Dating pool stuggles

So been sober now going on 3 years. I want to start dating again now that i have life on track ( dont get me wrong i have everyday struggles) i am not sure where to even to start to look for sober people or do i lesstle for someone who drinks just not like use to??? Serious questions in my head. All help welcome.


I hear dating apps are all the rage these days. You could try one or two out and add in your profile that you are a “teetotaler”, to weed out the baddies. :wink:

What decade are you in life? That might make a difference, I mean someone in their 20’s might have a different strategy than someone in their 50’s.


Is there a right time?. Sober now almost 3 years and not something willing to give up. Worked to jsrd. But the dating pool sure gets smaller. Or does one settle for someone who drinks just not like i did. (Uncontrollably)… sripus thoughts in my head.

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Social dancing!!

I started Lindy Hop, you will meet looaaddss of people in an easy manner and you can just small talk or make deeper connections if you like!

There are lots of types of social dancing, have a look on your area.

Disclaimer: I thought I’d hate it!! But it’s amazing!


I have dated both sober and non-sober people and I have actually found that I prefer dating non-sober people. I went the on-line route as I don’t really hang out in bars or other places where I am likely to meet a partner and I generally had good luck there. I met my current girlfriend there and things are going really well. I was at a place in my life where I was fully comfortable with myself and fully capable of loving myself. I wasn’t dating because I was lonely ( I had done that before and it created codependent tendencies when I tried to date), but I was dating because I knew that I had things I could offer a partner and felt ready to be in a healthy relationship.


What app are you using, if you don’t mind me asking? I’m in hinged. It at least allows for drinking preferences.

I’ve used them all. I’m not sure if I even had my drinking preferences set though. Honestly I was not looking at a person’s drinking status when deciding to match someone. My current partner drinks but is very respectful of my sobriety.

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I used hinge, seemed to have success. The girl I Matched with was a non drinker, later I found out she was also a alcoholic in recovery.

Things didn’t really pan out cause of our differences we really didn’t have much at all in common. Nice girl tho

I also used badoo, which wasn’t a bad gig, Met someone there also not alot in common. And she was a closet alcoholic. Prefer not to date them type.

Tinder just seemed to be a “swipe hookup move on” type of thing so I passed on that.

I’m not sure if Facebook still has a dating site option. They did for a bit and don’t know if anyone tried it

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The right time or wrong time is up to you, I know there’s people who hold on to the no dating your first year of sobriety, but that’s a suggestion, I tell people you do things at your own pace, someone might be comfortable at 6 months, others might take 6 years.

If your trying online apps just list non drinker as an option if that’s a deal breaker for someone well, their loss.

Other things to try is community stuff. Like if you have a hobby or interest, ball room dancing martial arts things like that, something that doesn’t center itself around alcohol, you hit off with someone and maybe go for coffee


I’m trying to find some dating app that matches with me and what I’m looking for. Not easy so far. All the ones I know are for sex first and foremost. I’m gay, in my fifties, and never had a serious relationship in my life. All I ever looked for in online dating was sexual hookups. Trying to change that now. Not had much success yet. Gay dating apps are for sex. At least for 90% they are.


Not much difference in the heterosexual world as well. I would say 90% of people on dating apps are looking for hookups instead of a meaningful relationship kinda sad to be honest.

Some of the pay for membership sites people are much more sincere about, after all you paid 60 dollars for 6 months or whatever. Usually are out there for sincerity, but not everyone can justify the costs

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I don’t mind paying that sort of money. But so far I’ve only seen sites and apps and membership schemes designed for the profit of the owners. And not for successful dating.

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I just found out about a type of offline dating I might try here. It’s not speed dating. It’s a group of people of the same age grouped together in a bar (3 bars that night). Sounds interesting. Not a forced one to one situation. Although my introvert self and somehow social phobic might talk me out of going. :roll_eyes:


Disclaimer: My doc is pmo, not alcohol.

I met my bf through a dating app. I was sus about dating apps and surely there are dodgy ones. I was lucky tho.

I don’t think I could start a relationship with person who is watching porn on regular basis. It just goes against so many things I value and it’s pure toxin for a relationship. So I guess the drinking question comes back to what your values and boundaries are. Can you live with having alcohol in the house or your SO coming home wasted? Is it detrimental to YOUR sobriety?

I was 1,5 years sober when I made a profile in the dating app and about to end a 6-year therapy. I met my bf 2 weeks before my last session. Funny how things turn out …


I find the same thing. I’m late 30s and any of the gay dating apps I’ve used seemed to be hook ups only. Even when you select no nsa, it’s what is offered.

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If you feel ready, then try it but see if there is an option for non drinker. So many different types of dating sites now

I could see this is a very good idea, as long as your comfortable being in a social setting In a bar.

On the other hand, it also takes the awkwardness out of it, Yano the super anxious one on one situation where if you don’t have anything to talk about well you have something to commingle about, as well as the spotlight isn’t strictly about you.

One thing I liked about online dating, unless your a super rush type, for the most part. You really get to know someone first, before it moves to the first meetup. So you don’t have that weird anxiety of “So what does your favorite color smell like?” And then you move forward with a casual conversation and see what the physical vibe feels like

I get the social anxiety factor, just don’t let yourself talk yourself out of it. Worse case shit doesn’t work out, or you didn’t like the experience and you don’t do it again

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Kinda filling in the gaps regarding the woman I met who was a closet alcoholic,

When we met, we were talking and she asked why I didn’t drink, I was honest I said I’m an alcoholic and drug addict in recovery and prefer to stay that way, it didn’t scare her off, but she asked if I minded if she has a beer with dinner. Like if it would make me uncomfortable I said no, a person without a drinking problem should feel free to have “a beer” with dinner. First date, wasn’t so bad we chatted at a local cafe near my house, had a meal she had a drink. We started doing a trivia night at a local pub and I didn’t drink she had like one or two. Still nice chick. Not much chemistry but overall she was pretty cool to pal around with, then all of a sudden I started becoming her DD to her and her friends on Friday nights. Which started to become annoying dragging around a few drunk women from bar to bar club to club, mind you they were all a bit older Than me she was 42 at the time. I expect this behavior if I was trying to dip into the early 20s crowd, but not from women my age

Last round was at a bowling alley where she got so disgustingly drunk she could barely stand, and then wanted to drive home. Ehhh no. I got her home, took the metro to my house and that was the end of that.

And to be honest, kissing someone with alcohol on their breath was well quite disgusting a total turn off


Go for it!!
It’ll feel challenging and you’ll have to shut down a lot of excuses that will be trying to do you going … But just go!

If it’s bad just leave!

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