Daily journaling thread

Life in Recovery
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Journaling can be a great way to unburden the soul. I’ve used it in the worst of places in my life and it’s lead to the best of results.

Finding the motivation to journal can be hard, but without taking that first steps the benefits are just out of reach.

Journaling can be a personal thing, something you keep dear to your heart. I trust this group enough to try begin journaling here. This is a call to anyone and everyone that may benefit from this process, please get stuck in and join this process with me.

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Woke up here in New Zealand at 7am on the dot, nice and early for me. Nice still calm day outside. I’m in Blenheim on my parents far for the uni holidays. I’ve got a job here pruning grapevines, something I’ve done before. I’m doing it for four weeks. I’ve hurt my arm in the process. I think I’ve torn a muscle or ligament quite badly in the top side of my wrist, it’s quite painful. In the past few months I stopped exersize game and eating well. It’s made me gain a lot of weight and lose most of the self esteem I developed in there. I want to turn this process around but it’s going to take time and I’m not going to rush into it too hard. I’m just starting with watching my food and trying to get a little more sleep. I’ve just gone through a break up yesterday and it’s a bit traumatic. Posting in the forums here was a bit of a lifesaver honestly without those people that reached out I don’t know how I would be feeling. I’m just going to take today easy and try do something positive for myself. Feeling a sense of love within me so hopefully I can direct that into me and those around me. Lots of love, Duncan.

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Good day today, had a few moments towards the end of the day with negitive feelings from a break up. Things rotating in my head. Can’t seem to stay in a positive mindset for more than a few hours but I suppose it can get better. Just chilling on the couch by the fire with my grandmother here tonight. Torn a muscle in my arm so just persevering with work.

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4.40pm here in NZ. Had a pretty good day. Woke up a bit late and helped my dad with his cattle… chilled at home till I went and did a few hours at work. Have been doing ok all day but as soon as I sit still and start scrolling in my phone the thoughts start compounding. I’m angry at time. I just want to get this behind me. I’m hopefully going to an aa meeting tonight. I think I might have a nap now before I do that. Having a nap is a low effort thing I can do that’s probably somewhat beneficial so I’ll see how I go.

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7am here. Mind started running so I figured I’d jump on here. As much as I can be a serial fuck up artist I’m consciously trying to make an effort to change areas of my life and I’m kinda surprised how successful I’ve been. I think if I follow the path I’m on now or atleast continue some of the strategies I’m doing, then I’ll be able to develop that into greater successes. Off to work now. Trying to be more honest in the things I do. Will try a quick prayer. Have a good day all.

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Tuesday here. Booked into the doctor today which is good because I’m notoriously bad at self care at times. I’ve been pretty emotionally screwed up lately so I feel like resorting to last resorts such as prescribed medications… I think I will try go ahead with that because I feel like I’ve gone insane. I think I’m expending disassociation at times in terms of paranoid delusions. Not often but yeah once was scary enough. Also my impulsive behaviour are just a b itch. Anyways other than that it’s a beautiful day here and I’m going to take my grandmother out this afternoon with me so that’s cool. Have a good day all x

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Second journal today. Was a bit of a hard day yet a good day. Took the day off work, washed my car and took my grandmother to town. That was nice. Stressing about my breakup all day. Feeling really upset and stuff. Hard to describe the emotions, hurt and regretful probably. I went to the doctor, got a spot I was worried about checked, just a dark freckle… Also spoke about my mental health and received some prescriptions for just that. I haven’t filled them yet but just having them there as a back up is a good thing. I’m waiting on some paperwork but I’ll fill them when that’s done, and then I can see where I’m at. I want to try grow my routine to be better first. I bought some supplements so hopefully they help somewhat, I have quite an arsenal now… I’m not looking forward to heading back to my place of study, but I’ve got four hard weeks of work to get through first anyway. Struggling but trying. Felt dangerously close to alcohol when I was in the supermarket today, so I’ll do a meeting tomorrow, there was none on tonight… I’ve been getting too involved on dating apps and it’s been F ing me off. I made a mental health post on here last night and it was great to see all the supportive comments. Probably should get an early night in and head to bed. Got to make these hours at work, it will help me greatly to make some good money to take back to uni. Much love and blessings to y’all. P.s will try a quick prayer, been lacking big time on that side of life x

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Farm life sounds interesting mate. You live in one of the most beautiful Countries in the world and I’m just a tad envious. Would love to fly across ‘The Ditch’ someday and experience it for myself.
Really interesting read. Thanks for sharing.

