Man so…again I have relapsed I started saturday was going to make it a one day thing turned into a 3 day thing unfortunately. But at least it’s not taking months or better yet years to want to stop. I called my sponsor before I did use twisted a stupid reason up in my head to justify my using even though in the back of my mind I’m fully aware there is no excuse good enough for me to do so. In the end I wasn’t willing to just not pick up no matter what and I really hate it. This whole thing feels like my God man I’m literally the only guy I can think of that’s been in and out of my home group for about 3 years now.
I wasnt embarrassed before but now I’m kind of starting to feel that way. I’m sure in the end all the negatives I create are just my disease trying to take me out. I think about it it’s insane what I’m doing like the literature says but I still do it. I’ve even had old timers that I met when I first came in see me recently while I stacked up over 30 days, and tell me straight they didn’t think I was gonna make it. Ill be honest I’m starting to feel embarrassed coming back here and admitting my relapses but deep down I know the true disappointment is not coming back.
So here I am hello I’m Anthony an addict I’m starting to take my meds I got in rehab again to see if it helps me out I only have enough for a couple of weeks so I have to make an appointment with a psychiatrist to see what’s up. I’m thinking about starting to run at 4am daily before work. Mind you it’s 3am here now and I wake up at 5am lol. I told my sponsor about taking my meds again he thought it was a good idea because of how I flip like a lite switch when there’s nothing wrong and I’m loving life (yes this is possible even with very little) in my experience anyways.
My sponsor texted me Sunday morning because my sponsor family met up for breakfast like normally but this time they were going to talk about us going on a retreat with just us going to the mountains and doing a book study, maybe some step working, kinda thing. I was really excited for it but I was loaded. I told my sponsor why I wasn’t there he just said “Oh Anthony, thank you for being honest. We will talk later”. So I’m not excited to talk about it but I will be calling him tomorrow. So it’s day 1 for me again I’m disappointed but I’m not hating, belittling, or thinking less of myself because I know in the end I’m worth this recovery. I don’t think I’ll ever stop trying so it’s gotta stick sometime as long as I stay alive.
So yes just sharing my thoughts and experience and hope it can encourage anyone else having a tough time getting clean/sober whatever you prefer to say to keep trying. Shit I gotta problem narcotics, alcohol, hallucinogenics,food, sex, relationships, past self mutilation, and more will probably be revealed lol damnit. Everyone stay blessed in recovery
I feel this for sure, my dude. It sucks to have an addict brain that sets up these traps, and it sucks to have to remain vigilant all the time. I’m glad you reached out to your sponsor and that you have plans and ideas of what to try this time to stay sober. Tell those guys that don’t believe in you to eat a bag of dicks, and then prove them wrong.
Yes to that. Don’t try too many times. Find a way to make it stick man. I’d say start with becoming clean and sober from substances. Some real clean time will give you the headspace to work on the rest too.
Let’s do this Anthony. Together. Relapsing is going it alone. Stop doing shit all alone.
Sorry about you’re loss man. Yea alot of people are dying right now. You’re right though good point… honestly I seen the fuckin dabbing unicorn typing I was like uh oh lmao I know you have a good point coming my way. Unfortunately it was more than I expected but can’t get any more more real than that. Thanks for sharing that appreciate it I’m tryna change everything
Yes I’m starting to take my meds again, and had my first run this morning before work that I’m going to be doin everyday now. Also work on my diet. Im tryin to change it up now I’m definitely open to suggestions
Addiction sucks. I’m sorry you’re struggling, but I’m proud of you for being so honest with yourself and those around you. If you want it bad enough, you can do this. It sounds like you have some great support. Please keep checking in.