Off the top the only purpose I can really identify would be this. To stay long term sober from drugs and alcohol and overcome my difficulties in order to be someone who can pass on his knowledge and experience to people who were once where I was. To have a life, mind state and physique that is representative of discipline on a motivation. To maintain good health and self image through proper diet and exersize. And a long term one was to have a home and a familiy but it hurts to even think about that. Also to be able to be the man my family needs when the time comes, E.g in the even of a feat or whatever. And also to come to peace with myself as much as possible. I’m not sure how that is for purpose but it’s probably a lot more than I’ve had in the past.
9am here in NZ. It’s thirsday, I was due to make the 12 hour trip on Saturday morning. I was in a bad headspace last night and decided just to sleep in. I got up about 8am, and I’ve been packing my things. I didn’t go to work. I planned to work a lot more than I have but I feel like I’m burning myself out. Apart of me wants to leave now so I get the chance to go see my ex. I think it’s irrational and not really sure if it’s important, I mean it’s not really I’m just placing an importance on it in correlation with my mental and emotional stress. I would probably be better off yes packing my things but also getting some work done coz I’ll most likely need the money. The trip has almost been like a waste of time. I made a bit of money but really not that much and it threw me into depression with the break up (perhaps this was inevitable and sooner rather than later is better based on my behavioural track record. I’m going to have some breakfast and then consider going to work today, tomorrow and possibly the next day. It’s worth it every hour is another 25bucks to go to keeping me afloat… and it will make me feel better in terms of self esteem and security… this journey is going to be a challenge. I have three weeks in a school as apart of my study in October so I need to be in the best mindset for that I need to be so present otherwise I can’t give it my all and that’s not fair to me… lots of love, Duncan.
Oh and I might as well throw in some positives because they might not work instantaneously but it may get in there. I’m 2 years sober! Wahoo! That’s awesome never been sober that long. I’ve lost approximately 7kgs so far and are, pretty healthily! Absolutely stoaked about that… I have a plan to eat healthy down there, that’s good, I have a gym membership to go to, that’s good, I have a family to love with who really are genuine so I’m so lucky there, and their son brad he has Down syndrome and he’s really like a friend to me so I’m lucky. I have some people in aa and na to stay in touch with, I’m through probably the worst part of year one of my degree, that’s awesome, love that. I am capable, I will be successful, i am driven, motivated and disciplined. I am loving and kind and considerate and thoughtful. I am willing, open minded and honest. I am strong, I’m a fighter, I will overcome and keep moving. Straight, never straightened. Purpose over please. Love for self, I know myself and I can overcome the chatter in my mind, it’s not me, it’s not useful and I’m not a slave to it. I am powerful and ferocious, yet also softly spoken and thoughtful. I will be ok. I am ok. I will overcome. I am overcoming, I have overcome. I find away around any and all obsticals camly. I am. It alone. I am surrounded by people that do lift me up. I am apart of a good community. I do have leaders and mentors around. I am loved.
Sobriety as a purpose is amazing!! And congratulations on two years!!
Had a bit of a cold. Been taking it easy. Been going to the gym six days a week and most AA meetings. I’ve done my first week back at uni. It’s Sunday here.
So I go back to my place of study, I drove the 12 hours like a maniac here, having my ex on my mind. I went and saw her at work as soon as I got here. I took accountability, apologised, asked for another chance. She cried, we hugged and kissed. In all honesty it felt empty. She said she would think about it. She’s very beholden to her parents as a 33 year old woman and they’re dead against it, atleast her mother is, and she just basically said no.
I felt like I got closure because I did all I could. Now it’s more of a process of moving on as best I can. It’s been hard dealing with this, getting into a new semester of study, being away from home and all that… But I’m still breathing, still here, and even though behind the scenes in my head and my heart things are tough, I’m still showing up for what I have to and what I want to. I’ve actually been taking it a bit easier on myself which I think is a good thing. I’ve been eating well and the exersize is good…
I’ve been on dating sites again, this is so typical for me, and it’s not a great habit because it mostly just leads to me feeling like shit, although I did meet one girl and we have kinda become friends. She seemed really normal except her comprehension and speech was a little slow. After a bit of inquiry I found out she had Mosaic Down Syndrome which was very surprising as I didn’t know it was a thing. She looks very normal I guess she’s jus different and perhaps slightly cognitively slower that some other people. She’s still nice and we have some social things we can do together as friends like pool, coffees etc so that’s cool.
I approached a sponsor, he’s a bit of an old timer, got that don’t tolerate crap do it my vibe, but I’m willing to give it a go as I see this resentment from my ex on the surface of myself and think that this has to be healed for me to move on, so he’s starting me on the fourth step. He said something about writing 90 pages and I was hesitant at that. I think I’ll aim for 20-30 pages and I want to bang it out before too long as I don’t need any baggage to carry around and I really need to do this for me…
Other than that things are ok… I feel unmotivated to study but so far things are ok, I’ll just see how I go and adjust accordingly… I’m not sure what I’ll do today. I think I’ll just get up now and get myself presentable for the day… lots of love everyone.
I’ve been a bit quiet. I think the pain and hurt is there but it’s just a little I don’t know, things get a bit heavy after awhile, you just feel like you’re carrying around this meaningless garbage and as much as it just makes sense to dump it, it’s just there like an inescapable ball of sad following me everywhere… I’ll be ok though. I’ll get through it…
Thanks, Seb. Hope all is well with you. I’ve felt a bit sad not coming in here and talking, I guess I’ve tried to use other mechanisms to try and help myself, but really they don’t do much for my as a person, such as the constant searching for romantic partners. It’s pathetic really. Being sick didn’t help, and I have just been taking it a bit easier on myself. I’ve had a few sessions with a councillor and friends have said the same thing that I can be too hard on myself. My negitive self talk affirms that because I’ve never heard anyone say the type of mean spirited stuff I say to myself… I almost welcome other peoples criticism because it’s usually true and not even as bad as what I would say, weird right…
Anyway this process of coming here has been a huge help, and it really doesn’t take long. Half an hour a day of journaling and reaching out V.S staying silent, for me really it’s a no brainer.
How are things with you? Hope you’re having a nice day, whatever Timezone you’re in it not sure!
G’day mate, great to hear from you. I’m just across The Ditch in Melbourne so 2 hours behind you. Crisp Sunday morning and unfortunately due to current covid lockdown, no gym for me this morning. Can still do a slightly different program of activities at home though and my teen son has requested my help in making an egg and bacon pie which funnily enough the recipe we have for it is made by a kiwi fella. I’ve been doing really well with dealing with my sobriety recently and hope it continues on a steady path. Still have my off days mentally like everyone else but keep pushing through.
Always here for a chat mate, onwards up upwards 
Got up early, took out the trash and had a healthy breakfast. Went to the park. Finally curb stomped whatever virus I had for the last two weeks. Gonna give my son a haircut and prepare food and do some work planning for this week. Kick ass out there 
Day 18. And im on what is called the pink cloud apparently. Anyways. The night before last i had a vivid dream thst i was using and was stealing and other random things. Last night i had another using dream this time i controlled it in my dream and said NO. I woke up and immediately turned on music and danced!!!