when she picks up. I’m grateful maybe I do need a sponsor. I’m grateful I don’t know. What I’m doing isn’t working anymore. I’m grateful to think about what’s my next step. I’m grateful divorce is not an option. I’m grateful we have a great life. I’m grateful we both have a lot to live for.
I’m grateful if I’m not the fucking problem then there’s no solution.
I’m grateful I went down a different road on my walk today and saw a huge roadrunner and stop to see a pretty cool woodpecker. Grateful I stopped for a photo op of my favorite flora a bright red Bougainvillea, up along a saguaro
Grateful to spill my guts here with y’all.
Grateful for a day away from someone else’s booze. For now anyway.
I’m grateful I’m gonna be good.
I’m grateful I’m gonna figure it out.
I’m grateful I might just have to ask for help.
”True forgiveness is when you can say, Thank you for that experience.”
Oprah