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It’s pretty easy to pick up work and travel around, doing a working holiday can be pretty affordable and I personally think it’s one of the better ways to really experience the place. Unless you have the money to splash then you could cruise a bit more lol that would be great too. My parents live on a farm above a dam with mountains around, it’s not the most picturesque place on earth but it sure is absolutely surreal. The world is full of beautiful places though, we really are blessed in that regard.

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This really hit the mark for me and pulled me out of a deep dark place here after midnight when I should be asleep.

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Got up today, went for a run followed by a cold shower. I’m taking my grandmother out for brunch then to the bus… might squeeze in a sauna, haven’t been for awhile so that would be great. Feeling pretty good so far. Messaged my ex and asked to drop my stuff off at my uni flat. I can’t get there for three more weeks so I just want it off my mind. Going on dating sites too much makes me upset and is a waste of time. Went to an aa meeting last night and plan to again tonight. Back to work tomorrow would be great to get a big day in. Much love all

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Hard to believe I started this 15 days ago, not that I’ve posted daily but never mind. When I have posted, it’s helped…

Saturday. Worked today, full day, mucked around a bit though. 10:15pm here. Just been to an AA area assembly. It was good and I heard some messages that cut deep to my situation. It’s like a full moon here, I dunno if it’s that or my hunger or a mix of things but boy am I a bit of a dark fuckin cloud… anyway… I’m angry, I’m lonely, I feel disconnected, furious deep down. Right fucked off. I don’t even care if this gets skipped to derailment void. If it does I’ll bloody come back and try again. Anyway. I won’t dredge up the reasons why I feel like this, or will I. Fucked if I know. All I know is I’m doing a half arsed attempted at fixing my shit.

What I am doing- eating well. I have eaten pretty well in the past 15 days and it’s good, I’ve lost weight and I’m happy about that. I’ve gone for two runs, that’s the extent of my exersize. I’ve had three or four short cold showers. I’ve mostly refrained from acting out on PMO, I’m in such a fd up headspace that like it could only make shit so much worse… um, that’s the positive I suppose. I’ve been attending meetings regularly though.

What I’ve been doing wrong- obsessively going on dating sites. Drinking waaay too much coffee, slacking on personal hygiene e.g cleaning my room making my bed, slacking on exersize although idk one thing at a time I guess… going a bit nutty. Not using this forum enough, not having a sponsor, not being a fucking man and owning shit and sorting it out as above… urgh.

What can I do- fucked if I know really. Post on here more. Keep doing the right things that I’m doing and probably increase the consistency and regularity of that whilst decreasing the bad shit. I can’t even be fucked formalising it more that that right now. WhT can I do tomorrow- meditate a bit because my heads going to get me killed. Get to the meeting, do something nice for family, clean my room, eat well, and maybe exersize, atleast a brisk walk… what can I do now, chill out and sleep probably is the smartest thing. :peace_symbol:

Oh and my attitude, just to make it transparent, tonight it’s basically been if you don’t fucking like me or your being nosey because you want to test your judgements about me then fuck the fuck off I don’t need you anyway.

:v:

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1 day at a time champ.

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Put myself through a 13km run today after procrastinating all morning about getting up. The pain and having to focus on my breath pushed any negitive thoughts out pretty far. I’m still struggling. I’m two years clean from drugs in less than two days. I’m going to AA tonight. I’m a bit of a ball of emotions but I’m starting to see just how much I have to change to start feeling better, and it’s basically everything at this point.

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Man I can relate to you so much! Yeah I’m still working through a breakup with my ex and it still hurts like hell sometimes. My head is like a dark carnival or more like a haunted house I’d say, full of ghosts (memories of my ex and all the self hate I experience sometimes). Medication has helped ease the intrusive thoughts that trigger me into a deep depression. I just started exercising again yesterday. I am just starting to come out of a huge wave of depression and I can totally relate to the not taking care of the basics of self care. Posting on here has helped me so much to get through so many tough times. Keep it up bro it works. I’m here anytime you need to talk, I know how hard it is. Dating sites are stupid. I did the same thing and it’s not the way I’d want to meet someone at all. I’m focusing all of my energy on what I want my life to become and know that I’m not even close to being able to date someone right now. Keep your chin up we’re all here for you man. Stay strong :sunglasses::metal:t2: And congratulations on almost two years that’s AWESOME!!!

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Heartbreak hit me pretty hard just now at 10:45pm here in NZ. I’m pretty exhausted. I did a 10km run after work so that was good. I was just going through thought patterns and the heart ache came in and man it’s not that distinguishable from physical pain, in a way physical pain such as aches and bruises is nothing compared to it, as that pain is in one place and you can focus on it, where as heartbreak feels like this all consuming sea around you that you can’t escape.

