I blew it again, I drank and drank till I didn’t feel a thing last night. Three bottles of wine, all by myself, until I snapped on my husband. He warned me and said he saw it coming but nothing stopped me, I didn’t hear or listen to any of it. I didn’t care except anything besides being drunk. Now today I feel like garbage, he wants a divorce and hates me. I don’t know what to do, and the feelings of self loathing just want me to run right back to the bottle. Numb out, lose the anxiety with wine. I feel so lost. He took my son and went to his mothers for the day, so on top of hating myself I’m sitting here alone with nothing to do but dwell. I feel like I’m just festering in shame. I hate this.
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I’m glad you found us, Meghan. I hope to see you around and watching your sobriety grow. That’s a shitty place to be rn, where you are feeling awful and regretful. Just know this could be the last time you ever have to feel like that~! It’s hard at the beginning, changing up your old habits and finding healthy things to fill your time with, but you. can. do. it! 
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Well I’m no good expert but we love you and are here in support. But now that the Deed is done you have an opportunity take what’s yours (you’re life) or throw it away. I can’t judge you I have voluntarily thrown mine away in hopes I’d lose my mind so I wouldn’t know what’s real anymore or best case scenario I die in a tent somewhere that’s best case at my time of being in a pity pot. I know I’ve lost everything apartment, new car, multiple gfs, and now I’m fighting to have my son one day who I have met once and he’s 1 years old ex is still in the streets pregnant again turning tricks for dope. I don’t judge her I pray for her and that’s why I don’t judge you and will pray for you fam. Find some local A.A. N.A. meetings keep an open mind, and be willing. Or try zooms 24hrs just Google it. I’m sorry for the heartache it’s easier said than done I know this all to well. Been drinking druggin since 13 I’m 31 now barley feeling a lil serenity. Stay with the pack. Get busy getting loaded or get busy taking you’re precious life back…I say this with sincere love 
I wish you all the best friend.
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Welcome to the community 
Your here, so you want to change for the better. This community is full of lots of us who are non judgemental and supportive. Its great you found us, can you get to a meeting today? Make today your day1.
Whilst you have the time to yourself today, this also will help you stay sober, and perhaps this would also show you want to change to your husband and mean getting his support and being able to talk about ways that he can support you make these changes.
You seem serious about wanting to quit and thats a good start.
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Glad you found us.
When DCS took our kids and placed them with my brother in foster care initially, the shame and guilt was overwhelming, the longing to be drunk and escape/to not give a flying fuck was so strong. Wife and I were fire and gas when we got drunk, that night was no exception and I was soon picked up by police and forced to go to a rehab/detox, got out soon after and first thought was that $5 will get me started on a good drunk again.
Started hitting meetings cause there wasn’t anything else to do. Went to court, got an outline of what they wanted for us to get the kids back, started going to IOP, therapy and continued going to meetings.
Took 7 months to get the kids back on a probationary period, built our lives again.
IT DOES GET BETTER WHEN YOU GET SOBER AND WORK ON YOUR LIFE, sorry for the caps but cannot stress that enough. Been sober 1597 days now, life isn’t perfect, I’m still flawed but I don’t need or want to drink about it and overall I’m a pretty happy person. Actions speak louder than words, do stuff for your sobriety.
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You know what your doing and the pain it causes , maybe try a meeting get your head in order people there have been were you are now desire and effort and im sure things will work out if you want them to wish you well
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