I think we get the messages we need at the right time. You have awareness now and you’ve been able to practice it in others areas, which is a wonderful step! I feel like you’ll be there in no time. Progress not perfection my love 
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May 27~Daily Reflections
NO MAUDLIN GUILT
Day by day, we try to move a little toward God’s perfection. So we need not be consumed by maudlin guilt. . . .
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 15
When I first discovered that there is not a single “don’t” in the Twelve Steps of A.A., I was disturbed because this discovery swung open a giant portal. Only then was I able to realize what A.A. is for me:
A.A.is not a program of “don’ts,” but of “do’s.”
A.A. is not martial law; it is freedom.
A.A. is not tears over defects, but sweat over fixing them.
A.A. is not penitence; it is salvation.
A.A. is not “Woe to me” for my sins, past and present.
A.A. is “Praise God” for the progress I am making today.
From the book Daily Reflections.
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved.
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May 27~ Language of Letting Go
Recognizing Choices
We have choices, more choices than we let ourselves see.
We may feel trapped in our relationships, our jobs, our life. We may feel locked into behaviors—such as caretaking or controlling.
Feeling trapped is a symptom of codependency. When we hear ourselves say, “I have to take care of this person. . . .” “I have to say yes. . . .” “I have to try to control that person. . . .” “I have to behave this way, think this way, feel this way. . . .” we can know we are choosing not to see choices.
That sense of being trapped is an illusion. We are not controlled by circumstances, our past, the expectations of others, or our unhealthy expectations for ourselves. We can choose what feels right for us, without guilt. We have options.
Recovery is not about behaving perfectly or according to anyone else’s rules. More than anything else, recovery is about knowing we have choices and giving ourselves the freedom to choose.
Today, I will open my thinking and myself to the choices available to me. I will make choices that are good for me.
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May 28~Daily Reflections
EQUAL RIGHTS
At one time or another most A.A. groups go on rule-making benders. . . After a time fear and intolerance subside. [and we realize] We do not wish to deny anyone his chance to recover from alcoholism. We wish to be just as inclusive as we can, never exclusive.
“A.A. TRADITION: HOW IT DEVELOPED,” pp. 10, 11, 12
A.A. offered me complete freedom and accepted me into the Fellowship for myself. Membership did not depend upon conformity, financial success or education and I am so grateful for that. I often ask myself if I extend the same equality to others or if I deny them the freedom to be different. Today I try to replace my fear and intolerance with faith, patience, love and acceptance. I can bring these strengths to my A.A. group, my home and my office. I make an effort to bring my positive attitude everywhere that I go.
I have neither the right, nor the responsibility, to judge others. Depending on my attitude I can view newcomers to A.A., family members and friends as menaces or as teachers. When I think of some of my past judgments, it is clear how my self-righteousness caused me spiritual harm.
From the book Daily Reflections.
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved.
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May 28~Language of Letting Go
Letting Go of Self-Doubt
A married woman who had recently joined Al-Anon called me one afternoon. She worked part-time as a registered nurse, had assumed all the responsibilities for raising her two children, and did all the household chores, including repairs and finances. “I want to separate from my husband,” she sobbed. “I can’t stand him or his abuse any longer. But tell me, please tell me,” she said, “do you think I can take care of myself?”
—CODEPENDENT NO MORE
Not only is it okay to take care of ourselves, we can take good care of ourselves.
Many of us, so confident about our ability to take care of others, doubt our inherent strength to care for ourselves. We may have come to believe, from our past or present circumstances, that we need to take care of others and we need others to take care of us. This is the ultimate codependent belief.
No matter where this self-defeating belief was born, we can release it and replace it with a better one, a healthier one, a more accurate one.
We can take care of ourselves—whether we are in or out of a relationship. Everything we need will be provided. We will have loved ones, friends, and our Higher Power to help.
Knowing that we can take care of ourselves doesn’t mean we won’t have feelings of fear, discomfort, doubt, anger, and fragility at times. It means we practice “courageous vulnerability,” as Colette Dowling called it in Cinderella Complex. We may feel scared, but we do it anyway.
Today, God, help me know how I can take care of myself.
