At a few days over 60 days I drank. Why is part of it, but not as important as what I learned. After all my years of sobriety (18 at one point) to my current habit of not drinking for months, then drinking for a few days. Or, as in this case…1. It wasn’t a total disaster, but I wrecked my streak. Dang it! It all boils down to the most simple thing…I don’t know how to process emotion. Briefly, my 86 year old mother had a stroke and is in a nursing home in FL. I haven’t seen her since Dec 19 because of COVID. On the spur of the moment SO and I decided to go visit. The nursing home has had many restrictions. Boss very understanding…made a reservation…made arrangements for pets…all good, right? Then…why did I drink on the way home…then a few days later (very small amount…why bother?) put myself in a bad place mentally…Mom never knew. SO may have, but we never discuss that elephant in the room (a topic for another day). But I felt like I put a negative spin on a great opportunity. I’d be at 70 days today instead of 3!
Help. Just…help…I’m fine now. Several days sober. Just like before. No cravings.
Is it a dumb question to ask…how do I deal with emotions. My aha moment reveals I never learned how. Or, giving myself a break…don’t process in a healthy way that keeps me away from alcohol on a constant basis…
Is there a book? There’s a book for everything, right?
I’m sorry about your mom. That’s a really tough situation. It sucks you caved to temptation. But at least your back and it seems you’re willing to start over. I wish I could give you more advice. Except, you know, check in here or find a meeting before you pick up. Maybe just express your feelings here next time. I reckon just getting it out there and sharing your feelings is part of dealing with it.
Glad you’re back.
May I suggest a study in stoicism? What I have learned in my years long study and practice is emotions must be governed by logic and reason. These are what keep every bout of anger from turning into murder. These are what keep every sadness from turning into suicide.
In looking back over my life, it is when I abandoned discipline, logic, and reason that my emotions ran free, and I always ended up in a bad place. Ironically, it was returning to stoicism that was the first step toward a better place.
Well designed recovery programs build skills for handling emotion. There are several options: a 12-step program, or Women for Sobriety, or many others; myself I did a recovery program by Patrick Carnes (recovery from sex addiction). Handling emotion is essential to sustained recovery.
Time and attendance and involvement in a program will help. So many addictions start with just running away from emotion because it’s scary. With time you can learn it as an adult. There’s a good selection here:
@Yoda-Stevie…wow…I was unaware of this philosophy. I know what the word “stoic” means…but didn’t realize there was much more to it. Thank you for sharing. Any suggestions on a place to start? Much out there…
Thanks @littlemisschatterbox. I’ve only been on here a few months and considered not fessing up. Then I thought of the negative emotions that would conjure up for me. Relearning coping mechanisms. Yes. Thinking back to my last three relapses, something happened to trigger them. Job insecurity during COVID, moving in with my SO, getting to visit Mom. A variety of different emotions associated with each. Until now…seriously NOW…I wasnt making the connection. In therapy I would lament “but there was no reason other than I felt like drinking”. Which I thought was ridiculous. But, of course there was something that triggered it. Emotion. Emotion that I apparently was unable to deal with.
@Matt…thanks for your thoughts. AA doesn’t resonate well for me. Was a member of Women for Sobriety for quite a few years. It was helpful at times. I am getting a lot from reading posts on this app. I do agree, that programs and support are beneficial. Again, thanks.
I will never lose hope. Addiction is a bitch…but doesn’t have to ruin everything. I’ve come a long way…just need that final nudge (that only I can provide) to put myself in the “never again” category. I know that probably sounds weird…but I know what I mean…lol!!
Matt… no, never heard of that. My therapist was treating me for trauma using Advanced Integrative Therapy (https://ait.institute/ait-info/). I will check out this link. When my therapist first suggested trauma therapy I was like “no, no…no abuse, rape, etc.” in my childhood, but came to realize even small m(er) events can cause trauma. With me it was childhood teasing. Interesting stuff!! I feel like the more I learn, the better I become.
“The more I learn” sounds like a good philosophy to me! I’m glad you have a therapist to walk through it with you. Keep working on it and dig deep to face what you need to face. It is not easy but it’s worth it, to get off the carousel. Take care & best of luck
There is a bunch…from the AA handbook, to self help books. When I got sober, I read everything. Not just books, but pyschology journals, sociology journals. I made it a point to google and read something new every day about alcoholism, emotional well being, and basic self help. For me, there isnt just 1 source. I destroyed myself drinking for decades, and 1 book or source wouldnt have helped me repair that.
For me, I took the approach that I wouldnt fix myself quickly. I do AA, and even with that…again, for me, I went into it as it was just 1 of many things I needed to do for myself.
@SoberSenze…I listened to several of these podcasts. Got busy listening to an audiobook on my commute, but your resurrecting this thread reminded me to listen again.
I hadn’t read my original post in a while either. I am now on day 57 and I will beat my previous record of “a few days over 60”. Going strong. This community has helped me immensely!!
