Was sober for 4 months just came off a 5 day bender. Sicker than a dog can’t keep anything down. My wife is pissed probably won’t talk to me for days. Somedays I feel helpless I am out of control and the heaviest i have ever been in my life.
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Welcome back. What were you doing to enhance your sobriety? What didnt work?
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The obvious thinking I could drink any alcohol period. Thinking I could just drink when the kids aren’t here. Thinking my flashbacks wouldn’t happen if I have a drink. What a damn shame I have become.
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Welcome back!!! 
I know the benders all too well. Was there something that triggered you?
It’s hard to say I have a good life a warm bed hot shower an amazing woman great kids and two cats. I am very blessed to be where I am at. I seem to dwell in chaos I miss the drive the adrenaline i had from being the pointman in my unit. Kicking ass taking names. I drown my troubles away and I take it out on the people who are closest to me
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The only shame would be if you let this hold you back; we aren’t defined by our mistakes, but how we proceed and learn from them.
I don’t know what experiences you’ve had that keep you up, and I hope you have professional help to address them - but poisoning yourself is never going to make it better.
You can do this; you have what it takes (4 months is awesome) - let’s reconfigure the plan and keep going
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Its been my experience that speaking to myself in this way only makes things harder for me. There are very good reasons we do the things we do, like picking up drugs and alcohol to avoid feelings. Shaming ourselves for not being able to use skills we are still learning is crazy.
I am a great observer and something that I have observed in my sponsees in the last few years is the relapse that happens before they pick up their DOC. It happens in their frame of mind, their defects are clearly on the surface, they are on their way back to spiritual bankrupcy. I will make a suggestion to you, instead of sitting in self pity and making this worse for yourself, try using this relapse as a pivitol point in your recovery story where you learn something huge. Look for that day, week, moment where you can see the relapse started to happen. The drugs and booze are our answers to a much deeper problem that we have. Try to see when the problem surfaced, what the problem was, you were probably stuffing it down for a while before you picked up. If you can pinpoint this, your self awareness will grow exponentially and you will be able to spot it before it happens next time.
Youre learning, be kind to yourself. We are all learning how to live clean everyday.
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I speak of myself that way because I know better. I deserve better my family deserves better. I have been a real selfish prick for far too long.
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Oh, dont I known it, thats the core of our disease, self centeredness. Hopefully one day you will understand what I am saying…
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I hear that and think most can relate but dont be to hard on yourself right now and going forward give yourself a bit of love and try workout what works for you ,this was the last piece for me i had to forgive myself for all the crap and drama then do it for myself. Good luck pal ADAAT 
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