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May 28~Each Day A New Beginning
Spiritual power can be seen in a person’s reverence for life–hers and all others, including animals and
nature, with a recognition of a universal life force referred to by many as God. --Virginia Satir
Taking the time, daily, to recognize the spiritual force in everyone and everything that is all about us,
encourages us to feel humble, to feel awe. Reflecting on our interconnections, our need for one and all to
complete the universe, lessens whatever adversity we might feel as we struggle with our humanity.
Our spiritual power is enhanced with each blessing we give. And as our spiritual power is enhanced, life’s
trials are fewer. Our struggle to accept situations, conditions, and other people, or our struggle to control
them, lessens every day that we recognize and revere one another’s personhood, one another’s existence.
I can teach myself reverence, and I can begin today. I will look for “the Spirit” everywhere, and I will
begin to see it.
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May 29~Daily Reflections
TRUE TOLERANCE
The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 139
I first heard the short form of the Third Tradition in the Preamble. When I came to A.A. I could not accept myself, my alcoholism, or a Higher Power. If there had been any physical, mental, moral, or religious requirements for membership, I would be dead today. Bill W. said in his tape on the Traditions that the Third Tradition is a charter for individual freedom. The most impressive thing to me was the feeling of acceptance from members who were practicing the Third Tradition by tolerating and accepting me. I feel acceptance is love and love is God’s will for us.
From the book Daily Reflections.
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved.
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May 29~Language of Letting Go
Powerlessness and Unmanageability
Willpower is not the key to the way of life we are seeking. Surrender is.
“I have spent much of my life trying to make people be, do, or feel something they aren’t, don’t want to do, and choose not to feel. I have made them, and myself, crazy in that process,” said one recovering woman.
“I spent my childhood trying to make an alcoholic father who didn’t love himself be a normal person who loved me. I then married an alcoholic and spent a decade trying to make him stop drinking.
“I have spent years trying to make emotionally unavailable people be emotionally present for me.
“I have spent even more years trying to make family members, who are content feeling miserable, happy. What I’m saying is this: I’ve spent much of my life desperately and vainly trying to do the impossible and feeling like a failure when I couldn’t. It’s been like planting corn and trying to make the seeds grow peas. Won’t work!
“By surrendering to powerlessness, I gain the presence of mind to stop wasting my time and energy trying to change and control that which I cannot change and control. It gives me permission to stop trying to do the impossible and focus on what is possible: being who I am, loving myself, feeling what I feel, and doing what I want to do with my life.”
In recovery, we learn to stop fighting lions, simply because we cannot win. We also learn that the more we are focused on controlling and changing others, the more unmanageable our life becomes. The more we focus on living our own life, the more we have a life to live, and the more manageable our life will become.
Today, I will accept powerlessness where I have no power to change things, and I’ll allow my life to become manageable.
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These readings sure spoke to me! This is what my higher power asked me to write and share today. It’s in alignment with these readings:
Acceptance truly is the key to my serenity. The serenity prayer literally shows acceptance is the way: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Accepting when things fall under the category of stuff I can’t control isn’t always the easiest for me-my default mode is to want to fix things. I’ve come a long way in this, but it’s certainly progress, not perfection. Sometimes I want people, places, things or situations to be different…I can want things to be the way I think they should be instead of accepting what they are. When I can’t accept the things I have zero control over, I’m just creating misery and resentments within myself that keep me unwell instead of discovering that serenity, peace, and love. It builds a wall, not a bridge.
Each opportunity that rouses me gives me an opportunity to practice this. My initial reaction, where I’m irritable and discontent, actually shows me where I have more work to do. There’s freedom to be found within acceptance and the letting go of the things I can not change. That serenity prayer really does help me to find that when I need it.
Today is a good day for us to practice this together.
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Last night I had the serenity prayer on repeat. These messages are exactly what I needed. Doing anything less than this work makes me sick. I can’t control others or situations involving others. I don’t get to dictate how others should handle things. I get defensive, especially when it comes to my Gramma and I was upset about how my mom handled a very sensitive situation. But at the end of the day, I don’t get to decide how any of that goes. I just need to continue to be myself and let go of anything that keeps me sick-especially when I have no control over any of it. Acceptance, tolerance and powerlessness are all things I continue to surrender too today. In big ways and small ways, it matters for my wellness, my sobriety and my serenity.