Anyway. I listened to a lot of motivational speeches today at work. One reoccurring theme was finding a purpose. It said if you couldn’t find one then to start by helping someone. I realise I have a vision. My vision is to Graduate university. I can kinda visualise it. I can see myself in the graduation kit and getting a photo in front of the clock tower. That’s about as far as I can see. My purpose in that is to prove to myself I’m capable of such a thing and to use that as a springboard to continue to better myself, I’m not sure where or what’s potentially going to drive me after that… another vision is to run, and exersize and drop a lot of weight. I want to get physically fit and happy with my body as I’m not currently. I am slowly working on that. My immediate goal is to go to sleep and go to work tomorrow. I plan to work the next ten days in a row 8 hours a day to make the most of my holiday before I drive 12hra to uni on the 11th day… a bit full on. Keeping my schedule absolutely slam packed will help me in a lot of ways. I think writing a schedule for each week on a Sunday would be smart. Writing this has made me feel a bit better. I do feel like I lost a really good relationship, but there was a bit of fighting and she did just dip out on me when things got tough instead of working through it, and I didn’t have enough time to focus on bettering myself which really should come first, I mean selfishly if I don’t keep myself running above 40% atleast I’m no use to anyone anyway… and it takes me like 85% work to even get close to operating above 40%…

Annnyway. So work tomorrow, I want to start reading. I was thinking about getting David goggins book…

Much love all. I hit two years sober today. Feel a bit better now. One day at a time. Love y’all.

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Congratulations on your two years @DuncanNZ thats fantastic bro!!! I relate so much to what you’re sharing man. Super proud of you, I think you’re on the right path towards emotionally and mentally healing. Oh and hell yeah, David Goggins is bad ass!!! :sunglasses::metal:t2:

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Went for a run last night, and it was painful but I pushed through which is exactly what I want. I have resistance to push more through that pain, e.g on a cold winters morning here in NZ it’s more appealing to laze around in bed sleeping rather than to get out and face the cold. Had a death in the family this morning, someone who I wasn’t close with sadly. So I’ll have some responsibility available while my mums away to take care of my dad and brother with food and things as they both work very hard. They’re totally capable of doing that but it’s my opportunity to step up and be of service to them I suppose if that’s not a crass way to say it. Perhaps I mean I can show myself that I can be of use in crisis to my family, even though this isn’t a huge crisis it’s still a place for me to show imitative and leadership, love, caring, kindness, and other positive traits…

I’ve been drinking less coffee which I thing is great. Since being home, in about a month I’ve lost about 7kgs, but I’m starting to plateau, and I’m barely eating so I guess my only way to break that plateau is with intense cardio, mentally I’m limiting myself from that currently, when I run the pace is quite slow, so it’s far from intense cardio… that’s an area I need to face as I want to get lean, and it’s going to take a lot of work and time and consistency but I’m driven. I’ve gone from 92-85.5kg… I’m hoping to get down to about 70kg, making a goal weight loss of about 40lbs. I’m not a huge guy and I hide it well, but it’s just as self esteem thing, I want to be able to take my shirt off at the pool or whatever and feel comfortable and not ashamed… so yeah. Still planning to get a sponsor in a few weeks so that’s good. :v:

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Today was not a great day for me mentally and emotionally.

I started the day overtired. I managed to drag myself through six hours of work before I bailed.

My mind started racing about my ex, how much a a piece of shit I am, all that. Pain, sadness. The heartbreak is like a bubble of pain that follows me around that I can’t escape and I can’t feel it anywhere in particular, just everywhere. I hate myself. I’m not looking forward to going back to uni. I have to drive 12 hours to where she lives, and be a few miles away from her and be alone. I’m dreading it and I hate it. I can’t bring myself to work tomorrow.

I want to die.

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This commitment to a degree is a big task, but I’m capable of it. I’ve been alone before, I can do it again. This is a chance for me to make myself better. I can get through it and be stronger for it and I owe it to myself to do so.

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I just caught up on this thread and see that you were listening to motivational speeches a while back and identified graduating as your most immediate goal. You talked about finding your purpose, which, I think is a bit different from a goal like graduation. Graduating uni will be a major accomplishment, but looking at your journals, I think if you were able to actually identify your purpose, it would bolster your self-esteem and energize you.

I’m not sure how others find their purpose, but I had to find mine again over the last year. I did it through a deep examination of my values. I found a big list of values online (i was so estranged from mine that I couldn’t even name them). Then I put them into categories and tried to narrow down to my core values. Experts recommend you identify 3-4 core values to keep you focused. From there, it becomes easier to identify your purpose.

I get the sense that your course of study and what you’re planning to do after graduation might be closer to your purpose and studying and graduating are part of that path to activation.

https://soulsalt.com/list-of-values-and-beliefs/

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