Hi everyone. Thanks in advance for reading this. Trying to see if what I am about to share is normal or if others experience the same thing.
Back story: I begun looking at porn in 1996 when I was only 8 years old. Was a dihard fan in it as well as in masturbation until age 21. Praise God, started recovery at 22 and have been earnestly fighting this monster ever since. Got married at 24 and was in for a bunch of performance disappointments in the marriage bed due to porn. Albeit I have about a 98% reduction in acting out now, all Glory to Him, and have experienced some healing in my sexual performance. I have no problem getting an erection now, however cannot last more than about 30 seconds to a minute until I climax. This is better than ED, but I can’t help but think that seems a little quick. Would love to enjoy things longer and am just curious what other experience in this area once some healing occurs. Thanks in advance.
Firstly don’t try and compete with the porn stars bc that’s not real sex for 99% of people, secondly don’t make this the only thing you think about bc it may start to cause you anxiety pre sex and you won’t be able to perform at all, thirdly have plenty of foreplay and make sure your partner is satisfied before you are and lastly try not to take it all so seriously, it’s just sex which can be more about the affection than the final result, at my age I don’t know if I’m going to last 5 seconds or 5 hours but as long as you love each other there’s always a next time.
As Paul said don’t try to compete with pornstars they use numbing agents and Viagra to make it last forever,
I can imagine you feel some sort of shame in your performance and shortcomings especially if you finish before your partner.
Something I actually learned and you may want to talk to your dr about, I take SSRIs and they have been used as an off label approach for prolonging ejaculation, and trust me it’s very true. It delayed me greatly to the point where sex was just to please my partner.
Also you can research some natural techniques that can help you their is plenty of research and information out there, so use it.
I give you a lot of kudos to coming fwd with this, even though it’s a anonymous forum to be able to admit your struggles is amazing
Hi Chris, my name’s Matt and I am also in recovery from porn. Porn had a negative effect on me as well in my marriage though it was more emotional - in the sense that it was an escape I was using from emotional engagement; and in recovery, I’ve been developing emotional awareness and presence, which has produced much deeper and well-rounded intimacy.
My first bit of advice is that there are as many different ways to have sex as there are people. There is no “time” which is “normal” for men that would make you “broken” if you didn’t have it. Yes there’s a numerical average, but that’s not the point. What matters is: is your emotional intimacy, your connection with your partner, growing, and mutual, and emotionally awake? Are you engaged in connecting with your partner and showing that your partner matters to you? That is the core of intimacy: “into-me-see”. What do you see in your partner? What do you show of yourself to your partner?
My second bit of advice is to broaden your definition of sexual activity. Penetrative sex is only one, very small part of what human sexual activity can be. Experiment with some oral sexual activity - you giving it - and if your partner is comfortable, incorporate some toys. Get a book on sex - for example, A Celebration of Sex - and read it with your partner; explore it, have fun.
Also - sex doesn’t have to end when the man ejaculates. There can be a sway, a rhythm to sex; you can take the opportunity to return to giving your partner pleasure. Be comfortable, gentle, and unscripted - and explore the richness of what sex can be.
Thanks for sharing chris. I think you’re already well aware of my issues with erectile dysfunction and the link to my toxic shame. So I know what it’s like. Anyways, I’m glad you’re here.
I am truly blown away by the intentional support and community here of others that also struggle. Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom and for sharing your own personal experiences. The Lord has used you to literally extract me from the path of destruction I was in just a couple days ago before I first reached out. Thank you for all your time, heart and sharing. Immensely appreciated and treasured.
Have a good day my friend.