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May 29~Walk In Day Places
Guarding against disguised hostility
Fairness.
One of the pitfalls in continued recovery is the tendency to become self-righteous and judgmental. Sometimes this fuses into a hostility directed toward newcomers or chronic “slippers”. Now and then, we’ve seen grumpy older members demanding that those who slip get honest.
While we may be right in concluding that a person is not showing honesty, we have NO RIGHT to denounce or expose anyone in a group setting. Far from helping the person, we may be showing off. If there is hostility in our words or manner, the other person will certainly sense it.
The best group setting for good recovery is always one that expresses warmth, acceptance, and understanding. There are few, if any, times when a verbal assault can be justified. Before we lash out at another person’s lack of honesty, we must take an honest look at our own motives and feelings.
I’ll face the day with a feeling of goodwill and acceptance in my dealings with every person I meet. If I attend a meeting, I’ll show the same warmth and acceptance toward every person there.
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May 30~Daily Reflections
OUR PRIMARY PURPOSE
The more A.A. sticks to its primary purpose, the greater will be its helpful influence everywhere.
A.A. COMES OF AGE, p. 109
It is with gratitude that I reflect on the early days of our Fellowship and those wise and loving “foresteppers” who proclaimed that we should not be diverted from our primary purpose, that of carrying the message to the alcoholic who still suffers.
I desire to impart respect to those who labor in the field of alcoholism, being ever mindful that A.A. endorses no causes other than its own. I must remember that A.A. has no monopoly on miracle making and I remain humbly grateful to a loving God who made A.A. possible.
From the book Daily Reflections.
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved.
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May 30~Language of Letting Go
Commitment
As we walk through life, there are many things and people we may lose, or lose out on, if we are unwilling to commit. We need to make a commitment for relationships to grow beyond the dating stage, to have the home or apartment we want, the job we want, or the car we desire.
We must commit, on deep levels, to careers—to goals—to family, friends, recovery. Trying something will not enable us to succeed. Committing ourselves will.
Yet, we need never commit before we are ready.
Sometimes, our fear of commitment is telling us something. We may not want to commit to a particular relationship, purchase, or career. Other times, it is a matter of our fears working their way out. Wait, then. Wait until the issue becomes clear.
Trust yourself. Ask your Higher Power to remove your fear of commitment. Ask God to remove your blocks to commitment. Ask God for guidance.
Ask yourself if you are willing to lose what you will not commit to. Then listen, quietly. And wait until a decision seems consistently right and comfortable.
We need to be able to commit, but we need never commit until we are ready.
Trust that you will commit when you want to.
God, guide me in making my commitments. Give me the courage to make those that are right for me, the wisdom to not commit to that which does not feel right, and the patience to wait until I know.
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Something I was reflecting on in reading this. Sometimes for myself, my fear of commitment keeps me stuck. Half measured avail us nothing.
Was I scared when I commited to buying my house? Absolutely. How about leaving it? Yup!! Was I fearful when I commited to my sobriety or even not eating things because my body can’t handle it? Yes. What about when I started my job or even when I climbed Mt. Katahdin? Yes!!
Sometimes I have to commit to honestly give something a chance and see where it goes. If I don’t give it a full shot, I won’t ever know how truly beautiful it can be. In the end if I discover something isn’t good for me, I have the ability to commit to myself and change to do what’s best for me. Remaining overly commited and loyal to things that are not good for us has been a part of my own experience so knowing when to close that chapter is important too.
Sometimes we simply don’t know until we try. I just ask for guidance on what the next right step is along my journey.
If the opportunity arises and passes me by because I don’t take it, I may never know how amazing something truly can be because I let my fears hold me back while waiting to be certain.
Sometimes I can’t be certain unless I commit to try.
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May 30~Walk in Dry Places
Walk in Dry Places
Civilians who show resentments
Healthy Thinking
As compulsive people, we’re urged to watch resentments carefully. These negative feelings can flare up out of nowhere and bring terrible destruction.
This sensitivity in spotting our own resentments also makes us more aware of resentments in othersperhaps people who are not alcoholics and thus are considered NORMAL. (Earth people I call them even if I doubt that anyone is really normal)
When this happens, we have no responsibility to point their resentment out to them. Our best approach is to deal with them as cordially as possible and to withdraw gracefully if their resentment is directed at us.
This teaches us that resentment is a universal human problem- not just an affliction of alcoholics and other compulsive people.
While guarding against resentment in myself today, I’ll not be surprised or hurt when it appears in others. If it does, I will not feel hurt or surprised, knowing that it’s a human problem.
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May 31~Daily Reflections
READINESS TO SERVE OTHERS
. . . our Society has concluded that it has but one high mission – to carry the A.A. message to those who don’t know there’s a way out.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 151
The “Light” to freedom shines bright on my fellow alcoholics as each one of us challenges the other to grow. The “Steps” to self-improvement have small beginnings, but each Step builds the “ladder” out of the pit of despair to new hope. Honesty becomes my “tool” to unfurl the “chains” which bound me. A sponsor, who is a caring listener, can help me to truly hear the message guiding me to freedom.
I ask God for the courage to live in such a way that the Fellowship may be a testimony to His favor. This mission frees me to share my gifts of wellness through a spirit of readiness to serve others.
From the book Daily Reflections.
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved.
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May 31~Language of Letting Go
What If?
I was talking to a friend one day about something I planned to do. Actually, I was worrying about how one particular person might react to what I intended to do.
“What if he doesn’t handle it very well?” I asked.
“Then,” my friend replied, “you’re going to have to handle it well.”
“What if’s” can make us crazy. They put control over our life in someone else’s hands. “What if’s” are a sign that we have reverted to thinking that people have to react in a particular way for us to continue on our course.
“What if’s” are also a clue that we may be wondering whether we can trust ourselves and our Higher Power to do what’s best for us. These are shreds of codependent ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, and they signal fear.
The reactions, feelings, likes or dislikes of others don’t have to control our behaviors, feelings, and direction. We don’t need to control how others react to our choices. We can trust ourselves, with help from a Higher Power, to handle any outcome—even the most uncomfortable. And, my friend, we can trust ourselves to handle it well.
Today, I will not worry about other people’s reactions, or events outside of my control. Instead, I will focus on my reactions. I will handle my life well today and trust that, tomorrow, I can do the same.
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May 31~As Bill Sees It
Start by Forgiving, p. 151
The moment we ponder a twisted or broken relationship with another person, our emotions go on the defensive. To escape looking at the wrongs we have done another, we resentfully focus on the wrong he has done us.
Triumphantly we seize upon his slightest misbehavior as the perfect excuse for minimizing or forgetting our own.
Right here we need to fetch ourselves up sharply. Let’s remember that alcoholics are not the only ones bedeviled by sick emotions. In many instances we are really dealing with fellow sufferers, people whose woes we have increased.
If we are about to ask forgiveness for ourselves, why shouldn’t we start out by forgiving them, one and
all?
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June 1~Daily Reflections
A CHANGED OUTLOOK
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 84
When I was drinking, my attitude was totally selfish, totally self-centered; my pleasure and my comfort came first. Now that I am sober, self-seeking has started to slip away. My whole attitude toward life and other people is changing. For me, the first “A” in our name stands for attitude. My attitude is changed by the second “A” in our name, which stands for action. By working the Steps, attending meetings, and carrying the message, I can be restored to sanity. Action is the magic word! With a positive, helpful attitude and regular A.A. action, I can stay sober and help others to achieve sobriety. My attitude now is that I am willing to go to any length to stay sober!
From the book Daily Reflections.
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved.
June 1~Language of Letting Go
Directness
We feel safe around direct, honest people. They speak their minds, and we know where we stand with them.
Indirect people, people who are afraid to say who they are, what they want, and what they’re feeling, cannot be trusted. They will somehow act out their truth even though they do not speak it. And it may catch everyone by surprise.
Directness saves time and energy. It removes us as victims. It dispenses with martyrdom and games. It helps us own our power. It creates respectful relationships.
It feels safe to be around direct, honest people. Be one.
Today, I will own my power to be direct. I do not have to be passive, nor do I need to be aggressive. I will become comfortable with my own truth, so those around me can become comfortable with me.
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